ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS
Why was the cheese deformed?
Because it was inbred.
Jesus and Moses are golfing in a threesome.
Moses tees off first and uncorks a high sailing slice. The ball plops into the middle of a lake. Unperturbed, Moses walks to the edge of the lake, raises his club, and the waters part. Moses chips onto the green. Jesus tees off next. He blades a worm-burner that heads for the lake, skipping thrice and coming to rest on top of the water. Jesus walks out onto the water and chips onto the green. The third gentlemen hooks the everliving shit out of the ball. It goes into the road, gets hit by a car, ricochets across the fairway to the lake, is gobbled up by a frog, who is snatched by a stork. As the stork flies over the green, the frog spits out the ball, which rolls into the cup. Moses turns to Jesus and says: “I hate playing with your Dad.”
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side… This joke was a little forced.
What has six wheels and flies?
A garbage truck
The Police
Police:Where do you live? Percy: With my mum Police:Where does your mum live? Percy: With me Police: Where do you both live? Percy: Together Police: Where is your house? Percy: Next to my neighbor's Police: Where is your neighbor's house? Percy: If I told you, you wouldn't believe me Police: Tell me Percy: Next to my house
Got the best compliment from my doctor today
He said I had athlete's foot. I've only been training for 3 days so didn't think anyone would notice
“Anything these days,” I told my son.
He frowned a little. "What's that?" he asked. "Anything these days," I said. "Huh?" he asked. "Anything these days," I said. "I don't understand. Explain?" he asked. "Anything these days," I said. He sighed loudly. "Are you crazy, dad?" he asked. "Anything these days," I said. "Dad, snap out of it. What's going on?" he asked. "Anything these days," I said. "Dad! Dad! Come on. Tell me what you mean?" he asked. There was a pause. "Anything these days," I continued. At this point he was enraged and yelled, "Jesus Christ, I've had enough of this nonsense. What on Earth are you doing? Have you lost your mind? Jees. You're driving me insane!" There was a silence. "This is the world we live in," I concluded. "You can't say anything these days without offending someone."
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”
Cop: You are the lawyer. Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?
What do you call a hippies wife?
Mississippi
Why do Native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and it settles on their land.
Why did the Monkey fall out of the tree?
it was dead
It all started with a bat. Then toilet paper. Now we’re going nuts in quarantine.
We really have gone bat, shit, crazy.
Why haven’t aliens come to our solar system?
They checked our reviews. One star.
Physics is full of problems
And chemistry is full of solutions
A Retired Jewish Man Is Walking On The Beach, When He Sees A Bottle In The Sand.
He picks it up and rubs it, and a genie comes out. The genie promises to grant him one wish. The man pulls a crumpled map from his pocket and shows it to the genie. He says, "Peace in the Middle East, that's my wish." The genie studies the map, but looks looks concerned. He hands the map back and says, "I'm sorry, sir. I come from the Middle East myself, and these conflicts have been raging since even before my time. Bringing peace to that region is beyond my powers. Do you have another wish?" The guy thinks and says, "Well, I've been married for forty years, and in my whole life I've never received oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish." The genie pauses for another moment and then says, "Let me see that map again."
What do you call a fish stuck in a tree?
A fish stick! My 4 year olds first joke.
2 blind guys were about to fight
I shouted: I bet the one with the knife wins! Both started running away.
Ah yes, a completely binary affaire with no place for nuance or individualism.
https://ift.tt/2RmNRad
My teacher never farts in public.
Since, she is a private tutor, of course.
My roommate is 2 days younger than me
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was your age…” and then describing what I did 2 days ago
What do judges like to wear?
A law suit
Did my girlfriend find me sexually unsatisfying?
A small part of me says yes.
I wanted a tattoo of the number 3.14 on my arm…
But my wife said that was irrational.
I went to a seminar about unlocking my Chakras
It was really eye-opening
My wife and I share a sense of humour
We have to. She doesn't have one.
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.