Are you today’s date?
Because you are 10/10
A soldier ran up to a nun
A soldier ran up to a nun, Out of breath he asked: "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later." The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police officer ran up and asked: "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied: "He went that way." After the Military Police officers ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said: "I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to war to Iraq." The nun said: "I understand completely." The soldier added: "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied: "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls… I don't want to go to Iraq either!
Doctor: It appears that your DNA is backward.
Patient: And?
Went to the zoo yesterday with my family and saw a baguette in a cage
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity
My doctor told me I had Type-A blood…
sadly it was a Type-O
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates.
My new welcome mat is made of hemp
It’s a gateway rug
Husband doing crossword with his wife
Husband: Emphatic no, five letters. Wife: Never H: Pistol, 3 letters. W: Gun H: Disgust, 3 letters. W: Ugh H: Charity, 4 letters. W: Give H: Female sheep, 3 letters W: Ewe H: Pixar movie, 2 letters W: Up
Two male deer walk out of a gay bar…
One says to the other "I can't believe I just blew 20 bucks!"
I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants.
But you've probably never heard of herbivore.
I went swimming today and took a pee in the deep end
The lifeguard noticed and blew his whistle so loud, I almost fell in
What’s the most nerdy dinosaur?
A thesaurus.
I got kicked out of karaoke after singing “Danger Zone” nine times in a row.
Too many Loggins attempts.
Richard Pryor: I got famous for saying “motherfucker”. Sam Jackson: I also got famous for saying “motherfucker”.
Oedipus: You guys are all talk.
We all know the show was called Spongebob Squarepants
But the star was Patrick
I just watched a video of a drill.
It was a bit boring.
Husband was screwing his secretary up the ass when his wife walked in
Wife: (sobbing) You can't do this to me! Husband: I know that's why I am doing it with her!
My son asked, “Dad, what are condoms for?”
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.
Dont you hate it when people get ahead of themselves?
Edit:Wow thanks for the gold kind stranger!
Two dwarfs Grumpy and Happy went to Vatican and meet the pope.
Grumpy, seems a little worried and he keeps asking the pontiff questions about the church, and in particular, nuns. "Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?" "No, my son, all our nuns are at least five feet tall." "Are you sure? I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say, about my height? Maybe a little shorter?" "I'm afraid not. Why do you ask?" "No reason." Pause. "Positive? Nobody in a habit that's about three feet tall or two and a half feet tall?" "I'm sure." "Okay." Grumpy looks dejected at this news, and the pope wonders why. So he listens to the dwarfs as they leave the building. "What'd he say? What'd he say?" asks Happy. Grumpy says, "He said they don't have any." And the Happy starts shouting, "Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin!"….
Pun enters a room, kills 10 people.
Pun in, ten dead.
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
For Hispanic attacks.
The NFL has this obscure rule where players aren’t allowed to own pet ducks.
It’s considered to be a personal fowl.
Boss told me that as a security guard, it’s my job to watch the office
I’m on season 6 and I’m not really sure what this show has to do with security
Once I saw a kid getting bullied by 4 kids so I decided to step in
He didn’t stand a chance against all 5 of us
Why does a mathematician eat 9 times everyday?
So that he has 3 squared meals per day
What’s the difference between a kiss and anal sex?
A kiss will make your day, but anal will make your hole weak.
The director of Pulp Fiction…
Quarantino.
Please laugh
What's a thousand times better than Instagram? Instakilogram
Most people would prefer to have the time off between Christmas and New Year, but I have a better idea.
I'd like to have the time off between New Year and Christmas.
I wrote a novel about a man who grows younger every time he masturbates.
It's a coming of age story.
After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than him
“I don’t understand,” he complained to God. “I devoted my entire life to my congregation.” God explained to him, “Our policy here in heaven is to reward results. Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?” “Well,” the minister had to admit, “some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time.” “Exactly,” said God, “and when people rode in this man’s taxi, they not only stayed awake, they even prayed.”