Aren’t we so proud.
Those fuckers jam out.
Those fuckers jam out.
A Mexican magician said that he could disappear on the count of three. He started counting, “Uno, Dos…”
But then he disappeared without a Tres….
I named my horse Mayo,
and sometimes Mayo neighs.
What does a pregnant teenager and her baby have in common?
They're both thinking "Oh crap, mom is gonna kill me."
All the comic books I inherited from my brother have their last page ripped off.
I have to draw my own conclusions.
This German shepherd comes and takes a shit on my lawn every day.
Yesterday, he brought his dog along.
I was drinking at a bar so i took the bus home
Seemed like a good idea at the time but i've never driven a bus before…
What does a painter do when he gets cold?
He puts on another coat!
The amount of bad coronavirus jokes is starting to reach worrying numbers.
Some scientists claim it might become a pundemic.
I’ve been training for months to achieve the world record title of ‘Furthest Ejaculation’.
I can’t believe how far I’ve come.
Gotta make it buzzword friendly for the execs. We’re all worker pods anyways.
https://ift.tt/39tROA1
People in Germany were hoarding sausage and cheese due to the pandemic,
It was the wurst käse scenario.
What is Greta Thunbergs favourite country?
MadAtGasCar
I don’t always install solar panels for free…
But this ones on the house
I don’t like people who take drugs
For example : airport security
It’s incredible how many people confuse “to” and “too”.
It’s amazing two me.
Communist jokes can be funny
But only if everyone gets them
(NSFL) Dog
An animal lover, a zoophile, a sadist, a necrophile, a pyromaniac and a masochist are talking. Animal lover: We should get a dog! Zoophile: and fuck him Sadist: and torture him Pyromaniac: and set him one fire Necrophile: and fuck the corpse Masochist: woof
Its not anal bleaching
It's changing your ring tone
The word “diputseromneve” may look ridiculous,
but backwards it’s even more stupid
I used to have three children, until an accident happened.
I now have four.
I am giving up drinking alcohol for the month of January.
Edit: I am giving up. Drinking alcohol for the month of January.
What advice was given to a depressed car?
You have no more energy left to live, you just need try to fuel yourself.
What do you say when you see a bad post on this subreddit?
What the Fork is this Bullshirt?
So I lost my job at the bank on my very first day…
An old woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Scientists have grown human vocal cords in a petri dish.
The results speak for themselves.
How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a little boogie in it…
A Psychology professor starts off his lecture by telling his students.
"Today we'll learn about the three stages of human emotion: surprise, irritation, and rage." With that, he takes his phone out of his pocket, puts it on speaker, and dials a random number. "Hello, may I please speak to Dave?" says the professor when the other person answers. "No, I'm sorry, you have the wrong number" says the person on the other end. "You see that students, that's surprise. Now allow me to show you what irritation sounds like." He picks up the phone again, and dials the same number. When it answers, the professor asks. "Hi, can Dave come to the phone?" "I told you you have the wrong number" "That's irritation, my friends" says the professor. "Now, let's look at what rage looks like" He picks up the phone and dials the number again. When it answers he asks. "Is Dave available?" "LISTEN, YOU FUCKING DIPSHIT. IF YOU CALL THIS NUMBER AGAIN, I'LL COME OVER, BREAK THAT PHONE IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS. AND IF IT DOESN'T FIT, I'LL PUSH IT IN WITH MY COCK!!!!!!" "And that's rage." "Professor, you forgot the fourth stage," says a young man in the front rows. "And what might that be?" asks the professor. "It's called the stage of total confusion. Allow me to demonstrate" He comes up to the podium, takes the professor's phone and dials the same number. "Hello, this is Dave, has somebody called me today?"
A linguistics professor says during a lecture….
“In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.” But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”
I walked into the library and asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia.
She said: "They're right behind you."
To the person who stole my selfie stick…
…You need to take a long look at yourself.
How do they expect you to eat your burrito in 30min. Smh
How do they expect you to eat your burrito in 30min. Smh
Jews foreskin be like
[removed]
My wife asked me if I’ve ever peed in the shower.
Me: Yes, twice, accidentally. Wife: How do you accidentally pee in the shower? Me: Well, sometimes I pee while I’m pooping.
I got a job as a bullet
But I was immediately fired.