Argument between two golfers
I left my wife because she was so obsessed with counting..
I wonder what she's up to now 🤔
I’m outta here!!
A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you…don't bother coming after me" Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction. After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note. After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone. "She's finally gone…yeah I know, about time, I'm coming to see you, put on that …… French nightie. I love you…can't wait to see you…we'll do all the naughty things you like." He hung up, grabbed his keys and left. She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed, seething with rage and with tears in her eyes. She grabbed the note to see what he wrote. "I can see your feet. We're outta bread; be back in five minutes."
Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen.
A snail walks into a car dealership. The car salesman greets the snail politely and asks what he’s looking for. The snail says that he just wants a really fast car and the salesman shows him the ones with a high max speed…
He slaps the roof of one and says, "This is the last one that’s built for speed." The snail says, “This is perfect, but there’s one thing I want you to do first.” The car salesman was confused. “What?” The snail said, “I want you to paint a big red S on it.” The car salesman was even more confused. “Why?” Chuckling, the snail said, “So when people see me driving, they would say, ‘look at that S car go!’”
If God was a woman.
Not only am I going to hell, I'll never know why.
Many years ago, all the female Warlocks perished in the desert.
The individual male Warlocks, try as they might, could not master the art of bringing back their counterparts and all seemed lost. Then, two young Warlocks found that, by working together – one recreating the body while the other recreated the soul – they could bring them back to life from the very sand they died in. It's crazy but they could finish each other's Sand Witches.
A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter and the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”
What do you call a wandering caveman?
A meanderthal.
Did you hear the one about the giant throwing up?
It’s all over town.
Scientists got bored of watching the moon for 24 hours
So they called it a day.
This morning at breakfast, my dad looked at us very seriously and said, “It hurts me when I say this..”
..”But I have a sore throat.”
To the person who stole my glasses IM WARNING YOU!!
I have contacts
Did you hear about the guy who was shot with a starter pistol?
Police think it is race-related
What’s the difference between a rock guitarist and a jazz guitarist?
A rock guitarist plays 3 chords for 10,000 people A jazz guitarist plays 10,000 chords for 3 people
I hope Elon Musk never gets caught up in a major scandal
I just imagine Elon-Gate would be really drawn out….
Ah yes, forget the fact that the cost of college increased at least 260% since 1980
https://ift.tt/2PbrZNy
Yesterday I got mugged by six dwarves
Not happy
Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?
Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
I went to the doctor’s yesterday and told him that I kept thinking I was Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck. With a look of concern, he asked…
“How long have you been having these Disney spells?”
My therapist says I’m obsessed with vengeance
I’ll show him!
Do you know what’s the difference between toilet paper and the shower curtain?
No? SO IT WAS YOU!!!
I was going to make an alzhiemers joke
but I forgot it
Why don’t skeletons go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with…
The Holy Bible is proven to be 100% accurate.
When thrown at a close-range, especially.
What is a pirate’s average grade ?
Somewhere in the high c's.
I decided to get my son a flat piece of cardboard for his birthday.
He keeps asking for an ex box, so I’m sure he will be delighted.
Yesterday I had a nightmare that my tiktok account was deleted.
For a second, I was really scared that I had a tiktok account.
Is it just me or is 21 pilots 19 more than they need?
No text found
Why can pirates not finish the alphabet?
Because they’re always stuck at “C”.
What do Green Eggs and Ham and Fifty Shades of Grey have in common?
They both encourage people who can barely read to try new things.
Did you hear about the guy who killed a man with a book?
He was sentenced to death
A man is on trial for murdering his wife, although a body has not been found. [long]
His lawyer says there is not enough evidence. "The ex-wife is not even dead, I am going to prove it to you, she is going to walk through the door in about one minute." All eyes are focused on the door. A minute passes. Another minute passes. And another. The prosecution says: "she didn't walk in." "But the fact that you were all staring at the door expectantly proves that there is reasonable doubt." The jury discusses. The defendant is found guilty. "How can you send a man to prison on such flimsy evidence?" The lawyer says. One juror says: "In the three minutes that passed, I looked through the courtroom, and I saw that the defendant was the only person who didn't look at the door even once."
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in france?
There was nothing but de brie.
What do you call the Mandalorian’s partner?
Co-Mando. (Credit to my girlfriend)
