Just invented a thought controlled air-freshener.
It makes scents, if you think about it.
I said “Waiter, how long will my spaghetti be?”. He said …
“I don’t know we never measure it”
What did a pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye matey!
I am starting a charity to teach short people maths.
It’s called making the little things count.
Hey /r/CleanJokes, police related jokes just aren’t funny!!
So give it arrest…
My favourite sex position is called “WOW”…
… its where i flip your MOM over im sorry
What do you call a werewolf who doesn’t know they’re a werewolf?
A un-aware wolf
For protection against being called a boomer, you can now designate your generation via a user flair.
Stay safe out there.Addition sub changes:Ability to report common repostsAbility to report NSFW posts that need to be marked NSFW
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. Six months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby…
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh, no. Not my brother, he is an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise Woman: Not exactly my choice, but that isn't so bad. What did he name the boy? Doctor: Denephew.
My son asked me what procrastinate meant.
I said I'd tell him later
What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.
How do you tell the sex of an ant?
Put it in water If it sinks girl ant If it floats boyant
I have a huge hemmorhoid, I was wondering if I should go to the doctor but
I decided to sit on it for a while
A nun buys a donkey and enters it in a local horse race
Remarkably, the donkey is incredibly quick and manages to win. The local paper reads Local nun has winning ass. She enters it into a second race, and again it wins. The local paper reads Nun has best ass in town. The priest is annoyed by these headlines, but the prize money is seriously helping the church, so he tries to ignore it. After a regional win, the paper reads Nun shows entire county her ass. The priest decides this sort of publicity is too much, and insists she sell the donkey. She puts up a few ads. The next day, the headline is Nun offers her ass for £50. The priest insists she get rid of it quickly, so she makes it free to a loving home. Nun desperate for someone to own her ass. A bishop realises the problem, and so offers to take the donkey. Bishop loves nun's ass. The priest faints.
I was waiting at the airport baggage carousel, and noticed that everyone else had a better bag than me.
It was ….the worst case scenario.
I like this because no matter which way you think is the right way to say it you are right
https://ift.tt/2zujMPY
I had to break up with my midget girlfriend today.
She wouldn’t get her nose out of my business. I was nuts over her though
I saw a lizard with angry red skin. It then turned orange! Then it turned yellow. Then green. Then blue. Then indigo, until it finally became a relaxing shade of violet.
Calmer, calmer, calmer, calmer, calmer chameleon.
My girlfriend asked how do I view lesbian relationships…
Apparently 1080p wasn't the best answer.
Is “buttcheeks” one word?
Or should I spread them apart?
I heard a report about a bad outbreak of the tummy bug, apparently 9 out of 10 people there suffered from diarrhea.
I can’t stop thinking about that tenth person who apparently enjoyed it.
In a nutshell, an acorn is just an oak tree
No text found
What does a robot do at the end of a one-night stand?
He nuts and bolts!
My wife asked me to put tomato ketchup on the shopping list that I was writing out.
I can't read a fucking word now.
What do you call a sleeping Triceratops?
A snoozosaurus.
In Alabama, there is no Reverse Cowgirl
You don't turn your back on family
Singing in the shower is great until you get shampoo in your mouth
Then it's a soap opera
Customer: I have a question about the menu please.
Server: slaps customer THE MEN I PLEASE ARE NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!
If you think climate change is bad now wait until our aerosol hairspray usage goes up 5000%
https://ift.tt/2Qaa2Qp
I told my girlfriend she was drawing her eyebrows too high
She looked surprised
I saw my dwarf neighbor at a bus stop
"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said. "Fuck off" he shouted back. "What an ungrateful little cunt" I thought as I zipped my backpack and continued my walk.
Oh, look! A stained dress! Something Banana Republicans actually think is impeachable.
https://ift.tt/36Ho80K
A boy scout went around his neighborhood looking for a job…
A boy scout went around his neighborhood looking for a job… "I'll pay you $20 to paint my porch," said one neighbor. The scout agreed and went to work. A few hours later, the scout knocked on the neighbor's door and said, "I'm all finished, but your car is a Mercedes, not a Porsche."
Dad joked by my toddler….a proud day
Wife made asian food for dinner last night, Tofu/Rice/Veggies/Chicken Wontons. Toddler is killing the wontons and we teach him how to say "wonton" so he can ask for more correctly. As he's stuffing another piece into his mouth I ask him "hey bubba, do you like wontons?" To which my son replies, "No..like twotons" My son's first joke and it's a dad joke…i'm just so proud lol….
True house cleaners aren’t just born…
They're maid…
Her: “Undress me with your words.”
Him: "There's a spider in your bra."
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly’s girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
A Texan walks into an Irish bar…
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Irishman replies, "Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
What time of the year do most squirrels die?
No nut November
A Job Interview
A guy goes into the US postal service to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee." "OK, have you ever been in the military service?" "Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour." The interviewer says, "that will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says, "disabled in your country's service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 AM every day." The guy is puzzled and asks, "if the work hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00 PM , why don't you want me here until 10:00 AM ?" "This is a government job , " the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
Two clowns were eating a cannibal
One turns to the other and asks “did I start the joke wrong?”
Why do Uber drivers skip the gym ?
Because they don't even Lyft