arrest him
Why do flamingos stand with one leg up?
If both were up, they'd fall down.
I bought my son a refrigerator for his birthday.
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
In Alabama, there is no Reverse Cowgirl
You don't turn your back on family
My friend David had his ID stolen.
Now he's just Dave.
The first rule of Alzheimer’s Club is.
No text found
I went to the doctor and he said i was going deaf.
It's been 3 weeks and I have not heard from him since.
I finally got my dream job at the guillotine factory
I’ll beheading there shortly
My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.
But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.
A man’s lifelong dream was to meet the pope.
For years and years, he scrimped, scrounged, and saved up all his money for a lavish trip to Italy. Wanting to look his best for the pontiff, he had a custom-fitted suit tailored to his exact measurements and bought the finest Italian leather boots money could buy. The next morning he awoke before the dawn to make his way to Vatican City to meet the pope on his morning walk through his crowd of devout followers. He pushed his way to the front of the crowd, wanting to get as close to the Holy Father as possible. The grand doors opened and the pope emerged, greeting his followers, shaking hands, and offering blessings. The man caught the pope's eye, and the pope smiled and started walking towards him. This was it! He was finally going to get to share words with God's representative on Earth! Just as he was approaching the man, the pope noticed a downtrodden beggar lying in the ditch opposite the man. The pope changed course, made way for the beggar, bent down, and whispered something in the poor man's ear. The beggar nodded, got up, and walked off. The pope, now on the other side of the crowd, continued on away from the man. The man was devastated. He had missed his only chance to fulfill his ultimate dream. As the crowd dispersed, he noticed the beggar in the distance. A plan emerged in his mind. He made his way up to the beggar and said, "Sir, I would like to offer you a trade. I will give you my suit, my boots, and all of the cash in my wallet in exchange for your rags and tattered shoes. I believe this act of humility is my best chance to finally meet the pope." The poor man quickly agreed, of course, and the two men traded clothes. The next morning, the man made his way back to the Vatican and proceeded to lie down in the exact spot the beggar was the day before. The grand doors opened once again, and the pontiff emerged to meet his people. As the pope was walking through the crowd, the man saw that the pope was heading his way! His plan was going to work! Sure enough, the pope came over to him, knelt down and whispered, "I thought I told you to get the fuck out of here yesterday."
A lesbian mermaid is called an h2omosexual
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You should never buy Velcro
It’s a total ripoff
3 Cowboys NSFW
Three cowboys sat around a campfire, all exchanging tall tales about how tough they all were. The first cowboy says “I’m the toughest of the bunch. I was out in the tall grass, looking for a good spot to take a piss. All the sudden this snake appears. And you can see in its eyes, it’s out for blood. I look him in the eye and I know that it’s me or him. When he lunged, I grabbed him with my bare hands and strangled him to death. And you see these snakeskin boots? I took them as a trophy from my kill.” The second cowboy responds: “That’s nothing. One day I was riding around on my horse, than out of nowhere comes out a big, mean bear. The son of a bitch knocks me off my horse, and proceeds to kill my noble steed. I reach for my gun, but he charges and knocks it out of my hand. He’s got me pinned, snarling at me just waiting to kill, when I manage to break free, get my knife from my boot, and I stab him in the throat. And you see this bearskin cloak? I skinned him myself and keep this as a reminder.” The two cowboys look to the third, and one of them says “well what about you? You think you’re tougher than us?” The third cowboy says nothing, and just continues to sit there, stirring the fire with his dick.
Two men are discussing a business transaction.
Buyer: "How much does it cost to buy a singing ensemble?" Seller: "You mean a choir?" Buyer: *visibly frustrated* "Fine, how much does it cost to acquire a singing ensemble?"
I once threw a quarter into the San Andreas…
I have always wanted to be generous to a fault.
If you lock up your girlfriend and dog in the trunk of a car for an hour…
which one is gonna be happy to see you when you open it up?
Cheating Wives
A guy thought his wife was cheating on him. He waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her, he found out she was working in a whore house. The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $100?" The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?" The guy replies that all the cabbie has to do is go inside the whore house, grab his wife, put her in the back of the cab, and take them home. The cabbie goes in. A couple of minutes later, the whore house door gets kicked open, and the cabbie starts dragging out this woman who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab. The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here! Hold her!" The man looks down at the girl and yells to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE!" The cabbie replied, "I KNOW. IT'S MINE… I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!"
Why don’t blind people skydive?
It scares the shit out of their dogs.
Kina want to tell the pediatrician I speak Old English just to see what happens…
https://ift.tt/2LZRzU4
I’m reading a horror story in Braille
Something bad is gonna happen, I can feel it
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket
You can hide but you can't run
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
He conditioned it.
Today I quit drinking for good
now I only drink for evil
Most people are shocked when they find out
how bad an electrician I am.
Once i told a hammer joke
I nailed it.
What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock?
Look, no hands!
Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, “You are charged with beating your wife to death with a shovel.” A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, “You bastard!”
The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a shovel." Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You fucking bastard!!!" The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?" Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years I lived next door to that bastard and every time I asked to borrow a fucking shovel he said he didn't have one!"
My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex.
My girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.
What is the difference between a cult and a religion?
In a cult, there is a person that knows that all of it is bullshit but in a religion, that person is long dead.
The bigger your feet, the bigger your dick. The bigger your car, the smaller your dick.
No wonder we're all terrified of clowns
My dad texted this to me, I have experienced a tragic loss as my dad is now a boomer
https://ift.tt/2pC1ZBB
I was appalled when the waiter told me it’s ‘nacho cheese’
I said i paid for it, it IS my cheese.
Emojis, millennials, stick shift, and cursive? Check, check, check and check.
https://ift.tt/2wQ2VWA
I’m gonna quit my job on a submarine
I'm under a lot of pressure