Arriving early bad
The oyster shucker at Red Lobster is on sick leave…
He pulled a muscle.
My girlfriend and I decided to get married
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me—it was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else. One day her “little” sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word. She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.” I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight for the door I opened the door, and sprinted towards my vehicle. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.” Moral of the story? Always keep the condoms in the car
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye?
A Doyouthinkhesaurus Rex
What do you call a fake turd?
A shampoo
How do you know when a joke becomes a dad joke?
When it’s full groan.
A newly deceased Englishman, stands at the pearly gates
St. Peter tells him that he cannot go to heaven right away because he cheated on his income taxes. The only way he might get into heaven would be to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. The Englishman, decides that this is a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he goes with this woman, pretending to be happy. As he walks along, he sees his friend the Scotsman, up ahead – with an even uglier woman. When he asks what’s going on, the Scotsman replies “I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money.” They both shake their heads in understanding and figure that they might as well hang out together to help pass the time. Now the Englishman, and Scotsman, and their two ugly women are walking along, minding their own business when they see someone who looks like their old friend the Irishman up ahead. This man is with an absolutely gorgeous blonde supermodel. Stunned, the Englishman, and Scotsman approach the man and discover it is their friend the Irishman. They ask him how it is he’s with this unbelievable goddess, while they’re stuck with these god-awful women. The Irishman replies “I have no idea, but I’m definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life, and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can’t seem to understand. Everytime we finish having sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself “Fucking income tax”
I got a vasectomy so my wife wouldn’t get pregnant.
But apparently all it does is change the color of the baby
A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: “You must be single.”
The man answers: "Wow, how did you know?" Cashier: "Because you're ugly."
The Blonde joke to end all Blonde jokes
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman Police Officer, who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blondes driver's licence. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The Police woman said "It's square and has your picture on it" The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the Police woman. "Here it is" she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying "Okay, you're free to go, I didn't realize you were a cop"
![Based on a True Story. [tap to view full meme]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/d7jtfwqt69h41.jpg)
I walked into a store and noticed they were selling deer nuts for $1.25
Every other time I've seen them, they were under a buck.
¿Que? ¿Como? ¿Porque? ¿Donde?
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”
Now she just staring at the bushes confused wondering who said that.
How do Vikings send secret messages?
Norse Code
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind, it's tearable.
How can you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
The most notable difference is whether you see them later or in a while…
I just slipped on a banana skin.
I look ridiculous in it.
There’s an easy trick you can use to calculate your IQ
It's 150 minus the number of rolls of toilet paper you have at home.
A guy with bad gas goes to the doctor
He says “doc, you gotta help me. I can’t stop farting. It’s the weirdest thing, they don’t smell, and there’s no sound, but they won’t stop. I’ve farted 5 times while telling you this and see, you didn’t even notice” The doc writes him a prescription and says “take this and come back in a week. A week later the guy comes back and says “Doc, those pills didn’t stop the farts. All they did was make them smell terrible. I can hardly stand it” The doctor replied “Good. Now that your sinuses are cleared up let’s work on your hearing”
I ate a bunch of scrabble pieces earlier
So going to the bathroom could spell disaster
What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?…..
Same middle name.
My new girlfriend told me I’m terrible in bed
I told her it's unfair to make a judgment in less than a minute.
I’ve made a website for depressed tennis players…
The servers are currently down…
I was yelling really loud into my colander
And I think I strained my voice.
I just love how the earth rotates
It makes my day
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
My girlfriend just left me because I’m too insecure.
No, wait, she's back – she was just making lunch.
What did helium say to the balloon?
Lighten up
Doctor, Doctor! I’m terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says, “Don’t bother me!”
So I asked him how much it costs and whether or not it works.
