Because property is theft
So now I shower before every meal.
He said: “Suuuuureee YOU can!”
Not everyone gets it
It had a bison.
Pontius Pilates and CrossFit
…but backwards, it’s even more stupid…
The kids will never play Monopoly with us again.
If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
A can't opener.
Because they can't even.
A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man asks “do you mind if I say a word” “no, go right ahead” the woman replies. The man stands, clears his throat, says…
They both never get old.
Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow…
Because I got one stuck in my ass a couple years ago and me, my family and doctor still remember it vividly
I decided to sit on it for a while
but I’m slowly getting over it.
Throw him in the mainstream.
I take that as a compliment…
I said , “it’s a big decision, I need to sleep on it”.
But none of them work.
No text found
A man named Ranger was going out to a bar to have a few drinks. His roommates told him not to drive if he got too drunk. Ranger asked his roommates how he was supposed to get home. “Walk or text us Ranger.”
Once with her and 9 in the shower trying to wash it off
I’m going to put my glasses on…
Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.
They only do their jobs after they are fired
He got tanked
A gillie suit.
A man walks into a hardware store and speaks to the cashier. "Have you any two watt bulbs?" "For what?" "That'll do, I'll take two." "Two what?" "I thought you didn't have any?" "Any what?" "Yes please!"
"Gay is when a person is happy." his dad replied The boy thought for a long time before asking "Hey dad, are YOU gay?" His dad quickly responded again with "No son, I'm married to your mother."
And then it hit me!
There was a man who lived on a farm with his wife in the middle of nowhere. All they owned was a truck, a few cows, and an old bull. They didn't have much, but they were happy. One day, the farmer woke up and found that the bull had died. He went to his wife and said, "I take our money into the town and buy us a new bull. I know you need the truck here to keep the farm running, so when I get us a bull, I'll send you a telegraph so you know when to pick us up." His wife went and got the money and then said goodbye. The farmer arrived in town late that day and had to get a hotel room. The next morning he only had 401 dollars left. He went to the market and was able to buy a strong, young bull with the 400 dollars. It had been a long time since he had been to town, but as long as the telegraph prices hadn't gone up, he should be able to send a full sentence to his wife with his dollar. When he arrived at the post office, he said to the telegraph operator: "I need to send a message to my wife so she can pick up my bull and I. How much is a word?" "Prices went up a few years ago," replied the operator. "A word is 1 dollar." "Oh no," said the farmer "I can only send one word!" He thought for a little while and then said, "Ok, send my wife the word 'comfortable.'" "Comfortable? Are you sure?" asked the operator. "My wife has a 4th grade education," the farmer replied. "When she reads she has to sound each word out syllable by syllable. So when she sees the word comfortable, she'll read it as 'come-for-ta-bull.'"
It May, Fri 10 you
He just goes on forever