As a doctor, I never make jokes about an unvaccinated child.
But I’m planning to give it a shot.
Nothing’s better than being 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, or 97 years old
Those are the years you’re in your prime
there is love without sex, and there is sex without love.
and then there’s you, without both.
I entered 10 jokes in a pun contest hoping at least one would win.
No pun in ten did.
In the wake of the coronavirus outbreak…
I bet the people who invented hand sanitiser are rubbing their hands together.
Why did the sitcom about airplanes never take off?
it had a bad pilot
I have a friend who was born on October 10th. Every year for his birthday I get him a 3 foot long pole. He hates it.
It might be stupid, but 10/10 wood post again.
I invented a new word
Plagiarism
I once swallowed a dictionary…
It gave me thesaurus throat I’ve ever had…
I said to the judge, “60% of my parking tickets are bogus!”
He said, “Repeat infractions?” I said, “Okay, 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!”
FYI, If your boat turns upside down, you can wear it on your head.
– – – Because it's capsized
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Passenger taps his cab driver on the shoulder, The drivers shits himself, almost hits a bus and stops inches from a shop window
"Wow youre jumpy arent you, i just tapped you on the shoulder" said the passenger "Sorry" said the driver "its my first day on the job and ive been driving a hearse the past 20 years"
There was an explosion at a French cheese factory
De brie everywhere.
I recently broke up with my ex. She hated how bad at directions I am.
So one day, I just packed up my bags and right.
What’s the difference between a toothbrush and an alligator?
If you don’t know, you better be careful next time you brush your teeth.
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed."
Yesterday I went for a walk with a beautiful girl
When she noticed me, we went for a run
Three nurses working in a morgue discover a dead man with a hard on.
The first nurse says, "I can't let that go to waste", and rides him. The second nurse does the same. The third nurse hesitates and explains she is on her period, but decides to ride him anyways. All of a sudden the man sits up and and the nurses apologize explaining how that thought he was dead. The man replies: "I was, but after two jumpstarts and a blood transfusion I feel fucking great.
I slept with a girl who works at Netflix last night
It was pretty cool, she even recommended some girls I might like to sleep with next
What’s the difference between necrophilia and a choking fetish?
15 seconds, give or take.
Why is Antarctica sad?
Because its iceolated
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight Professor X: that’s not going to help us Me: yes I see that now
French Woman
The train was quite crowded and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed French woman, but when he got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat." The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone defend me! Put this American in his place!" An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.
The genie asked, “What’s your first wish?” Steve replied, “I wish I was rich!” The genie nodded and said, “What’s your second wish?”
Rich exclaimed, "I want lots of money!"
My friend keeps saying, “If I wasn’t making drinks, I would be in jail.”
Currently he’s behind bars .
Tried drawing my girl who passed away, will not try drawing again. Sure do miss her though
https://ift.tt/2BWHv9f
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.