As a man, I consider myself a friend and ally to the LGBTQ+ community
I, personally, have helped several women realize they were lesbians.
Lions, Humans, music, oh my!
At any moment, the urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away…
Where do bad rainbows go?
Prism.
F in the comment to pay respect for those who are now in heaven
F in the comment to pay respect for those who are now in heaven
Sorry, my 4y old brother wanted me to tell this joke here
Him: Knock, knock Me: Who's there? Him: Idiot Me: Idiot who? Him: IDIOT YOU!! He probably doesn't understand downvotes so I will have no Karma left after this EDIT: Wow! So many people upvoted this and I even got Silver! I'll tell my brother the Internet loved his joke! EDIT: Thanks for the Gold, kind stranger
Patches of land are the only thing I find upsetting
it takes a lot to offend me
“I heard you slept with my woman,” said this guy in the pub.
"You've got the wrong person," I replied. "So you didn't sleep with her?" "No, I did. I'm just saying you need a new girlfriend."
I was named after my dad
Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him
How many Game of Thrones seasons does it take to change a lightbulb?
Eight, if you want to screw it completely.
I taught my daughter what bargain meant.
She said: "Thanks dad, that means a great deal."
What do you call a dinosaurs penis ?
Megalodong
My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”
That is not a good sign.
What’s another name for Vampires?
Neck-romancer
If your here for pee jokes, urine luck
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One day, Albert Einstein was on his way to a science convention for a speech.
On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him: "I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!" The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place." "That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!" So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it. But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response. The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says : "Sir, your question is so easy that I'm going to let my driver explain it to you."
For real tho
For real tho
My wife said, “I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for a hundred dollars and the thick ones went for two hundred dollars.”
Chuckling, I asked, “How about the ones like mine?” She retorted, “Those, they gave away.” Not to be outdone, I said, “I had a dream too. I dreamed they were auctioning off pussies. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the tight little ones went for two thousand.” She quizzed, "And how much for the ones like mine?" To which I replied, “That's where they held the auction.”
A destitute man is walking the streets looking for a job.
Eventually, he comes to a whorehouse with a "Help Wanted" sign in the window. He walks in the whorehouse and asks the manager about the job offer in the window. The manager says, "well we need a bookkeeper at this here whorehouse, so, there are some things you'll need to be able to do." "Like what?" Says the man. "Well, can you read?" "No." "Can you write?" "No." "Can you at least add or subtract?" "Well no I can't do that either," the man says. "But I'm desperate for a job! I haven't a penny to my name and I'm starving!" "Well, alright here's a quarter to buy yourself something to eat," the manager gives him. The destitute man walks out of the whorehouse and by some chance, a man is walking by with a cartful of apples for sale for 25 cents. The man buys one and just as he's about to take a bite of it, another homeless man says "hey I'll give you 50 cents for that apple!" Thinking about it, the man agrees and gives him the apple. He then goes back to the applecart and buys two more apples for 25 cents a piece and sells them for 50 cents. This carries on for a while and years later he is the manager of the largest fruit shipping company in the US and he's worth millions of dollars. Eventually, a reporter finds out about this man's past and he decides to write a story about him in the paper. But, before he can write the story the man needs to sign an agreement for the paper to use his story. "Well I can't do that," says the man. "Well why not?" "I can't read or write how do you expect me to sign my name?" The reporter is baffled, "you're the owner of the largest shipping company in the US and you cant read or write? Think of where you'd be if you could!" "Well I'd probably be a bookkeeper in a whorehouse" First post, mobile, my boss told me this at work, etc.
Blue Collar Joke
A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough” more or less, had adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars “pay” she’d received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied: “I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.” “Oh my goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week, too?” The little girl replied, “I will if those lazy assholes from Lowe’s ever deliver the goddamn drywall.”
I saw 2 men in matching outfits I asked them if they were gay
They arrested me
National Dad Conference
Speaker: “I'm glad you could all make it” Whole crowd: in unison “Hi glad you could all make it, We're dad” Speaker: Puts up a pic of ID on big screen showing legal name is "glad you could all make it" entire conference loses their shit
I didn’t know what to wear to my premature ejaculation support group
So I just came in my pants.
My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.
But that's his story and he's sticking to it.
When is bedtime at Michael Jackson’s house?
When the big hand touches the little hand.
A young boy enters a barber shop…
…and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarters and leaves. ‘What did I tell you?’ said the barber. ‘That kid never learns!’ Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. ‘Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?’ The boy licked his cone and replied, ‘Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!’
What’s the opposite of isolate?
You so early
Say what you will about Vlad the Impaler…
…the guy knew how to make a point.
What did Sean Connery say when he saw a horse and buggy on the road?
Shomething sheemsh Amish
“Push harder” I shouted at my wife while she was in labor…
"Push harder" I shouted at my wife while she was in labor. "Screw you" she screamed back at me. Bit harsh I thought…… it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital!
Why are fish easy to weigh?
They have their own scales!
Sex therapists claim that the best way to arouse a man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears.
Personally I think it’s nuts.
I am your motherfu*ker.
I am your motherfu*ker.
I once told a joke…
… about Chinese people and the Corona Virus. An overly sensitive and overweight female co-worker said that just because I'm Asian, doesn't mean that the joke wasn't racist… I asked her, "So if i tell a race joke, does it mean I'm a racist?" She responded, "Yes, telling a joke based on a race makes you a racist!" I then asked, "What if i told a fat joke? Would that make me a fatist?" She thought for a while before replying… "Well, yes… that would make you a fatist…" I looked at her and replied, "No, you're the fattest!"
Why do the Hong Kong police get up early in the morning?
To beat the crowds.
“Hey honey, I’m pregnant.”
"Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad!" "No you're not."
Got laid off today, boss hadn’t removed me from all chats, so I left on my own terms.
https://ift.tt/2VuzQKk
I wasn’t going to get a brain transplant….
But then I changed my mind!
What did the copper say to the scientist who was going back home
Cu Tips of to my classmate for telling me this
I’ve made a website for depressed tennis players…
The servers are currently down…
A man goes into a brothel
He says to the madam, "Hi, I'm a traveling salesman, I've been on the road for eight weeks. I'll pay $100 for the worst blow-job in the house." She says, "The worst…? For $100 you can have the best blow-job in the house!" He says, "No, it's all right, I'm not horny, I'm homesick."
Hindus are so chill
i’ve never had beef with any of them