As a Pennsylvanian, this sounds good to me
What do you call a pregnant woman?
A bodybuilder
A man asks his wife, “What would you do if I won the lottery?” She replied, “I’d take half then leave you.”
"Sweet!", he replied. "I won $20. Here's $10. Now bugger off."
How To Convince Your Wife You Haven’t Been Drinking
A man is drinking at a bar. He gets so drunk that he pukes all over his shirt. He turns to the bartender and goes, "I'm in trouble now. If my wife discovers I've been drinking again, she'll kill me." The bartender says, "Don't worry, here's what you do. You take a ten dollar bill, and put it in your shirt pocket. Then you go to your wife and say some other guy got so drunk he puked on you, but he felt sorry about it and gave you ten dollars to have your shirt cleaned." So the drunken guy agrees to give it a try. He goes back to his wife and tells her that a drunk guy puked on his shirt then gave him ten dollars to have it cleaned. The wife looks and says, "He gave you twenty dollars." The guy replies, "Oh I forgot. He also shit in my pants."
They say you are what you eat.
Well, today I bought some ready to eat chicken, and sure enough, when I got home I was ready to eat chicken.
Cardi B has a sister who’s a fitness instructor…
Her name is Cardi O!
What you do get from a dwarf cow?
… condensed milk.
Harry Potter could be a great mafia boss
He always catches the snitch
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.
After that, we never played Monopoly again.
Why was the forest so noisy?
The tree’s bark.
NSFW
Oral sex in the morning? I call that a Head Start.
A man walks into a bar…
… and says to the bartender “I’ll take a whiskey coke please.” The bartender says “no worries I have just the thing.” And sets an apple on the counter. The man, baffled, asks “what the hell is this, I wanted a whiskey coke.” The bartender says “take a bite.” The man takes a bite of the apple “wow this tastes just like whiskey!” Bartender “Turn it around.” The man turns the apple around and takes another bite, he exclaims “wow this tastes just like coke! I’m gonna eat these all night!” A little while later a 2nd man walks up to the bar and asks for a gin and tonic. The bartender says “no worries I have just the thing.” And sets an apple on the counter. The 2nd man says “what is this? I don’t want an apple!” The bartender tells him to take a bite. He does and then exclaims “wow this tastes just like gin!” Bartender says “turn it around.” The man turns it around and is amazed that it tastes like tonic water. “Wow I’m going to eat these all night!” Finally, a while later a 3rd man walks into the bar visibly drunk. The bartender asks what he would like to drink. The 3rd man says “Man I don’t want a drink, all I really want is to eat some pussy.” The bartender says “Oh don’t worry I have just the thing.” And sets an apple on the counter. The 3rd man extremely confused says “what is this for?” The bartender says “Take a bite.” The 3rd man takes a big bite of the apple, makes a horrified face and yells “WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS! IT TASTES LIKE SHIT!!!” The bartender, along with the two men at the bar say in unison “Turn it around.”
I got a root vegetable stuck in my eat and when i went to the hospital they ignored me!
It's like they didn't carrot all.
What’s Usain Bolt’s favourite remote button?
Fast forward
My utility belt is empty…
Now it's just a waist of space.
Space heaters are the best house-warming gifts.
No text found
What’s the difference between a fish, guitar, and a pot of glue?
“You can tune a guitar but you can’t tune a fish” “What about the pot of glue” “I knew you’d get stuck on that”
Have you heard of that new band 1023MB?
They're good but they haven't got a gig yet.
The other day a friend of mine told me a really bad gravity joke.
I still fell for it though
I love driving my car, makes me feel like I’m charge of a big boat
especially when it's on cruise control
I thought this was funny
I thought this was funny
I went to the doctor and he said i was going deaf.
It's been 3 weeks and I have not heard from him since.
Why isn’t your nose 12 inches?
Because then it would be a foot
The game is the 32X port of Virtua fighter if your curious
The game is the 32X port of Virtua fighter if your curious
Where does a lumberjack buy his axes?
At the “Chopping Maul.”
For Halloween I’ve got a job making plastic Draculas
There's only two of us working here so I have to make every second count.
Have you ever tried eating a clock?
It’s really time-consuming, especially if you go for seconds.
I asked a friend what he thought of dry ice.
He said it was absolutely sublime.
Son: Hey dad why won’t this screw go in
Dad: Make sure you're screwing down into the wood Son: Oh crap, I screwed up
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye
Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.
