As a scarecrow they said I was outstanding in my field..
But hey, it's in my genes.
I hate when revolving doors move too fast
It's a pane in the ass
I asked my mum, “How much is a couple?”
"2 or 3" she replied. Probably explains why her marriage collapse
How do you spot a blind man in a nudest colony?
It's not hard
I asked my dad how can i satisfy a girl with a small dick.
He told me to give her a handjob.
NSFW Why are camels called the ship of the desert?
Because they’re full of Arab semen.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the oven until its Bill Withers. (A tribute to Bill – RIP)
“Un, deux, trois, quatre”, radioed the French ship…
…before it cinq. "Eins, zwei, drei", radioed the German ship vierlessly, but then silence. "Uno, dos", radioed the Spanish ship, and then disappeared without a tres. "One," radioed the British ship before it went two. "Won," radioed the American sub.
Nature is starting to have more graphics in video games.
Nature is starting to have more graphics in video games.
I don’t trust people who draw…
They always seem sketchy.
Bernie said he’s going to legalize marijuana on his first day in the Whitehouse
On his second day he'll legalize it everywhere else.
My second wife left me because I have “revenge issues”
We'll see about that…
A millennial buying a home
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Dad I’m cold
Dad: go to the corner it's 90°
Diarrhea is hereditary.
Because it runs in your jeans.
As a wheat farmer, I keep having these strange headaches…
My doctor said it's my grains…
A father passing by his son’s bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up.
Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands… "Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it! Don't worry, Dad. I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren. Love, your son, Joshua. P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!
![[Legit] found this gem on the bookface](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/09/i8kmpqdiv9o11-400x442.jpg)
I really want to work at a place that sells mirrors
It’s something I could always see myself doing
A drill sergeant ran his platoon of recruits all over the camp in the hot sun with heavy packs on.
As they stood there, exhausted, he put his face up to one of the recruit's face and said, "I'll bet you're wishing I would die so you could come and urinate on my grave, aren't you?" And the recruit says, "No, sir! When I get out of the army I'm never gonna stand in another line again!"
A guy could not find his wife at the mall. He approaches the hottest woman he could find.
"Excuse me miss, I can't find my wife. Can I to talk to you?" He asked her. She said "Sure, but how is that going to help finding your wife?" I said "Trust me, as soon as we start talking, she will appear out of nowhere".
Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son.
He said: ‘dad, can’t you just use a sponge?’
I’ve often heard that “icy” is the easiest word to spell.
Looking at it now, I see why.
A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”
Online college
Worst virus my college servers has every been exposed to. When you been an online college student and now all these other students are taking online classes and the college servers can not handle this coronavirus
My wife says that i dont give her enough privacy
At least that's what she said in her diary.
Is it just me or is 21 pilots 19 more than they need?
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It’s kind of silly we’re trying turning plants into burgers
Haven’t cows been doing that for like, forever?
My wife thinks I won’t advance in my career because I procrastinate too much.
I told her, “Just you wait.”
At the Olympics I saw an athletic guy carrying a long stick and asked him, “Are you a pole vaulter?”
He looked surprised and said, "Nein, I am a German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"
Never have sex with a wizard…
I did once and I got Hogwarts. Now they won't quidditching.
I just got hired at a company that makes bicycle wheels!!
I’m the spokesperson