“As has often been noted, physics is to math what sex is to masturbation”
Student : "So you're saying both fields are good, but without an attempt to understand the universe, the search for deeper mathematical truth is empty?"
Professor : "I'm saying you'll spend most of undergrad doing math."
Why should the number 288 never be mentioned in company?
Because it is two gross.
My partner is learning about male genitalia and vasectomies
I told her there's a vas deferens between male and female genitalia
Why can’t you see hippopotamus hiding in trees?
Because they're really good at it.
Trying to write some clean jokes about bowling balls
but they keep ending up in the gutter.
Why dont ants get sick?
Because they have anty bodies.
Did you know that if you rest one of your testicles on the top of an empty beer bottle, and hold a flame near the base of the bottle your testicle will be sucked into the bottle?
If you did know this, and know how to get the testicle out again, please message me. URGENTLY!
Two goldfish are sitting in a tank…
One goldfish looks at the other and says: "Hey man, how the hell do you drive this thing?"
Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude in a garden, while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground. Embarrassed, he took a few steps forward and bent over to pick up the bell. Then all the other bells started to ring.
Did you hear about the new vegan parallel lines?
They never meat.
I hate autocorrect…
It always makes me say things I didn’t Nintendo…
What is the first rule of stealing someones shoes.
Pick on someone your own size.
Which President is the least guilty?
Lincoln. He’s in a cent
A guy with a gun enters a bar, and asks “who the heck had sex with my wife ?!”
A guy in the back shouts "you don't have enough bullets"
I don’t mind maths.
But it is graphs where I draw the line.
4, 6 and 8 and 9 have all been murdered…
2, 3, 5, and 7 are the prime suspects.
I hate the stigma around mental health
Immediately when I got medication for schizophrenia, my friends won't talk to me anymore.
For the golfers with good taste in memes
For the golfers with good taste in memes
I went to blockbuster back in 1996 and asked the man if I could rent “Batman Forever”
He said: "No sir, Ill need it back tomorrow night"
I tried using “chicken” as a password but my PC said it must contain a capital
New password is “chickenkiev”
A son and daughter walk up to their father.
Son: Dad which one of us do you love more? Father: My love for you is like communism. Daughter: So equally? Father: No, it collapsed 30 years ago.
People who call sex hotlines literally only want one thing
And it’s discussing fucking.
What do you call children born in whorehouses?
Brothel sprouts.
I’ve been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.
He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him. "Quiero calcetines," said the man. "I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl. "No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man. "Well, these shirts are on sale this week," declared the salesgirl. "No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines," repeated the man. "I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack," offered the salesgirl. "No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines," insisted the man. "These sweaters are top quality," the salesgirl probed. "No, no quiero sueter. Quiero calcetines," said the man. "Our undershirts are over here," fumbled the salesgirl, beginning to lose patience. "No, no quiero camisetas. Quiero calcetines," the man repeated. As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed, "Eso sí que es!" "Why didn't you just spell it in the first place?!" yelled the salesgirl.
A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes…
"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."
In Germany, A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, “That’s not it” and put it down again.
This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."
Why is booze better than carrots?
Carrots may be good for your eyes but booze will double your vision.
Where does a lumberjack buy his axes?
At the “Chopping Maul.”
To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket..
You can hide, but you can't run.
You can tell I’m a dad based on my jokes.
I guess that makes me a groan man.
I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife
She was delighted. I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic. I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough. But I spend 50 bucks on a blowjob for myself and she goes fucking nuts! Women, I can't figure them out.
The president of the US is threatening to send the military to suppress US citizens.
Looks like Americans are finally gonna get a taste of democracy and freedom.
Does anyone know if we can start taking showers yet?
Or are we still just washing our hands?
A couple fingers, Vaseline, and the grace of God
Not an original joke but hilarious nonetheless. Presented for your enjoyment. This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."
My deaf girlfriend just told me “I think we need to talk.”
That’s not a good sign.
Masturbation is a touchy subject…
…whereas oral sex is a matter of taste.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Cashier: Scans Condoms
“Do you need a bag sir?” Me: Jesus, she’s not that ugly
I met a man named Jim Apple the other day.
He has trouble introducing himself in France.