As I expected, my therapist told me that I have a problem verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
Why don’t dinosaurs talk ?
Because they're dead
How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the light bulb really has to WANT to change 😏😏
My wife always prefers the stairs, whereas I always like to take the elevator…
I guess we are raised differently…
Her: I’m pregnant.
Me: Are you kidding?? Her: Technically, Yes.
Why are gay people always laughing
Because they can't keep a straight face
1,2,3,4 and 5 are sitting in class, why did 3 get kicked out?
He was being mean
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things: The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. The bouncer is a blonde girl. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?' The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'Nah I don't think it'll be funny if I'll have to explain it five times'.
I entered myself in a Most Beautiful Boner contest.
The competition was pretty stiff.
To all of you who have been disowned by fathers. In honor of pride month and on behalf of all dads of R/dadjokes I just wanna say, buffalo.
Because you can always be our bi-son, and even if you don't feel like shooting straight, we will always be trans-parent with you. You are loved.
Do you know why Superman is the king of all thieves?
It's because he is the man of steel. One of my students told me he made this up and I couldn't be more proud.
I once dated a girl with a lazy eye
Turned out she was seeing someone else on the side.
Let me summarize 2018 in four words for you:
Two thousand and eighteen.
I have the opposite of an amputee fetish.
I am lack toes intolerant.
My girlfriend told me, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you sweep or mop in my life.”
I said, “Floors are beneath me.”
I asked a train engineer how many times he’s derailed the train.
He looked at me and said "I honestly don't know… It's hard to keep track".
I can cut a piece of wood by just looking at it
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes
Why are so many Italians named Tony?
Because when they left the old country, immigration officers put a sticker on their lapel that read To NY.
People ask me where I store all my dad jokes.
In a dad-a-base
I saw a midget escaping prison and climbing over the wall
It was a little condescending
Children are like farts
You can only tolerate your own
My girlfriend and I are trying the whole “long distance relationship thing”
Also, the police say on top of having to stay 100 feet away, I need to stop referring to her as my "girlfriend"
There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator
Only a fraction of you will understand that
I have the heart of a lion.
And a lifetime ban from London Zoo.
A woman was sobbing on the side of the street because she had accidentally locked her keys in her car,
a passing soldier saw this and assured her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens……. "That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?" "Easy," replies the soldier. "These are my khakis."
Teacher: I’m your son’s teacher and I’m calling to tell you that he may be a compulsive liar.
Woman: And a damn good one. I don’t have any sons.
I asked my North Korean friend how it was there.
He said he couldn't complain.
[Long] Two men are walking across a field, when they come across a very large hole in the ground. So large that they can’t see the bottom of this hole. “I wonder how deep it is.”, the first man says. The second man pulls out a coin, and flips it into hole. They wait and listen….
….nothing. "Wow!", they both exclaim. "Let's try something else.", says one man to the other. They spot a large rock nearby, and with a struggle, they get the rock to the hole. They roll it in, wait and listen….still nothing. " My goodness! How deep this hole must be!", says one man. " Let's try that huge log over there.", says the other. Again, with a struggle, they haul this huge log to the hole, and roll it in. As they wait and listen, and seemingly out of nowhere, a goat runs up and jumps in the hole. As they both look at each other in shock, they hear a tractor coming across the field. Shortly, a farmer arrives, and asks, " Either of you boys seen my goat?". "Yeah!", they both exclaim. "One just came by and jumped in this hole!" The farmer sits back and tells them," No, no. Couldn't have been my goat. My goat was chained to a huge log."