As I expected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
He kisses his mother with that mouth.
…so she decides she needs to start punishing her children. The next morning, her three sons, Billy, Bobby, and Johnny come to the kitchen for breakfast. The mom asks Billy what he wants for breakfast. Billy says, "I don't know, just give me ceral or some shit." The mom smacks Billy and he goes flying across the kitchen. She turns to Bobby and asks him what he wants for breakfast. Bobby shouts, "Damn, mom! What the hell did you hit Billy for? Just give me cereal I guess." The mom hits Bobby even harder and Bobby flies into the next room over. Finally, she turns to Johnny and asks what he wants for breakfast. Johnny looks at the other two boys and hesitates for a while. Johnny says, "I don't know, but you can bet your sweet ass that it isn't cereal."
"Honesty" "I don't think honesty is a weakness." "I don't give a fuck what you think."
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
Not a laughing matter.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news & bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because, since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Mary replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
After the father leaves, he hears her saying her prayers. He hears her say, '' God bless mommy, daddy, and grandma, rest in peace grandpa. The father hears all of this and barges back into the room. He asks her, '' Why did you say the last part? '' The daughter replies, '' Because I needed to. '' The next day, grandpa dies. The father thinks, '' Is this just a coincidence? '' That night he tucks her daughter into bed. He leaves the room to only hear her prayers again. He hears, '' Bless mommy and daddy, rest in peace grandma. '' The father now is thinking, '' Holy shit, my daughter can see into the future? '' The next day, grandma dies. A week later nothing happens, but the night before Sunday, he is tucking his daughter into bed once more. He leaves and listens for any more prayers. Sure enough, there is another prayer. He hears, '' Bless you mommy, rest in peace daddy. '' The father starts panicking and saying, '' Holy shit! I'm going to die tomorrow! '' The following start of the next day consisted the father being alert all the time, checking the clock, looking around the room, etc. He goes to work to do the same things, being alert, all of that. He looks at the clock again 3 hours later. It's past midnight. The father says, '' How is this possible? I should be dead! '' He goes home and finds his wife on the couch with a scared look on her face. She asks, '' What took you so long!? '' The father says, '' Listen honey, today I haven't had the best of days. '' Then as soon as he is about to tell what happened, she bursts out, '' I saw the mailman die yesterday! ''
This sub has gone from great to bad in just months. The majority of the top posts were rule-breaking reposts from r/terriblefacebookmemes and r/wholesomememes. Many long-term members have been rightfully complaining.I am happy to announce that r/boomershumor will be returning to its roots: a place for shitty boomer comics.Here’s what that means:Rules will be enforced again and new mods will be recruited in the coming weeks.Old posts that broke the rules are being removed — a clean standard needs to be set for new members.Wholesome comics are not allowed.Meta threads and OC boomer comics are now officially allowed for the time being and have their own flair.Reminder of the rules and examples of what doesn’t belong:Rule 1: Baby boomer humor only. Terrible comics that younger people could find funny don’t belong here. Try r/ComedyCemetery.Rule 2: Must be comic styled. Example of what doesn’t belong. Shitty boomer memes can be posted to r/terriblefacebookmemes.Rule 3: No wholesome comics or sanity edits. Example. You can find wholesome comics on r/wholesomememes and sanity edits on various other subs.Additional Changes:Post flairs have been added. Please recommend additional flairs in the comments.Users flairs have been added. You can select your generation and out yourself as a boomer.When reporting posts, you can now select which rule. Thank you for taking the time to report.Please post any feedback, questions, comments, and complaints about your wife in the comments below.
He was really good at spiking the ball!
I'm not joking, but he is.
They don’t like turning their back on family
It was an unexpected Journey.
A fisherman walks into /r/jokes where he meets a bartender. The bartender offers him a drink. The fisherman says he does not have money to pay, so instead he offers a trade– if he can get the bartender to laugh at his joke, then the bartender should provide a drink for free. The bartender, a smug, old pirate of a man accepts. After all, he is a moderator of /r/jokes, so he has become very accustomed to not laughing. The fisherman begins his tale. "Years ago, I set out on a whaling expedition, when a fellow sailor told me about the mystical golden fishing rod." "Let me stop you right there" says the bartender. I can see where this is going. Golden rod. This is a sex joke. I've heard it before." "No. It's not a sex joke" says the fisherman. The bartender, fascinated, realizes that this may actually be OC. The fisherman continues his tale. "There once was a mystical golden fishing rod that was said to be so powerful that anyone using it could catch any fish." "Wait a minute" says the bartender. "I think you're in the wrong place. This sounds like the tale of Darth Plagueis. You want /r/prequelmemes down the street". "No. It's not a prequel meme" says the fisherman. The fisherman continues his tale. "One day, a little boy found the rod and used it to catch a lion fish. Neptune, god of the sea appeared. He was furious because the lion fish was his best friend. In retaliation, Neptune broke the rod into pieces, separating the rod and the reel. The little boy said 'Now I am sad'. "Oh, come on!" said the bartender. "Hey, Sad. I'm neptune! You want /r/dadjokes. Don't waste my time". "No. It's not a dadjoke" says the fisherman. The fisherman continues his tale. "The boy took the pieces home, but they never worked again. Eventually, the rod was sold at a flea market, and the reel became the subject of many jokes." The fisherman then asks "So, what did you think?" The bartender, confused, looks up. "What? That's it?" The fisherman nods. The bartender, now, is very confused. It's OC, sure, but it doesn't make any sense. He scratches his head and asks a question "What do you mean about the reel becoming the subject of many jokes?" The fisherman says "I can't answer that here". The bartender asks "Why not?" The fisherman replies "The reel joke is always in the comments"
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole…
The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?” The guy says, “No, what?” “He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.” He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he’s in the bar again and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?”, he asks. “Now what?”, responds the patron. “Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barkeeper. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!”
About 3,000 miles.
A guy buys a vintage motorcycle he saw for sale in an ad in the paper. When he goes to pick the bike up, the dude who sells him the bike says, " "Now remember….that's all original leather. You can't let it get too wet. If it starts raining and you don't have anywhere to shelter it, make sure you keep a tub of vaseline with you. Rub it all over the seat so the water will just bead off." The guy takes his new bike and goes to pick up his girlfriend. The girlfriend invites the guy over to her parents house for dinner. This will be the first time he's ever eaten with her family. "I should let you know the rule of the table" she said. "There is no talking allowed. The first person to talk at the table has to clean the dishes." The guy doesn't think this is that big of a deal until he arrives at the family's house and looks in the kitchen. There must be at least three months worth of dishes inside. They are stacked up to the ceiling, stinking and rotting of mold and old bits of food everywhere. The guy almost throws up at the smell and sight of such a disgusting state of affairs. Dinner begins, and no one is saying a word. The tension is starting to get to the boyfriend, so he concocts a plan to make someone else speak first. The guy drops his fork, goes over to his girlfriend at the table, throws her up on top and just starts fucking her in front of everyone. The father and mother are obviously embarrassed. But even with their jaws on the floor, no one says a word. The guy stops and thinks to himself "This is going to be harder than I thought…." then he gets another idea….. Without hesitation, he runs over to the mother throws her up on the table and fucks the shit out of her, right in front of the father. The dad is staring daggers through the boyfriend and turning bright red in anger. But still says nothing. The girlfriend is becoming teary eyed and covering her mouth with her hands, but doesn't make a peep. The boyfriend stops fucking the mother and sits back down at his seat, completely flustered. He takes a gander out the window, and notices a sudden heavy rain has settled in. He then realizes that his vintage motorbike is parked on the street, uncovered. The boyfriend pops out of his seat and grabs his tub of vaseline. The dad jumps out of his chair and yells out, "ALRIGHT, I'LL DO THE GODDAMNED DISHES!"
They rub it, and a genie appears. "I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces. The first dinosaur thinks hard. "Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat." Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him. Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder. "I know! I'll have a shower of meat!" Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him. The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs. "I've got it!" he cries, "I want a MEATIER shower!"
They were prime mates
I don't mind having it, but I'm scared my parents have it too.
Because parking is for ten ants only!
If i could find a country that didn't take immigrants in I'd move there…
Until the police came and removed me from the library.
But it is graphs where I draw the line.
A man is walking down the street when he stumbles upon an old lamp. Giving it a rub a genie appears and says to him, "I will grant you one wish, what will it be?" The man thinks then says "Well, I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I get sea sick and I'm too afraid to fly over all that water. I wish there was a bridge there so I could just drive over!" The genie replies "No way! Think of how much material that'd be! How about something else?" The man thinks again and comes up with another idea. "You know, I've always wanted to know how women think. What they feel and their emotions and dislikes. I wish I could understand women!" He grins and looks at the genie expectantly. "Two or four lanes?"
A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station. "I have an interesting case here " he says "A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped". "Have you arrested her ? " asks the sergeant . "No not yet the floor is still wet"
The bartender said “Hey”, then the horse “you read my mind buddy.”
There was no coffin at the funeral.
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that? Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Arlene: Where did you get it? Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy. The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers. 'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
“I’ve spent the week with seven beautiful women.” “Do not fret, my son,” says the priest. “All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass and drink the juice.” “Will that cleanse my sin from me?” “No, but it’ll wipe that fuckin’ smile off your face.”
An algae- bra
I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.
Just a hint: I didn't ask a question
Because they lactose
12 years old and mixed up with coke. Disclaimer: This is just a joke. I do not condone the practice of mixing whiskey with coke.
0% of my friends are Nazis, and thats a good percentage.
You get laid only once
…before I got arrested I said "wait I can explain everything
I still fell for it.