As I get older and my eyesight gets worse, I can only think of one thing:
When will I get adult super vision?
Why shouldn’t you ever fight a dinosaur?
Because you’ll get Jurass kicked..
My christmas plant has lost it’s leaves,
now it's a disapointsettia.
I always wanted to be a Gregorian Monk…..
…..but I never got the chants.
do you think this is a good one
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarters and leaves. ‘What did I tell you?’ said the barber. ‘That kid never learns!’ Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. ‘Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?’ The boy licked his cone and replied, ‘Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!’
I haven’t spoken to my wife in 3 weeks
I didn't want to interrupt her
I can cut wood just by looking at it.
It's true. I saw it with my own eyes.
There’s an air base in Massachusetts. I’ve flown above it a few times
Over Andover again
My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home.
“How are you mate?” “Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my slippers from upstairs. My feet are freezing.” I went upstairs and found his two gorgeous 21 year old twin daughters lying naked on the bed. I said “Your dad’s sent me up here to have sex with both of you. They respond “Get away with ya… Prove it.” I shouted downstairs “Hey, mate! Both of them?” He shouted back “Of course both of them! What’s the point in fucking one?” EDIT: Gold already?! Thank you so much guys!!
I have a fear of overly complicated buildings
I have a complex complex complex
Just got my ticket to the Fibonacci convention!
I hear this year is going to be as big as the last 2 put together.
My girlfriend asked me to stop singing wonderwall
I said maybe.
What do you give a cannibal who’s late for dinner
The cold shoulder
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday
Those were the days
A wife asks her husband, “Honey, if I died, would you remarry?”
“After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship.” “If I died and you remarried,” the wife asks, “would she live in this house?” “We’ve spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I’m not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would.” “If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house,” the wife asks, “would she sleep in our bed?” “Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It’s going to last along time, so I guess she would.” “If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?” “Oh, no,” the husband replies. "She's left-handed!" Edit: punchline is not is bold anymore
Why don’t Native Americans like snow?
It's white and settles on their land
I know a great joke about unrefined oil, but I can’t post it here.
It's a little too crude.
Why is there 2 d’s in ‘Reddit’?
Because one is a repost.
People think a runny nose is funny.
But, it’s snot
My friend received some land to build on…
He said, "Thanks, a lot".
Why do they spell it “honour” and “favour” in the United Kingdom?
Because Rick Astley is British.
How is Pope’s poop different from rest of us?
It's Holy Shit.
Did you hear Marry Poppins stopped wearing lipstick whilst giving head?
Apparently the super color fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious
The early bird gets the worm
but the second mouse gets the cheese.
My wife is really mad that I don’t have a sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right!
All Americans are immigrants … especially from an East Asian (Siberian) Bloodline
https://ift.tt/2YVjBYn
A lumberjack went into a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree. It shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree”
The lumberjack smiled, “and you will dialogue”.
One day a man was waking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp.
He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. A few seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp. Reluctantly, the genie said, "Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However, because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most: your boss." So the man agreed and made his first wish. "I want lots of money", he said. Instantly 22 million dollars appeared in the man's bank account and 44 million appeared in his boss' account. For his second wish, the man wished for a couple of sports cars. Instantly a Lambergini, Ferrari and Porsche appeared. At the same time two of each car appeared outside of his boss' house. Finally the genie said, "This is your last wish, you should choose carefully," and to this the man replied, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney…"
Gamers these days have no patience.
Two thousand years ago, respawn wait times were three days
How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the light bulb really has to WANT to change 😏😏
An old woman asks her husband of 60 years
"Honey, what did you think of me when you first saw me?". "My first thought was that I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry", he replied. "And what do you think of me now darling?", the old woman asked. "I think I've done a pretty good job"
A mom decides to clean her sons room.
Under his bed she finds a large collection of BDSM porn. Disturbed and not sure what to do she goes to her husband. "What should we do about this?" she asks. He replied, "Well we sure as hell can't spank him!"
Hey, can I get some feedback on my joke?
*Makes a high-pitched screeching sound*
I never thought my baby daughter would go this far
Well, the catapult's fantastic!
My girlfriend left me so I stole her wheelchair
Guess who’s come crawling back