As I handed Dad his 50th birthday card..
He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said "You know, one would have been enough."
Bouncer: “I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
Me: "Why?" Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."
Does this creepy lighter that I found in an antique shop today count as Boomer Humor?
https://ift.tt/37jjVAQ
I really enjoy telling Dad Jokes
Sometimes he laughs.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
No text found
If con is opposite of pro..
then is Congress the opposite of progress?
They’re banning phones in my school, my teacher was laughing her ass off at this
https://ift.tt/2TTqdCz
My son Luke loves that we chose Star Wars characters as inspiration when naming my kids.
However, his sister Chewbacca and his brother Boba Fett are less amused.
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.
It was sole crushing.
I’m having a meeting at my house for people who have trouble reaching orgasm.
Let me know if you can't come.
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald Duck!"
I have the eye of a tiger, the heart of a lion…
… and a lifetime ban from the New York Zoo.
Yesterday I purchased a world map…gave my wife a dart and said to her “throw this and wherever it lands, I’m taking you for a holiday”.
Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.
Yesterday I saw a police officer wearing a pilot’s uniform,
I thought it was a bit odd. Then I realized he was one of those plane clothes cops.
You’re so ugly that I’m going to have to stop drinking
just in case I start seeing two of you…
I hate negative numbers.
I will stop at nothing to avoid them
I tied two Disney DVDs with strings and placed it inside the freezer.
It's Tangled and Frozen.
What do you do when you break a stick of asparagus?
I don't know I would just get a-spare-i-guess
What’s the difference between kung pao and the coronavirus?
One's Chinese take out, the other takes out Chinese.
I asked my Welsh friend how many sexual partners he’d had.
He started counting but he fell asleep.
The CDC has a recommendation for telling jokes during the pandemic…
Inside jokes, only.
My doctor said that my narcissistic tendencies cause me to misread social interactions.
But I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me
I always thought it would be difficult to have erectile dysfunction.
But it can't be that hard.
I hear coronavirus porn is trending.
What a bunch of sick fucks.
A snail slides into a car dealership. The car salesman greets the snail politely and asks what he’s looking for. The snail says that he just wants a really fast car and the salesman shows him the ones with a high max speed…
He slaps the roof of one and says, "This is the last one that’s built for speed." The snail says, “This is perfect, but there’s one thing I want you to do first.” The car salesman was confused. “What?” The snail said, “I want you to paint a big red S on it.” The car salesman was even more confused. “Why?” Chuckling, the snail said, “So when people see me driving, they would say, ‘look at that S car go!’”
Why is “dark” spelled with a K and not a C?
Because you can’t C in the dark
I heard about a cult that worships the number zero.
Is nothing sacred?
A girl saw her boyfriend flirting with other girls at the gym
She walked up to him and said this isn’t working out.
Why do 9 ants get to live in an apartment for free?
Because they're not tenants
How do the doctors treat mesothelioma?
Asbestos they can!
In Alabama, we don’t do the Reverse Cowgirl
We never turn our back on Family
My baby just swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.
The next diaper change could spell disaster.
The bravest (long joke)
Three generals and an admiral, one from each branch of the service, are standing around arguing which of their respective branch has the bravest members. "Army is the bravest and I can prove it," says the first general. He looks around and spots a private. "Soldier, get over here!" The young private runs over, goes to attention and throws a crisp salute. "Soldier, I want you to go climb that water tower and jump off." The private sees the water tower and without hesitation runs over to the ladder, scales up, jumps off, and dies on impact. "Now that is bravery." The Navy admiral chuckles and says, " you think that is bravery? Here watch this." He looks around and sees a young seaman. "Seaman, over here!" The young seaman rushes over, goes to attention, and throws a sharp salute. "Seaman, I want you to go over to that water tower and swan dive off." Without a second thought the young man runs over, climbs to the top, and performs a graceful swan dive off off the tower landing head first, dying on impact. "Now that is bravery. " The Marine general, not to be outdone by the Navy, just sneers out, "you boys ain't seen a thing yet." He spots a young corporal and shout out, "hey maggot, over here on the double!" The young Marine barrels over, pops to attention, and throws a perfect salute. "Alright you worthless pile of crap time to finally make something of yourself. I want you to climb up that water tower, do exactly three flips mid-air and land head first into the ground. You better die on impact as well or so help me I will reach into whatever afterlife you believe in, rip you out, and throw you off that tower myself!" Without batting an eye the Marine sprints over to the water tower, climbs up, does exactly three flips, and lands head first dying on impact. "Now that is bravery." The Air Force general just shakes his head and says, "I got this in the bag." He sees a young airman and calls him over. The young man gives a quizzical look and motions to himself to make sure, eventually walking over to the general. He makes a lazy attempt at attention and briefly throws a salute. "Airman, I want you to go over to that water tower and jump off." The airman raises his brow, looks up at the tower, and then down at the pile of dead service members. "Pfft, screw you … sir," he replies and walks off. The Air Force general turns to the other officers and remarks, "Now THAT is bravery!"
A math professor, John, is having problems with his sink …..
so he calls a plumber. The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways. The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumber and triple your salary. Just make sure you say you only made it to 6th grade, they don't like educated people." The professor takes him up on the offer and becomes a plumber. His salary triples and he doesn't have to work nearly as hard. But the company makes an announcement that all of their plumbers must get a 7th grade education. So they all go to night school. On the first day of night school they all attend math class. The teacher wants to gauge the class so he asks John, "What is the formula for the area of a circle?" John walks up to the board and is about to write the formula when he realizes he has forgotten it. So he begins to attempt to derive the formula, filling the board with complicated mathematics. He ends up figuring out it is negative pi times radius squared. He thinks the minus doesn't belong so he starts over, but again he comes up with the same equation. After staring at the board for a minute he looks out at the other plumbers and sees that they are all whispering, "Switch the limits on the integral!"
Why are books so expensive?
Because they're paper view.
You can’t sue him for medical malpractice as long as he tells you to take a deep breath!
You can’t sue him for medical malpractice as long as he tells you to take a deep breath!
Did you hear that Julie Andrews will no longer be supporting cheap lipstick? It crumbles easily and makes her breath smell.
In a quote she said "The super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis".
What’s Usain Bolt’s favourite remote button?
Fast forward
I have sex with my wife almost everyday!
Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday…
I was at the museum recently and asked a worker there if I was allowed to take pictures. He replied…
"No, they have to stay on the walls."
What does an air conditioner have in common with a computer?
They both lose efficiency as soon as you open windows.
I’m going to rewrite history
History
The pulley is the most egotistical of all machines.
It’s always the centre of a tension.
I did not know what to wear to my premature ejaculation club meeting
So I just came in my pants