As I handed my Dad his 47th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,
"You know, one would have been enough."
I got in touch with my inner self today…
…that's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper
I recently opened a restaurant.
I guess you could call me an Entrée-preneur
The hardest part about babysitting-
-is dealing with all the… spills!!!
An alcoholic law student walks into a bar . . .
He regretted not passing the bar.
With all the bad things happenning in america right now,
you woulda thought the whole thing was built on some Indian burial ground.
People don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks
We really need to raise the bar.
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because it's cheaper that way.
What is scarecrow’s favorite thing to wear?
A crop top.
I asked a chef if he ever served a steak raw..
He said yeah but it’s rare.
What do you call Sad Island weather?
A Tropical Depression
Every day at breakfast, I announce that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.
It was my longest running joke of the year.
A guy walks into a fancy club and right past the bouncer.
When the bouncer tries to stop him, the guy says "let me through, I'm fucking rich." The bouncer, eager for a tip, lets him through. The guy proceeds right to the VIP section, past the ropes, and sits down at the best table. The bouncer tries to stop him again, but the guy says "I can sit wherever I want, I'm fucking rich." Again, the bouncer decides to let the guy sit down, still hoping for a big tip. The guy then walks behind the bar, grabs the most expensive top-shelf bottle, and takes it back to his table. The bouncer, realizing that the owner will fire him for letting a guest grab such an expensive bottle, stops the guy a third time and says "I don't care how wealthy you are, you can't have that bottle." All the sudden a huge man, dwarfing the bouncer, taps him on the shoulder and tells the bouncer to let the guy keep the bottle. Indignant at the bold statement, the bouncer replies "and who the hell are you?" "Rich."
A German is trying to to make his way to Paris
At the border, the French customs agent asks him “Name?” “Hans Mueller.” “Place of residence?” “Munich.” “Occupation?” “No, just vacation this time.”
Yesterday I went
to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo. After it wouldn't wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.
Why couldn’t the banana yell high?
It could only yellow.
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap
He was high on my list of priorities
Here is joke about Canada don’t take it seriously
Credits to u/commonschemeforyou God was creating all the countries and it was Canada's turn He turned to his angels and said "this country will have unmatched beauty, plenty of natural resources, and its citizens will be the happiest and friendliest in the world" The angels ask God, "aren't you blessing this country a little TOO much?" and God replies, "wait till you see who their neighbour is"
My wife and I decided to curb our smoking habit a bit by only smoking after sex.
I havnt touched a cigarette in 10 years and shes up to 2 packs a day. RIP Rodney.
All of my friends have such expansive bucket lists.
Mine is just a little pail in comparison.
My deaf wife just told me that “we need to talk.”
That was not a good sign.
I proposed my russian girlfriend and she said yes
For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow. It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind. Later during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food. On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people were waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl. As we passed, they all said in unison, "You may now kiss the bride!" My wife got giddy and gave me a big kiss, which I of course returned. As we walked away I asked, "Why did they tell us to kiss and not the priest?" My wife answered, "In Soviet Russia, the punchline tells you!"
How do you introduce a hamburger?
“meet patty”
What do you call a boat made of penises and potatoes?
A dictatorship =3
I was in a very busy Whole Foods and saw this beautiful young woman shopping.
I asked her, "I can't seem to find my wife, can I talk to you?" "Sure, but how can that help?" "Once she sees me talking to you, I'll bet you anything she'll appear out of fucking nowhere."
A Conman, Moron and Rapist walks into a Bar
Bartender asks “What would you like, Mr. President?”
I never thought my baby daughter would go this far
Well, the catapult's fantastic!
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.
I spotted an albino Dalmatian yesterday.
It was the least I could do for him.
r/coronavirus is officially the fastest-growing community on Reddit
It must be viral.
A policeman is training three men, Bob, Don, and Rod, to become detectives.
The policeman flashes an image of a suspect at Bob for five seconds, and then asks him, "This is your suspect. How will you catch him?" Bob replies, "Well, sir, that's easy! He only has one eye!" The policeman replies, "That's because the photo I showed you is his profile! He doesn't have one eye!" He goes to Don next, and does his usual thing. Don replies, "That's a piece of cake! He only has one ear!" To which the policeman says, "Well, that's because the photo I showed you IS HIS PROFILE!" Pissed off at this point, he goes to Rod and asks him, "This is your suspect. How will you find him?" Rod looks at the picture intently, and the says, "The suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is confused, and decides to check. Moments later, he emerges with a big smile on . his face and says, "Wow! He really does wear contact lenses! How did you make such an astute observation?" "Easy. He can't wear regular glasses because he has only one eye and one ear."