As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked me with tears in his eyes and said…
“You know, one would’ve been enough!”
Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole.
I am thankful every day that I live in Canada.
For Sale: Slightly Used Chewing Gum
Near Mint Condition!!!
A woman in labor suddenly shouted……..
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!" "Don't worry," said the doc. "Those are just contractions."
How does an octopus go into battle?
Well armed
The Pope and Donald Trump are standing in front of a large crowd.
The Pope says to Trump, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!” Trump replies, “I seriously doubt that, with one wave of your hand? Show me!” So the Pope slapped him.
What’s the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer?
The taste. Kindly stolen from my friend who is an ER doc.
What goes with the Coronavirus?
Lyme Disease
I sprayed some deodorant in my mouth.
Now, when I talk, I have this weird Axe-scent
My Son, Luke, Loves How I Name My Kids After Star Wars Characters
My daughter, Chewbacca, not so much
My wife said I should put the mask on if I’m leaving the house – and so I always do.
But my dog has to be so sick of that stupid movie by now.
“Employers, what’s the most inappropriate thing someone’s worn to a job interview?”
https://ift.tt/2VxmLxC
There’s a company that will help you temporarily find memories you’ve lost, for a fee.
Just visit Rent-A-Missing Reminiscing!
Social Distancing Pickup Lines
If Covid-19 doesn't take you out, can I? Is that hand sanitizer in your pocket are you happy to be within 6 ft of me? Can't spell virus without U and I. Do you need toilet paper cuz I can be your Prince Charmin. I saw you checking me out from across the bar, stay there. Hey Baby! Can I ship you a drink? Can't spell quarantine without U R A Q T. credit: some facebook post i saw.
I’ve been fired from work for putting in too many shifts
Keyboard manufacturing isn't as easy as you think
As a doctor, I am addicted to hitting my patients on their knees to test their reflexes.
I really get a kick out of it.
A man stumbles upon a magic lamp with a genie willing to grant him one wish.
Man: I wish your name was "Burger King". Genie: Wait, what? Why? Man: It's for a joke, trust me. Genie: You'd waste a wish, something with the power to change the cosmos itself, for a joke? Man: Yes. Burger King: Have it your way.
I was having a bad day so I bought a bottle of vodka,gin and whisky and put them in an elevator and sent them to the top floor. Didn’t have a good reason,
Just needed something to lift my spirits
Why do mountains never get cold?
Because they have snow-caps!
My grandfather used to tell me “the day a black man becomes president is the day pigs will fly!”
Sure enough, right after Obama took office, swine flu.
Schrodinger’s Crush
Before you ask her out, she is both single and taken
Sweet dreams are made of cheese.
Who am I to diss a brie?
Some of my friends have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves…
…but I don't like to point fingers…
I am a little confused about why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday
I don't know what to make of it
I was asked at an interview what my weakness is
I replied "I'm too honest" The interviewer said "I don't consider honesty a weakness" I said "I don't give a fuck what you think"
A man is staying in a hotel.
He walks up to the front desk and says, “Sorry, I forgot what room I’m in, can you help me?” The receptionist replies, “No problem, sir. This is the lobby.”
The swordfish has few predators in the wild.
Except for the rare penfish, which is said to be mightier.