As I regained consciousness from last nights car crash.
The Doctors were trying to convince me, I'm actually a Swedish bloke who had forgotten his identity…
But I wasn't Bjorn yesterday!
Why is it wrong to punch the wall when you’re frustrated?
The wall has never been anything but supportive.
I gently slid her panties to the side …
so that I could fit the rest of the socks in the drawer
Two thieves break into a house. Once inside, they sneak into the master bedroom and tie up the naked woman they find in there.
A startled, naked, man comes out of the bathroom, sees what's happening and says, "Please, please, take whatever you want, I will even give you the combination to my safe. Just, please, untie her and let her go." The thieves were surprised by how heartfelt the pleas from the man were. One of them says, "Wow, you must really love your wife in order to beg like that." The man replies, "I do, and she will be home any minute!"
There are two types of people. People who need closure
No text found
All these people getting emails from the Prince of Nigeria, I got one from an Egyptian Pharaoh!
But it turned out to just be a pyramid scheme…
Oh god guys, I’m hearing a noise up stairs
Really hope that it isn’t Christopher Robin my house
My boss stormed over and yelled, “What the heck are you doing? Put some backbone into it!”
I hate working at the McDonald's factory…
Boss wants to have sex with his secretary
A boss said to his secretary "I want to have sex with you. I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor; by the time you pick it up, I'll be done." She thought for a moment, then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said "Ask him for $2000, and pick up the money very fast; he won't even have enough time to undress himself." So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend decides to call his girlfriend. He asks, "What happened?" She responds, "I'm still picking and he's still fucking! The bastard used COINS!"
I was at a restaurant with my wife when a waitress suddenly screamed, “Does anyone know CPR??”
I shouted, "Even better, I know the whole alphabet!" Everyone laughed… Well, everyone except this one guy.
Why do stadiums get hot after the game?
Because all the fans left.
Why are there no Walmarts in Afghanistan?
Because they're all Targets.
I was recently asked to name two structures that contain water
I responded "Well, dam"
Pregnant wife: What should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: Herbert pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b- me: Himbert
I always knock on the fridge before I open it
Just in case there's a salad dressing
What should you do when its cold?
stand in the corner, because its 90 degrees there
Boy aged 4: Dad, I’ve decided to get married.
Dad: Wonderful; do you have a girl in mind?! Boy: Yes… grandma! She said she loves me, I love her, too….and she’s the best cook & story teller in the whole world! Dad: That’s nice, but we have a small problem there! Boy: What problem?! Dad: She happens to be my mother. How can you marry my mother! Boy: Why not?! You married mine!
Where do you go to buy used coffee machines?
Keurigslist
How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
Show him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
People think a runny nose is funny.
But, it’s snot
What’s the best thing to put on a hot dog?
Water, to cool him down.
What do you call a teacher who doesn’t fart in public?
A private tutor
My neighbor is a 90 year old with alzheimer’s, I see him every morning and he asks me If I’ve seen his wife. Everyday I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question
But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.
Even though 3D games are common, sometimes I like to play 2D games still. But never 1D games.
That's where I draw the line.
Why do women wear panties with flowers on them?
In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there.
Anyone hear about the Mexican train bomber?
They say he had loco motives.
