as if we didnt know that.
Ralph came home drunk one night
slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, ’You died in your sleep, Ralph. . ’ Ralph was stunned. ’I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!’ St. Peter said, ’I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken. ’ Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. . The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. ’So, you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?’ ’Not bad, replied Ralph the hen, but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I’m gonna explode!’ ’You’re ovulating, ’ explained the rooster. ’Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before? ’ ’Never, ’ said Ralph. ’Well, just relax and let it happen, ’ says the rooster. ’It’s no big deal. ’ Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg — his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell. . . . . "Ralph! Wake up you dirty bastard. You've shit the bed"
TIL: Humans are born with four kidneys.
When they grow up, two of them become adult knees.
When you donate food to a church…
is it parishable?
What do you call an Elephant that doesn’t matter?
Irrelephant.
Why did the reluctant knight finally decide to join the crusade?
The king offered him a free palace stein
Wife: Stop being an idiot. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
How do you find a blind man on a nude beach?
it's not hard.
What is an unborn child’s favorite craft?
Embryoidery!
before my surgery my anaesthesiologist offered to knock me out with either gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether / oar situation.
Dad (points at my foot): your sock has a hole in it!
Me (checking my sock): no it doesn’t! Dad: well, how did you get your foot in?
I was staying at a hotel.
Some people took the stairs to their rooms, and some took the elevator. Right then I realized everyone was raised differently
What did the cannibal’s wife do when he came home late for dinner?
She gave him the cold shoulder.
I threw an iPhone into a lake the other day.
It's still syncing
Please laugh
What's a thousand times better than Instagram? Instakilogram
Young Jesus: mom where do babies come from?
Joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea Mary, where DO babies come from?
Today I saw two blind people fighting…
I shouted "I'm supporting the one with the knife" they both ran away..
Apparently origami enthusiasts are bad at poker…
they're always folding. I'll see myself out. lol
I was recently asked to name two structures that contain water
I responded "Well, dam"
I was going to give archery a shot
But there’s too many drawbacks
My forehead is very lenient with my eyebrows.
It gives them a lot of wiggle room.
Today is the last time I will see my 80 year old grandpa
Because tomorrow he turns 81!
I used to sneak out of the house to go to parties…
…now I sneak out of parties to go home.
George Foreman named all his kids George Foreman.
He even used the name when he had a little grill.
What type of shoes do spies wear?
Sneakers
A muslim woman is getting arrested
The police officer handcuffs her “You have the right to remain silent” he says. She suddenly starts laughing. The police officer notices, and questions her behavior. “Why, you see, I’m just happy to finally have a right!”
I failed my decimals exam
But hey, at least I gave it 109.98%
What is the best part about living in Switzerland?
I'm not sure, but the flag is a big plus.
For my house party my dad said I could only have under 20 people.
But all my friends are at least 30.
A Scottish man walks into a bar..
.. There's usually an Irishman & Englishman in this joke but they're still at the Rugby World Cup.
I pour my root beer into a square cup.
Now it's just beer.
A dollar !
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to one of his customers, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters from the barber instead of the dollar bill?” The boy replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game will be over!” 😛 😀
My friend is making a lot of money by selling photos of salmon dressed up in human clothes.
It’s like shooting fish in apparel.
The skydiving instructor asked if there were any questions.
So…Is it a freefall? I asked him. He said, It is, indeed. I said, Good, because I haven't got any money.
My new business failed miserably, I was selling T-shirts featuring glow in the dark dollar bills
But then my Dad reminded me: money doesn’t glow on tees.
A married man arrives piss drunk to his home, he hardly makes it into his house after making a mess… in the morning he wakes up with a “breakfast for champions” in front of him, and he is like… what???…
A married man arrives piss drunk to his home, he hardly makes it into his house after making a mess… in the morning he wakes up with a "breakfast for champions" in front of him, and he is like… what???… He looks down to his in-bed breakfast and sees waffles, scrambled eggs with bacon, a glass of freshly squeezed orange juice, an ice cold beer, a couple of aspirins, and a note that simply says "love you". He stumbles outside the room and sees broken glass, a broken lamp, mud (or vomit) in the carpet, half the clothes he was wearing the day before stinking of alcohol and cigarette laying in the floor… he has no idea what happened, so he calls for his son. "where is your mom?" He asks. "she went to the store to get a new door lock" The kid answers. "ok… do you know what happened yesterday?" "i sure do" says the kid; "you came home at around 5am drunk off your mind, you parked the car in the front lawn, after doing a couple of doughnuts on the front lawn with the car, then, you couldnt fit the key on the front door, and started knocking the door really hard and yelling for us to open, waking the neighbors that where still not awake because of the car parking, but you didnt wait for us, so you ended up kicking open the door after failing to force your way in…" "…afterwards, you stumbled into the table at the entrance breaking the lamp grandma left mom before she passed away…" "…after that, you tried to go up the stairs, and knocked off the wall most of the framed pictures we had hanging, thats when you vomited all over yourself." "So, what happened then?" asked the still hung over man. "Me and mom reached you half way up the stairs and understood you couldnt be talked to, so we dragged you up the stairs, by then you where trying to undress yourself, but couldnt really do it. You only got half your shirt off so mom unbuttoned the rest and then reached for your pants…" "And then what happened????" "Well, mom was trying to take your vomit soaked pants off when you very strongly pushed her aside, and yelled, "KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF ME YOU WHORE! IM A MARRIED MAN!" just before blacking out.
Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, ‘You died in your sleep, Bob….’ Bob was stunned. ‘I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!’
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.' Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home…. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?' 'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!' 'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before? ' 'Never,' said Bob. 'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.' Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg — his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell….. 'BOB, wake up……. You've shit the bed!