As in: They stormed in unasinous force…
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
It's gonna take me a while to get hard; I got laid earlier today
I woke up this morning to a reminder from my drunk self. Had to laugh through the hangover.
https://ift.tt/2whgf5W
Words cannot express…
…how limited my vocabulary is.
Which weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.
Iβm trying to be a sociopath, but I realized Iβm not great in manipulating people.
Iβm more of a so-sopath.
Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick while giving head?
Apparently the super color fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious
Back in the day, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Now, everyone owns a car and the rich have horses…
My, how the stables have turned!!
My wife asked me if I thought our kids were spoiled
I said "No, I think all kids smell like that"
I’m reading a horror novel in Braille
Something bad is going to happen, I can feel it.
I caught a really bad case of the flu in Madrid.
Whilst sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realised I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help. "Oh, so you're sick!" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!" The doctor strolled into the room within seconds, and whilst I stuttered and tried to comprehend the situation, he gave me some medicine to ease the symptoms. When I finally stammered out "h…how does the hotel have their own doctor on call?", he simply shook his head and cracked a smile, and replied: "Nobody expects the Spanish inn physician."
If you ever lock yourself out of your house, just talk to the lock calmly.
Because communication is key.
People think Iβm addicted to drinking brake fluid
I always say, βI can stop whenever I want.β
Africa only has two seasons
Hot and wet and hot and miserable.
There is a law in my city that people who live somewhere else can’t be buried in any of it’s cemeteries.
It's because they are still alive.
I wish I could be ugly for just 1 day
Because being ugly every day sucks… π
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, βSo, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?β The Lone Ranger responds, βIβd like to speak to my horse.β The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silverβs ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful,naked blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Rangerβs Tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits heβs impressed. βYou have very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?β The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horseβs ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chiefβs surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a naked brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Rangerβs tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. βYou are indeed a man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow. βWhat is your last request?β The Lone Ranger responds,β Iβd like to speak to my horseβ¦.ALONE.β The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Rangerβs tent. Once theyβre alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says: βListen very carefully, you fcuking dickhead, for the last timeβ¦β¦β¦. . BRING POSSE!!!!β
Why couldn’t the keyboard sleep?
Because it has 2 shifts.
My friend asked me, βIs sex weird after one gets a vasectomy?β
I said, βI donβt notice a vas deferens.β
The boomer who shared this made sure to let everyone know that the mechanic was his favorite
https://ift.tt/2Xp5fyC
What Do You Call Slutty Potatoes?
Tater Thots
How do Disney princesses screw in a lightbulb?
They hold the bulb in the socket and wait for the world to revolve around them
A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.
The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems: "I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her closely and said," Those aren't bags, those are your breasts." She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.
Why aren’t porcupines allowed to become bartenders?
They always spike the drinks.
I am sick and tired of millenials and their entitled attitude.
Always walking around like they rent the place.
I’m a proud anti-vaxx mother of five children!
Edit: four children Second edit: 2 children!
Me: Officer, are you actually crying while you’re writing me a speeding ticket?
Officer: It was a moving violation
I love how earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
As an immigration officer, I may not always agree with you.
But I can see where you are coming from.