As long as it sells…
If the new SONY car ever breaksdown
You'll have to Walkman.
What do you call a deaf gynecologist
A lip reader
I found an alien masturbating in my freezer last night.
I asked him what on earth he was doing in there. All he said was, "I cum in peas."
Some people aren’t shaking hands because of COVID 19.
I’m not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper and hand sanitizer.
I just got a new job at a prison library.
It has its prose and cons.
A bear goes to the bar and says “can I get one whiskey………………and one coke”
The bartender asked "why the big pause" The bear replies "I was born with them"
A drunk old man stumbles into a bar . . .
It’s the roughest bar at the end of the roughest street in town. It’s full of the scariest, meanest bikers you ever saw. Swaying slightly, he scans the room and stops when he finds the biggest, toughest-looking guy in the place. He stumbles over to the guy’s table, points at him and says in a loud voice: “I FUCKED YER GRAMA, YOU SON OF A BITCH!” Place goes dead quiet. The big guy doesn’t move, but he also doesn’t take his eyes off the old man. “You hear me, asshole?! I FUCKED her every which way for HOURS, and you know what? She LOVED it!!She BEGGED for more! What do ya think of THAT?!” The biker says nothing. This just makes the old man angrier. “What’s the matter with ya, ya pussy? Ain’t you got nothing to say?!” Slowly, the massive biker rises to his feet . . . . . . and says . . . “Let’s get you home, Grampa. You’re drunk.”
Why is Kim Jong-Un so chubby?
Because he never had to run for his office
My wife said she’s going to leave me if I don’t stop with the click bait
You wont believe what happened next!
I don’t get why everybody hates Hitler.
I mean, he killed the leader of the Nazi party for god sakes.
Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this she can’t stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: “What’s threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?” The woman replies: “It’s Frank, the midget.”
Got an ice cream for my girlfriend
Best trade i ever made.
How many “friend-zones” guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they'll just compliment it and get pissed when it won't screw.
We tried Plan a, b, c, d but none have worked.
But, Plan e just might take off
It’s okay if your phone autocorrects “fuck” to “duck.”
You're still using fowl language.
To all of you who have been disowned by fathers. In honor of pride month and on behalf of all dads of R/dadjokes I just wanna say, buffalo.
Because you can always be our bi-son, and even if you don't feel like shooting straight, we will always be trans-parent with you. You are loved.
I called two girls hipsters and got slapped
Apparently the polite term is conjoined twins
Make sure you raise your left leg at midnight tonight guys.
Let’s start the new year off on the right foot.
NSFW
Oral sex in the morning? I call that a Head Start.
My Dad told me he always struggled with three subjects in school;
Maths, and he couldn’t remember the other one.
As a Pink Floyd fan, nothing makes me angrier than seeing a vegan eating pudding.
Because how can you have any pudding if you don't eat yer meat?
My friend decided to have a testicle removed after he found a lump.
He is really hardcore about his mashed potatoes.
How many Jews does it take to change a lightbulb?
Who needs lightbulbs when you have eight candles?
I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise….
My boss asked “what companies? “ Gas, water and electricity.
A man had been drinking at a bar all night and pukes down the front of his shirt.
“Shit I can’t go home like this my wife will kill me” The bartender sees this and says “put a $20 bill in you pocket and when she sees the puke tell her some drunk puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaning”. So the guy goes home and his wife sees the puke on his shirt and asks what happened, to which he replies “a drunk guy puked on me and he gave me $20 to pay for dry cleaning”. To which his wife says “Ok well then why do you have $40 in your hand?” “Because he also shit in my pants.”
Cardi B and Bill Cosby walk into a bar…
I don’t remember the rest.