As long as the stock market is fine….
When I die I want my coffin to be made of onions.
My family don't love me very much.
What’s the difference between an Indian and African Elephant?
One’s an elephant.
Hey Bob, do you shower after sex
Hey Bob, do you shower after sex? Well, of course I do. Great, could you please get laid more often?
Me, at the hot dog stand: Can I get a jumbo sausage?
Hot dog guy: Sure. Won’t be long. Me: Yikes. In that case, can I have two?
Got my friend with this one, she was not too happy…
Me: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself. Friend: Seriously!? Who!? Me: Uh, I can't remember… I think her name was Reese something? Friend: WITHERSPOON!!?? Me: No, it was with a knife…
I saw Santa following me around in the mall, and I asked him why.
He said, “Christmas stalking.”
My wife thinks I don’t give her enough privacy.
At least that's what she said in her diary.
Every day, my teacher reads a joke from Reddit to start the class, but today she is absent.
So instead, a subreddit.
Cheating Wives
A guy thought his wife was cheating on him. He waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her, he found out she was working in a whore house. The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $100?" The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?" The guy replies that all the cabbie has to do is go inside the whore house, grab his wife, put her in the back of the cab, and take them home. The cabbie goes in. A couple of minutes later, the whore house door gets kicked open, and the cabbie starts dragging out this woman who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab. The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here! Hold her!" The man looks down at the girl and yells to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE!" The cabbie replied, "I KNOW. IT'S MINE… I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!"
Corona isn’t Trump’s fault. Ebola wasn’t Obama’s. SARS wasn’t Bush’s…
…and only a handful of cases of herpes was Clinton's.
Coding in binary takes a lot of effort.
You have to do it bit by bit.
Whenever a homeless person asks me for money, I admit my first thought is always, “This money’s just going to get spent on booze or drugs.”
That's why I always give it to the homeless person instead.
Do you speak Spanish?
A) No B) A little C) Señor
NEWS: Chuck Norris has coronavirus.
… for breakfast.
Africa only has two seasons
Hot and wet and hot and miserable.
You know what happens if you don’t pay your exorcist?
You get repossessed.
After two weeks of trying, my wife just told me she was pregnant.
She has the world worst stutter.
What are Mario’s jeans made of?
Denim denim denim Denim denim denim
R.I.P Boiling water,
You will be mist.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting
I said well yea, but people that sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.
Don’t be sarcastic with a kleptomaniac.
They take everything literally
A man with 5 legs put on pants
They fit like a glove
Just heard someone bragging about their one night stand
Well I've got two night stands and a double bed
An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar…
The first asks for a pint of beer. The second asks for 1/2 of a pint of beer. The third asks for 1/4 of a pint of beer, etc. The bartender fills 2 pints of beer, and walks away.
What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws
Outlaws are wanted
I showed my damaged luggage to a lawyer, and said, “I want to sue the airline!”
The lawyer said, “You don’t have much of a case.”
A cop pulled me over and asked me, “Where were you at 5-6?”
I replied Kindergarten