As long as you both have something in column
I didn’t understand why some people are into incest porn
then I remembered that taste is relative.
Flat earthers have nothing to fear
Except sphere itself.
I’m looking to sell my DeLorean. Good shape, low mileage…
Only driven from time to time.
My girlfriend told me she had slept with 5 men before we met.
I wouldnt mind, but I was only 30 minutes late.
Never say anything bad about a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes.
By then he’s a mile away, you have got his shoes, and your can fucking say whatever you want about the cunt.
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
Ah, this one got me good 😀
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?[NSFW]
Smallpox HAPPY TURKEY DAY!
Why was the borrowed money happy to be returned?
Because it wasn’t a loan anymore.
I bought myself a first aid kit today.
I thought I would Treat myself.
I slept like a baby last night..
I spent half the night crying and then shit myself.
What does an inflated tire say when it gets excited?
“I’m pumped”.
Wife: “I have blisters on my hands from the broom”.
Husband: "Take the car next time, silly!"
My girlfriend used to smoke after we made love
so we started using lubricant
how did luke know what darth vader got him for christmas?
he felt his presence
Another character unlocked
Another character unlocked
There are two types of people. People who need closure
No text found
Frustrated by a world of moral decay, a man decided that he wanted a pure, innocent woman for his wife.
So he went to church in the hope of finding someone who had not been corrupted by modern society. After two weeks, he met a charming girl and took her back to his place for the ultimate test. Whipping out his manhood, he asked her: ‘What’s this?’ ‘A cock,’ she replied. Disappointed by her vulgar response, he decided she was not the girl for him. Two weeks later he met another fine upstanding church girl and resolved to put her to the same test. So when he took her home, he whipped out his manhood and asked her: ‘What’s this?’ ‘A cock,’ she answered. Deeply dejected, he concluded that she, too, failed to meet his requirements. Two weeks later, he met another sweet girl and invited her home. He whipped out his manhood and asked her: ‘What’s this?’ She giggled and said: ‘A pee-pee.’ That was exactly the sort of innocent answer he was looking for, and the pair began dating. Soon they married and settled down to enjoy their life together. But whenever she saw him naked, she giggled and said: ‘That’s your pee-pee.’ Whilst he found it endearing at first, it eventually began to grate a little, so he thought he ought to correct her. ‘Look,’ he explained, ‘this is not a pee-pee, it’s a cock.’ She laughed and said: ‘No, it’s not. A cock is ten inches long and black.’
Why is there 2 d’s in ‘Reddit’?
Because one is a repost.
My wife just put on a dress and asked me to zip it
I'm not sure why… I wasn't even talking!
My roommate tried to keep two crows in our apartment as pets.
The cops arrested him for attempted murder.
What’s the difference between a constipated owl and a bad marksman?
A bad marksman shoots, but can't hit. A constipated owl hoots, but can't shit.
Surge pricing? More like food for chumps n suckers.
Surge pricing? More like food for chumps n suckers.
I Don’t Think That Bulldog Is Willing To Cheer For Your Team
I Don’t Think That Bulldog Is Willing To Cheer For Your Team
A necrophiliac walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says “What’s your pleasure?”.
He replies "I'd love to have a cold one."
Just as I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock?
It’s really time consuming.
Did you know that Iceland…
…is only one sea away from Ireland?
I found a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.
It is kneadless, to say.
The husband and his young wife were not on good terms. In fact the wife was convinced that he was carrying on with the pretty housemaid, so she laid a trap.
One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn’t inform the husband. That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story, ”Excuse me my dear……..my stomach,” and disappeared towards the bathroom. The wife promptly dashed along the corridor, up the back stairs and into the maid’s bed. She just had time to switch the lights off when in he came in silently………. He wasted no time or words but quickly took out his dick, got on top of her and fucked her like there was no tomorrow. When he finished and while he was still panting, the wife said, "You didn’t fcuking expect to find me in this bed did you!!” and switched on the light. “No madam”, said the gardener.
A farmer in a field had 198 sheep
But when he rounded them up he had 200
You should never date someone with a lazy eye
They might be seeing someone on the side
I keep dreaming this horse is trying to kill me.
She’s a nightmare
Milk is the fastest thing on Earth.
It's pasteurized before you know it.
I had one of the first computers that could talk….
But this one day the computer wouldn't stop talking, so I got a Zip drive.