As soon as i make a facebook again, i see this shit lol
Telltale games is closing down.
'No matter what choices were made the outcome was going to be the same' said a spokesman
What did the grape say when it got crushed?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
My mother used to say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach…
Lovely woman, useless surgeon…
If you ever lock yourself out of your house, just talk to the lock calmly.
Because communication is key.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie.
How often should columns be connected at the top?
Just a lintel bit of the time
My mother died a few years ago. I recently came across her death certificate and had a brilliant idea!
"I know how we can bring mom back!" I exclaimed. "Get me a Sharpie!" My sister, looked at me confused, "Why?" I pointed to the border of the certificate, "It says 'void if altered'!" (This actually happened and my sister didn't find it very funny. But we each deal with grief our own ways…)
Someone ripped some pages out of both ends of my dictionary today…
It just goes from bad to worse…
What’s brown and rhymes with Snoop?
Dr. Dre.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: "Efficient."
If you’ve spent ages figuring out how to keep herbs and spices on your belt loop…
…you've waisted thyme.
Did you hear about the new radio station?
W-I-F-E They tell you what to do all day long!
A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town.
They were about to have sex when the girl stopped. “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.” The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl. “Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25…”
I didn’t think my son was stealing from his geometry teacher until I saw his room…
All the sines were there.
What do you call a nervous javelin thrower?
Shakespeare.
What do you call a hippie’s wife?
Mississippi
What do you call a fat psychic?
A 4-chin-teller
What’s the hardest part of being an anti-vax parent?
Scraping those stick family decals off your rear window.
psychologist girl and law boy
> A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?” > The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" > All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed. > After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?” > The guy then responded with a loud voice: “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!” > All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.The guy whispered in her ear: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".
Don’t be sarcastic with a kleptomaniac.
They take everything literally
My dad always told me “don’t be quick to find faults.”
Good Dad, terrible geologist.
How do you get Trump to change a light bulb?
Tell him Obama put it in…
I’ve often heard that “icy” is the easiest word to spell
Looking at it now, I see why
I bought a dictionary and when I got home I realized all the pages were blank…
I have no words for how angry I am.
Three guys go in for a job interview.
The first guy goes in and kicks ass, best job interview he’s ever done in his life. End of the interview comes around, the interviewer says: “By the way, do you notice anything strange about me?” “Yeah,” says the guy… “You don’t have any EARS, man!” “I’m sorry, says the interviewer, but I’m very sensitive about my ears, I’m afraid you’re not the right person for this job, get the hell out of my office!” The second guy goes in, it’s the same thing, he is doing amazing, best job interview ever. Talks himself into 20K a year more than the advertised salary. End of the interview comes around, the interviewer says: “By the way, do you notice anything strange about me?” “Yeah,” says the guy… “You don’t have any EARS, man!” “I’m sorry, says the interviewer, but I’m very sensitive about my ears, I’m afraid you’re not the right person for this job, get out of my office!” So the third guy’s about to go in, but the first and second guy stop him and warn him “Hey, I don’t care how good you’re doing, how comfortable you feel, don’t say ANYTHING about his ears, he’ll throw you right out!” So the third guy goes in. Again, same thing, an AMAZING interview. End of the interview comes around, the interviewer says: “By the way, do you notice anything strange about me?” Third guy looks real close, squints his eyes a bit and says “Yeah. You wear contact lenses, don’t you?” “WOW!” says the interviewer, “That is REALLY perceptive of you! How did you know?” “Well…” Says guy three… “You sure as hell couldn’t wear glasses!”
Maybe we can relate to the youth better by putting a cartoon about gadgets in a textbook!
https://ift.tt/2P1Qygl
A redhead tells her blonde sister, “I slept with a Brazilian…”
The blonde replies: "Oh My Gosh! You slut! How many is a Brazilian?"
I saw a guy riding on a unicycle the other day.
I've seen him a few times here and there on local streets. I thought to myself "I bet he never gets too-tired."
Twenty years ago, I married my best friend in the whole world.
If my wife ever finds out, she’ll kill me!
What kind of shoes do Ninjas wear?
Sneakers
What’s the difference between a step stool and a 3D printer?
The former is a latter and the latter is a former.
My doctor thinks my diarrhea might be hereditary.
It runs in my jeans.