Ash
I got thrown out of my local park after arranging the squirrels by height.
They didn't like me critter sizing.
I heard the atheists are trying to get tax exempt status now
they are a non-prophet organization
A man walks into a suit shop…
[M] And asks to try on some of the suits. The salesman obliges and gives him some options. The customer, however, hates all the options and after an hour of trying them on, throws the suits down in disgust. “These are all terrible!” The customer cries. Exasperated, the salesman throws his hands in the air and says, “Fine, suit yourself!”
HOW i got rich
One rich man is asked how he got rich. He answers: I bought one unwashed apple in the market for a dollar, washed it and sold it for 2, then bought 2 unwashed apples, washed it and sold it for 4. -And so gradually you got rich? – No, after 2 years, my grandmother died and left me a legacy of 4 billion dollars, and I stopped doing nonsense
It used to be that when people would tell me to go to Hell, I’d say “I don’t believe in Hell.”
But then I got married.
An OverweightTime Traveler goes to ancient rome
An Overweight Time Traveler goes to ancient rome and realizes he wore historically incorrect clothes for the trip. Realizing his mistake he visits a toga shop to purchase new clothes. He looks around the shop and realizes they do not have togas big enough to fit him. He goes to the counter and asks the clerk: Time traveler: Do you have XL togas? Clerk: Well, yes. But why do you need so many?
Why can’t humans hear a dog whistle?
Because dogs can't whistle!
I just saw a Buddhist order a hot dog.
He said, "Make me one with everything. "
“How many digits of pi do you know?” – “All of them…
I just always forget the order!”
Why is your nose in the middle of your face ?
Because it's the scenter
Petition to lock this sub once a week
Because there's no post on Sunday
“For God so loved the world that he sent his condom baby to whine for ‘our’ sins.”
https://ift.tt/2EQP7eT
Presidents
Two guys, one American, one Russian, are discussing their presidents: – We despise our president, you know, when Trump is out in the crowd, everyone throws eggs, fruits – saw somebody throwing a pineapple at him; he get spit a lot and we swear at him aloud … – Here, In Russia, when Putin passes by, everybody urinates on him, but you know, everybody! – Well, let's be serious; I exaggerated a little … we swear at Trump, but in a whisper … we throw at him … but in front of our TVs … – Well, I exaggerated a bit as well … We really urinate, but we don't put our pants down … [Now: not a native speaker, so mistakes should be overlooked, of course, I hope it's not a repost]
Why did the first people to fly a plane succeed?
They were Wright
I ain’t sayin she a gold digger
but she did migrate to California in 1849.
“Son In Iraq I killed 15 people.”
Son: Dad you were a helicopter mechanic Dad:Never said I was a good one
It’s hardly known this, but one of Shakespeare’s characters actually died at childbirth.
It was Othello… and then Othgoodbye.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.
After I broke my arm, my buddy wrote down all of my homework assignments on my elbow cast.
It really classed up the joint.
A boy was upstairs playing on his computer when his grandad came in the room and sat down on the bed.
"What are you doing?", asked the grandad. "You're 18 years old and wasting your life. When I was 18 I went to Paris, I went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed on the barman and left without paying. Now that is how to have a good time." A week later, the grandfather comes to visit again. He finds the boy still in his room, but with a broken arm in plaster, 2 black eyes and missing all his front teeth. "What happened?", he asked. "Oh Grandfather!", replied the boy. "I did what you did. I went to Paris, went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed all over the barman, and he beat the crap out of me!" "Oh dear!", replied the grandad. "Who did you go with?" "Just some friends, why? Who did you go with?" "Oh!" replied the grandad. "The Third Panzer Division."
I prefer to have my milk churned.
It’s butter that way.
Man, on a first date: How do you feel about sex? Woman: I like it infrequently.
Man: I see. Is that one word or two?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. Me: Okay, I'll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure. How much is that? Bartender: $3. Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
A teacher says to her class one day, “Whoever answers my next question, can go home.”
A boy throws his bag out the window. The teacher asks, “Who just threw that?” The boy says, “Me! I’m going home now.”
A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmers hens. The farmer is impressed.
At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer is not just impressed anymore,he is worried. Next morning,not only is the rooster screwing the hens but he is screwing the turkeys,ducks even the cow. Later farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, limp as a rag, his eyes closed, dead and vultures circling overhead. The farmer runs out, looks down at the young roosters limp body and says: "You deserved it, you horny bastard!" And the young rooster opens one eye, points up at the vultures with his wing, and says, Shhhh!,they are about to land."
A man went to the funeral of his dear friend and asked the wife of the deceased to ask if he could say a word, to which she said: Yes. He said “Plethora”
She said "thank you, that means a lot"
I always wondered if Disney could pull off a good tiger villain.
They Shere Khan.
I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal
Elongate would be really drawn out.
What would you get if a dinosaur kicked you in the backside?
A mega sore ass.
I found a spot of cancer on my bingo card.
But don't worry, it was B9.
I’ve recently been asking people what LGBTQ means
No ones been able to give me a straight answer yet
Teenage daughter asked “When is that new Elton John movie coming out?”
I replied "I think it's gonna be a long, long time"
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters,
completely harmless until you light one on fire and stick it in your mouth.
Sometimes my son breaks into hives.
Not sure why he hates bees so much.