Ask anyone!
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving
You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
My girlfriend is a pornstar
She is going to be very pissed when she finds out.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson, Stephen Hawking, and Bill Nye walk into a bar.
Neil and Bill look at Stephen Hawking and yell, "My God, Stephen, you're cured!"
Where did the Terminator find toilet paper?
Aisle B, Back
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I had $1,000 extra in my pay last month, this month I was $1,000 short. When I reported it to payroll they asked me why I didn’t say anything when I got paid too much.
I told them, I'll tolerate one mistake but not two.
I just got fired from the calendar factory and I don’t understand why
all I did was take a day off
Why does Waldo only wear stripes?
Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.
My hot as hell lesbian neigbors asked me to be to sleep with them so they could have a baby. We’ve been trying for three years now.
I haven't got the heart to tell them I got a vasectomy five years ago.
I told a girl she drew her eyebrows too high.
She seemed surprised.
Why can’t chickens tell time properly?
They don't have enough bucks to buy clucks.
The person who invented the wheel to make life easier is so lazy
All he did was cut corners
What is a pirate’s favorite letter?
(After they reply with R) Ye think it’d be Arr, but me first love be the C
A man and his wife are watching tv. He keeps switching between fishing and porn.
After a while, the man’s wife says, “Keep it on porn, you already know how to fish.”
I suggested to the national park service we release clay pigeons back into the wild.
That idea was immediately shot down
What kind of fire leaves a room damp?
A humidifire.
I have made myself too many places to store books.
I have no shelf control.
My friend Ty won the Beijing marathon, but wasn’t awarded a gold medal.
The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.
Why do hockey players wear so many pads?
Because they have 3 periods a game.
While blending home cooked baby food for my 5 month old this morning I turned to my wife and said,
“I’ve done it! I’ve accomplished whirled peas!”
How do tree nuts usually end their prayers?
They said "Almond."
Drinking American beer is the same as having sex on a canoe.
It’s f*cking close to water.
When does a joke become a “dad” joke?
When the punchline is a parent.
I dialed a suicide hotline in Iraq
They got all excited and asked me if I could drive a truck
In my career as a lumberjack I cut exactly 58,274 trees.
I know because I kept a log.
What sort of lights to Noah use on the Ark?
Flood lights
The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”
That was some sound advice.
I just found out I’m colorblind
That diagnosis really came out of the purple
My son seemed really upset that he came in last at the Karate competition.
He was kicking himself.
I tell a lot of dad jokes, but I don’t have kids.
I guess that makes me a faux pas.