Ask for help, they say!
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
There are 10 kinds of people.
Those that understand binary and those who dont.
There was a homeless man with a sign that said “1 dollar for dirty joke.”
Seemed like a good investment to me so | gladly handed over a dollar. Homeless man: “There is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have?" Me: “Two?” Homeless man: “Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?” Me: “Two?” Homeless man: “Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?” Me: “Two?” Homeless man: “Right again, now there is this white cat walking around how many hairs are on that white cat?" Me: “I don't know? A lot?” Homeless man: “Well, why do you know so much about black cock and not enough about white pussy?”
a skelepun
so, being a fan of Undertale, i know a skeleton of skelepuns. lemme tell ya, they’re all rib ticklers.
I once went to the liquor store at the corner riding my bike
I meant to buy a bottle of whisky On my way back home I felt like I could fall off my bike and end up breaking the bottle of whisky So I decided to drink it all at once right there It was the best decision of my life because on my way back home I fell off my bike like 8 times.
What’s the difference between COVID and a Karen?
One's a contagion, the other's a cunt aging.
Jack goes to his buddy Bob and says … “I’m sleeping with the priest’s wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?”
The friend doesn't like it but being a buddy, he agrees. After mass, Bob starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks him what he's really up to. Bob feeling guilty, finally confesses to the priest… "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied." The priest smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Bob's shoulder and says… “You better hurry home now, my wife died a year ago"
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
Why did Pluto have such a terrible vacation?
Because he didn’t planet well.
I’ve been secretly injecting soap into my balls to see if I can jizz bubbles.
It's time for me to come clean.
Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?
He was afraid of capitalism!
My girlfriend left a note on my PS4 today. My heart stopped beating because it said “This isn’t working”
Imagine my relief when I turned it on and it worked just fine.
How does a chicken pay its bills?
In quarters.
What do you call Bigfoot in Europe?
Big Meter.
Do you want to know why the republicans won’t impeach Trump?
Because they believe in carrying a baby to full term.
My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, “How can I stop my addiction?”
"Whatever means necessary," she replied. "No it doesn't," I said.
Where do suicide bombers go when they die?
Fucking everywhere
When you say “poop” your mouth moves in the same way your anus does.
The same goes for "explosive diarrhea".
What did one plate say to the other?
Lunch is on me
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar
You can't tell me that's just a coincidence .
What do you call a German virus?
A germ.
This morning I got on the scales to weigh myself…
my wife walked by and I sucked in my gut, she said "That won't help" I said "Yes it will, now I can see the numbers"
Who has two thumbs and isn’t afraid of the Chinese Government? This guy.
Edit: 1 thumb Edit:0thumbs
A French spy, an English spy, and an Italian spy were sent to the USSR.
Unfortunately, they were caught within a few days and held in captivity for a week. Then they were tortured for information. The French spy was first. They tied him, tortured him, and after 20 minutes he gave them all his information. The English spy fared the same. After being tied and tortured for 20 minutes, he gave in and gave up all his information. But when they tried the same with the Italian, he refused to give up anything and stayed tied to the chair for 3 hours until the Russians gave up and threw him back in the cell. "How did you do that!" The other two were amazed at his endurance. "I wanted to give up all my information," replied the Italian. "But they tied my hands, so I couldn't talk."
My friend David lost his ID…
Now I call him Dav.
Given the Cheeto Bandito’s track record with dictators, this should be a no brainer
https://ift.tt/2Xcz6dp
Apparently nobody knows why Notre Dame caught fire….
…but Quasimodo has a hunch.
Due to the quarantine…
I’ll only be telling inside jokes.
A Mexican guy comes riding up to the border on his bicycle with two big sacks over his shoulders.
He tells the border guard that the sacks are full of sand, but the guard doesn’t believe him. The guard detains the guy, and rips open the bags, but there’s nothing but sand. He even has the sand analyzed, only to find that it really is just sand. And the sack is just a plain sack. Two days later, the same thing happens. And then it happens again, two days after that. Every time, that guy is on the bike carrying nothing but sand. This goes on for seven years. It drives the border guard crazy. He loses his job because of it. One day, he tracks the Mexican guy down and says to him, “I’m no longer a border guard, but I gotta know- what is it that you’re smuggling? Because I know you’re snuggling something.” The bicycle guy smiles at him and says, “Bicycles, sucker.”
A son goes crying to his mom..
Son: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin." Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."
Someone just called me emotionless
I don't know how to feel about it
Although my friend has a lot of hair, he’s paranoid about going bald.
I told him, “It’s all in your head.”
Last year, my friend told me he’s quitting his job to pursue a miming career.
I haven’t heard from him since.
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist’s office.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" "We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50…and I get $43 back from Medicare.
I’m an unapologetic Canadian
I'm sorry, I just am
