Asked my husband to bring me a cup of water…
What do you call 100 rabbits in a single file line marching backwards?
A receding hare line.
I was putting the outlet cover back on the wall while my wife was working at the computer with her back to me…
She said “what are you doing? What is that noise?” I said “I’ve been screwing around behind your back.” She whipped around in shock and saw me, screwdriver in hand, screwing in the outlet cover. I found it way more entertaining then she did.
Knock knock who’s there Doris Doris who
Doris locked that’s why I’m knocking
How does Trump differ from terrorist organisations?
Terrorist organisations take responsibility for their actions.
An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule.
The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, can you dance?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No son, I don't dance… never really wanted to" A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody standing around was laughing.. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12-gauge barrels. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said; "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?" The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir… but…. I've always wanted to"
Sad news….I lost my job as a stage designer,
I wasn't very happy but left without making a scene.
How do you get Trump to change a lightbulb?
Tell him Obama put it in
My ex-wife still misses me
But her aim is getting better!
I always wanted a job estimating crowd sizes.
I wonder how many people are in that field.
It took me 11 puns to finally make my friend laugh…
… because no pun in ten did.
My last 15 minutes as a 23 y/o!!
It's not my birthday but a scary looking man with a crowbar just broke into my house
What is it called when a cannonball eats another cannonball?
Cannonball-ism
I bought my friend an elephant for his room.
He said, "Thank you." I said, "Don't mention it."
Before the clock strikes midnight on Dec. 31 be sure to lift your left leg.
That way you'll start off the new year on the right foot.
Today is a day to celebrate motherfuckers.
Happy Father's Day!
Studies say obesity is the main cause of erectile dysfunction
Time to get joggin’ ladies
Why do gay people smile so much?
It's hard for them to keep a straight face.
I can cut a log in half just by looking at it
It's not impossible, I saw it with my own two eyes.
What do you call an angsty teenage robot?
A sigh borg!
ISO Halloween Jokes
Thank You.
Started reading a book in brail
Something terrible is about to happen I can feel it
How do planets clean themselves?
They take a meteor shower! ☄️
It’s ironic that in America, red white and blue stands for freedom…
… unless they're flashing behind you.
My approximately 6 year old cousin told me this joke
Him: will you remember me in 5 years? Me: yes Him: will you remember me in 10 years? Me: yea Him: knock knock Me: who’s there Him: you forgot me already??
Wife: I need an anagram for “Nuclear”
Me: That's unclear.
God said to John, “come fourth and you will receive eternal life”,
John came fifth and won a toaster.
What did one bone say to another bone?
Let’s meet up and share a joint.
At work, my colleagues have given me the nickname “Mr. Compromise.”
It wasn’t my first choice, but I’m ok with it.
All of my friends have such expansive bucket lists.
Mine is just a little pail in comparison.
Why does Snoop Dogg have an umbrella?
Fo' drizzle.
I’ve been accused of stealing other people’s jokes
This post says otherwise
What do you call a T-Rex that can fly
A Dino-soar
If you boil a funny bone
It becomes a laughing stock
I’m not racist, i love all races equally
Black, asian, normal, it doesn't matter
