Asked my lab for a new pipette, they said we have pipette at home… (this thing’s literally 40 yrs old)
How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change the bulb, and one to hold the penis. Edit: *Father Edit: * LADDER!!!! Dammit.
Mountains aren’t just funny
They’re hill areas
Do i really need a hypnotist?
I'm open to suggestion.
From my 9yo. How do you tell someone was cutting wood?
You saw-dust. (There were exaggerated winks after. And a elbow to the ribs. It was glorious)
Atheism,
It’s a non-prophet organization.
Got my dream job today. I get my own 200 thousand dollar company car and a corner window with a view of the city..
Being a city bus driver is a dream come true.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
What’s tiny and can be found on the beach?
A Microwave.
LPT: For your safety, try not to mess with asexual people.
They don’t fuck around.
A short Irish guy tricked me into giving him money for his skin disease.
I should’ve known it was a Leper-con.
Yesterday I met Sally, a young woman who operates a battery kiosk at our local community park.
Sally sells C-cells by the Seesaw.
Because of my dyslexia, sometimes I get lost when I use public transportation.
Oops sorry. Wrong bus.
![Philanthropy [oc]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/xhvc0kl30ke41-400x503.jpg)
A young man goes off to college
A young man goes off to college, but about one-third of the way through the semester, he's foolishly squandered the money his parents had given him. "Hmmmm," he wonders. "How am I going to go about getting more dough?" Then he gets and idea and phones his father. "Dad, you won't believe the wonders that modern education is coming up with!" he says. "Why, they have a program here that will teach Rex how to talk!" "That's amazing!" exclaims his father. "How do I get him in that program?" "Just send him down here with $1000," the son says, "I'll get him into the course." So his father sends the dog and the $1000. About two-thirds of the way through the semester, he again runs out of money. He calls his father again. "So, how's Rex doing, son?" his father asks. "Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this, they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals to READ!" "READ!?" says his father. ""No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?" "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class," the son says. So the father sends the money. At the end of the semester, the son finds he has a problem. When he gets home, his father is going to find out that the dog can neither talk nor read, so he shoots the dog. When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Rex?" asks his father. "I can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!" "Dad," the son says, "I have some pretty grim news. When I got out of the shower this morning, Rex was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your dad still messin' around with that hot blonde who lives on Minute Street?'" The father replies, "Damn! I sure hope you shot that lyin' dog!" The son replies, "I sure did, Dad!"
The car dealership in my town just doubled its size.
It can offer a whole lot more.
How Long Is A Chinese Name
No text found
I told Mike Tyson about the hippo that’s trained to use a toilet, but he seemed skeptical.
Keeps calling it a hippo potty myth
I got my dad a mathematician/prostitute for his birthday.
it's the thot that counts.
The past, present and future walk into a bar…
It was tense.
What is the german word for constipation?
Fahrfrompoopin
Why shouldn’t you ever fight a dinosaur?
Because you’ll get Jurass kicked..
I’ve been searching for my ex wife’s killer for the past two years.
No one is willing to do it.
My daughter said to me “Daddy, your hair is getting so long. Do you like it looking like that?”
I said "It's growing on me."
I can list every single number that’s in Pi.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, and 0.
My wife really hates that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed my things and right.
I always get confused between bowling and baseball…
But, to be fair, they have striking similarities
A Redditor walks into Reddit Restaurant…
All of our servers are busy right now. Please try again in a minute.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He's an artificial sweetner.
Yesterday I went for a walk with a beautiful girl
When she noticed me, we went for a run
A Winter War joke
A Soviet army is marching through a Finnish forest when a general hears a voice from over a hill shout: "one Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet soldiers!" The general promptly send 10 soldiers to root out the voice, there is gunfire, and then silence. After a few minutes, the voice shouts defiantly: "One Finnish soldier is better than a hundred Soviet soldiers!!" The general sends a hundred men to remove the nuisance, there is a racket of gunfire, and then quiet. The voice crys out loudly once more: "One Finnish soldier is better than a thousand Soviet soldiers!!" Enraged, the general sends a thousand men charging over the hilltop to shut up that voice once and for all, an epic battle rages, and then quiet. After a few minutes, a gravely wounded Soviet crawls back over the hill and crys: "It's a trap! There are two Finnish soldiers!!"
I zipped up my jeans and got my penis caught in the zipper. I painfully shouted out…..
"Username checks out"
What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig
the letter “f”
What’s that Italian dessert called where you pour espresso coffee over ice cream?
Everyone I ask can't remember either.