Asked my lab for a new pipette, they said we have pipette at home… (this thing’s literally 40 yrs old)
Have you heard about the new craze where guys bedazzle their testicles?
It's Pretty Nuts.
My girlfriend invited me to her house to watch Netflix.
She says “Stay here, I have to do laundry really quickly.” Out of nowhere, her sexy sister comes in and sits by me. She asks “Do you want to have sex before she gets back?” I got up and went straight to my car. My girlfriend was outside the door and hugged me, and said “I knew I could trust you.” Moral of the story: always leave your condoms in the car.
WARNING!! They said you only have to wear masks and gloves to go grocery shopping but they LIED!
Apparently you have to wear clothes too.
Telltale Games will shut down…
Fans will remember that
What happens when you give the sun a gun?
It becomes a shooting star.
I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 Seconds’ DVD.
It was here a minute ago.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, "Well, tell him he's bloody good – I ain't got any kids!"
20 minutes into Disney+ and chill…
and I've already got a friend in me.
Why did Bilbo Baggins die with an erection?
Old hobbits die hard.
When I was learning to drive, my driving instructor told me that I should wear a seatbelt because if I were to crash, the force could throw me out of the car.
I can’t believe that the fool thinks Star Wars is real.
You hear about the wizard that dropped out of Hogwarts?
He couldn’t spell. Edit: J. K. Rowling has just notified me that this wizard was also gay. I’m not sure why that was relevant & I though the joke was good on its own, but she really wanted to clarify.
What do you call an academic trucker?
A roads scholar.
What do you call fake potatoes?
Imitaters
My cousin who stutters was sentenced to 6 months in prison
That was two years ago, but he still hasn’t finished his sentence
In other news: Turtle grandpa can’t stop mitching about the consequences of his own actions
https://ift.tt/37V8bVV
I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.
I said, “What’s going on?” “You tell me?” replied my wife. I said, “I don’t know, you’re sitting on the sofa with a stranger.” “A stranger, hey?” shouted my girlfriend, “I’m no stranger, we’ve been having sex for six months!” I looked at my wife and said, “Is this true?”
Would not be suprised if this have ben posted here in one form or another but here goes
https://ift.tt/36Z0Eog
Why did the plane get sent to his room?
For a bad altitude
My wife wants me to get my coffee at home to save money.
If she really wants me to save money she should give me sex at home.
The people in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones..
But the people in Abu Dhabi Doooo!
A dyslexic walks into a bra
No text found
Telltale games is closing down.
'No matter what choices were made the outcome was going to be the same' said a spokesman
I can’t tell if I like my new blender
It keeps giving me mixed results.
A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, “Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?” She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner
She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes." Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He replies, "No, it's too expensive."
“When I stick it in my mouth, do you want me to look into your eyes?”
"Ma'am, just blow in the breathalyzer, please."
A shy man enters a bar
He sees a cute girl sitting at the bar and sits down near her. About an hour later he finally comes up to her and quietly asks her: -Excuse me miss, could I buy you a drink? The girl screams: -No! I am NOT having sex with you!! Everyone at the bar turns and stares at him. Humiliated, he walks away. A few minutes later the girl walks up to him and says: -I'm sorry I embarrassed you. See, I am a psychology student and I am observing human behavior in uncomfortable situations. The man turns and yells: -What do you mean for $200?!
That’s a nice ham you’ve got there…
It’d be a shame if someone put an ‘s’ at the front, and an ‘e’ at the end…
As I expected, my therapist told me that I have a problem verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
Gotta love dad jokes
Wife: I have something I need to tell you, I’m pregnant. Husband: Hi pregnant, I’m Dad. Wife: No you’re not.
What’s the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One is a superhero, the other is a command.
A man goes into a restaurant. He has a seat at a booth and opens a menu to find out that none of the foods have prices next to them.
He asks the waiter, “How much is the Fettuccine Alfredo?” The waiter says, “A penny.” The man exclaims, “A penny? How much for a steak?” The waiter says, “A nickel.” The man is astonished. “Are you serious? Where’s the man who owns this place? I’d like to shake his hand!” The waiter answers, “He’s upstairs with my wife.” Confused, the man asks, “What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?” The waiter smiles and says, “The same thing I’m doing down here to his business.”
To be frank.
I’d have to legally change my name.
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight.
"I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckoo'ed three times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably be awake, I cuckoo'ed another nine times, so that he would think it was 12 cuckoos — or just midnight. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution in order to escape a possible conflict with them. The next morning, my husband asked me what time I got in and I told him, "Midnight!" He didn't seem pissed in the least. I had gotten away with it, I thought. Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he then said, "Well last night our cuckoo clock cuckoo'ed three times, then said `oh shit,' cuckoo'ed four more times, then cleared its throat, cuckoo'ed another three times, giggled, cuckoo'ed twice more and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence. I got off pretty easy…
[NSFW] What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
Glrhrglelgrglugr
While I was at the gym, I decided to hop on a treadmill.
People started giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast
Did you hear about the kid who kept getting electrocuted ?
His Dad finally grounded him
A truckload of Vick’s vaporub overturned on the highway.
Amazingly, there was no congestion for 8 hours.
