Asked my mum “How much is a couple?” “2 or 3” she replied.
…probably explains why her marriage collapsed
I once met a girl with twelve nipples.
Sounds funny. Dozen tit.
I gave away all of my dead batteries
Free of charge.
I’m a man that knows my boundaries.
5 feet by 9 feet , unless the guards let me have a walk around.
What do you call an orange with a telescope?
A satzoomer.
The actor who played Bilbo is really upset that a supermarket opened up right next to his house.
Unexpected item in the Baggins area.
A man went to confession.
"Forgive me, father", he cried. "During WWII I had someone in hiding in my attic." "Well, that is not a sin?" Said the priest "No, I know that," said the man, "but I made him pay rent." "That is not proper, but your life was at risk, so you are forgiven." "Thank you, father. But could I ask you another question?" "Of course, my son." "Do you think that I should tell him that the war is over?"
My son told me he can’t go to school because he’s constipated
I think he's full of shit
I was so embarrassed when my wife found out that I was playing with my son’s train set that I threw a bedsheet over it.
I managed to cover my tracks.
Non-alcoholic beer is a lot like going down on your sister…
it tastes the same, but it's just not right.
Saw the damnedest thing at the airport. A vulture was trying to board the plane with a dead, rotting animal hanging out of its mouth. Gate agent tried to stop him…
…and the vulture said, "I'm clearly permitted one piece of carrion luggage."
A lion will not cheat on his wife,
But a Tiger Wood!
Modern comic relying on a 1970s/early 80s commercial reference for Reese’s cups
https://ift.tt/33ypmvc
What does Batman like in his drink?
Just ice.
Donald J. Trump walks into a bar…
and lowers it
I just quit my job at the helium factory…
I won't be spoken to in that tone!
I ran out of toilet paper the other day, and have been using newspaper since…
And man, the Times are tough!!!
Thanks Coronavirus, now that I work from home I finally had time to make some memes
https://ift.tt/39UnteV
The Star Wars series is coming out with a female villain
She'll be able to use the force to raise and lower things. Her name will be Ella Vader
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide
A limbo champion walks into a bar…
he is immediately disqualified.
What do you call a comedian who can’t remember the punchline
Idk I’m the one who’s asking
“I love you loads, honey pie.” My wife said earlier.
“And I love you tons.” I replied. “What, no nickname for me?” She asked, disappointed. Sometimes I swear the fat cow’s going deaf.
I always knock on the fridge door…
You never know when there may be a salad dressing.
“We need to do something about your carpentry addiction.”
"Can't I just finish the bar I was making for my house?" "No, that would be counter-productive."
What do you call Hitler speeding?
The Fast and the Fuherous.
If you insist, we can make love… but in credit card position!!! Contactless!!!
https://ift.tt/33Km3RC
I hate how politically correct the world is these days, you can’t even say black paint
You have to say Leroy, please paint that wall