Asking relevant questions in class leads to 30 minute anecdotes about his personal life
My wife just accused me of having zero empathy.
I just don’t understand why she feels that way.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too High
She looked surprised.
Today a woman said she recognized me from her vegetarian club..
..but I'm sure I've never met herbivore.
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, “Take Your Kid to Work Day.” As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
What do you call a pig that does karate?
Pork Chop! (Overhear a little boy telling his mum, I’m sure he’ll grow up to be a great dad 😂)
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
Ans: Elephino
Two mathematicians were having dinner in a restaurant, …
… arguing about the average mathematical knowledge of the American public. One mathematician claimed that this average was woefully inadequate, the other maintained that it was surprisingly high. "I'll tell you what," said the cynic, "ask that waitress a simple math question. If she gets it right, I'll pick up dinner. If not, you do." He then excused himself to visit the men's room, and the other called the waitress over. "When my friend comes back," he told her, "I'm going to ask you a question, and I want you to respond 'one third x cubed.' There's twenty bucks in it for you." She agreed. The cynic returned from the bathroom and called the waitress over. "The food was wonderful, thank you," the mathematician started. "Incidentally, do you know what the integral of x squared is?" The waitress looked pensive; almost pained. She looked around the room, at her feet, made gurgling noises, and finally said, "Um, one third x cubed?" So the cynic paid the check. The waitress wheeled around, walked a few paces away, looked back at the two men, and muttered under her breath, "…plus a constant."
My wife is really mad at the fact I have no sense of direction…
So I packed up my stuff and right.
You can’t run through a campground
You can only ran, because it’s past tents.
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a herbalist living nearby, who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After some discussion with his wife, the man made a visit to the herbalist and handed his voucher over wondering what he was in for. The elderly herbalist handed a potion to the man, and with a grip on his shoulder warned him. "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want." Greatly encouraged, the man turned and started to walk away, then stopped and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" The herbalist replied, "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon." Eager to see if it worked the man went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?" And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition because we could end up with a dangling participle.
Three days ago, in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic, Donald Trump was visited by the ghost of George Washington.
"George," Trump asked, "how can I fix this? How do I make America great again?" "Never tell a lie." "I don't lie. Go away." Two days ago, he was visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson. "Hey, Tom, how do I fix this? How can I make America great again?" "Listen to the people." "I know what I'm doing. I listen to the best people. The best ones." Last night, while down at Mar-a-Lago, he was visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. "Hey, Abe, how do I fix this? How can I make America great again?" "Go see a play."
Teachers said I’d never be any good at poetry because I’m dyslexic.
Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.
Richard Pryor: I got famous for saying “motherfucker”. Sam Jackson: I also got famous for saying “motherfucker”.
Oedipus: You guys are all talk.
The Wood Glue I just bought doesn’t stick.
I guess I got the wouldn't glue instead.
The invention of the shovel
Was groundbreaking
I spent a summer working on a rabbit farm…
It was a hare raising experience…
To the person who stole my copy of mircosoft office
I will find you, you have my word
Knock knock. Who’s there? Olive. Olive who?
Olive the other reindeer!
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are around $1.25 and deer nuts are just under a buck.
My stupid cousin thinks he’s collected one of every board game ever made.
That idiot doesn't have a Clue.
Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?”
I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
I keep asking people what LGBT means
I can never get a straight answer
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight Professor X: that's not going to help us Me: yes I see that now
I proposed to my ex-wife.
But she said no. She believes I’m just after my money.
Someone just told me they were going to smack me with the neck of their guitar.
I said, “is that a fret?”
Every morning for the past six months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.
It’s my longest running joke of this year.
Dad, I feel fat and ugly… Give me a compliment…
Dad: You have good eyesight !
Five years ago, I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me.
She said no both times
My grandmother was famous all over town for growing delicious strawberries.
She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. She’s dead and berried.
My family is furious at me for implying my Sister in an idiot for not vaccinating her child…
I suppose the funeral wasn’t the right place to say it.
My mate has a fear of over-engineered buildings. He has a complex complex complex
He went to the psychiatrist and he discovered it was more than just a fear. He has a complex complex complex complex The Doctor sent him to a specialised centre.. It was the complex complex complex complex complex. Unfortunately, it was an over-engineered building. Yes, it was a complex complex complex complex complex complex.
Yesterday I Spotted an Albino Dalmatian.
It was the least I could do for the guy.
Dad Jokes – Try not to LAUGH
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It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child
Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki
What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion?
One electron.
What does Alexander the Great have in common with Winnie the Pooh?
Same middle name.
I was born at a very young age.
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My son told me my grammar was good.
He meant well.
