Associates vs. VPs of Engineering problems.
I said I wasn't too sure about that but I do a wicked Bohemian Rhapsody.
They were prime mates.
Getting her husband's voice juuust right
A husband died. A few years later, his wife died. As she got to heaven she saw her husband and ran up to him with tears in her eyes. "Darling, oh how I've missed you!" The husband extends his arms, stopping her from embracing him and says, "Woah there woman. The contract was until death."
Because he dodged the draft.
A garbage truck
But I decided to call her Bluff.
Then say : now you are super angry! She might laugh.. you might die.
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
He wakes up in the hospital with the nurse right next to him. The guy asks if he'll be ok, and the nurse replies with yes. The nurse asks "You'll need to pay for your stay here, which comes to about 20 grand. Do you have enough money?" The guy replies "No, unfortunately, money is tight for me." The nurse asks "well do you have any relatives that could help you pay?" The guy says "No, my only living relative is my sister. She's an un-married nun." The nurse interrupts and says "Actually, nuns are married to God." The guys goes "Ok then, send the bill to my brother-in-law."
A moosician. This joke was proudly brought to you by a six year old. He’ll be a great dad one day.
You either have to live with twice the number of dad jokes or you get stuck in an infinite loop of "go ask your mum."
I'll go on ahead.
They're pretty hungry, do they decide to head in for a bite to eat. Unfortunately, they see a sign out front that says "NO DOGS ALLOWED". The man with the doberman says "I know what to do, just follow my lead." He throws on a pair of sunglasses and walks in. The waiter tells him "I'm sorry sir, we don't allow dogs here." The man says "Oh, you don't understand. I'm blind and this is my guide dog." "A doberman for a guide dog?" The waiter asks, skeptical. "Yes." The man replies. "Dobermans are very loyal. They're easy to train and protective too. They're born for the job." The waiter sighs and leads the man to a table. The second man, excited by this idea, throws on his sunglasses and walks in. The waiter tells him "I'm sorry sir, we don't allow dogs here." The man says "Oh, you don't understand. I'm blind and this is my guide dog." "A chihuahua for a guide dog?" The waiter asks. "A chihuahua?" The man asks. "They gave me a chihuahua?!"
To beat the crowds.
"You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live," the doc tells him. The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion. He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is in shock and asks if there's anything he should do. The doctor pauses a moment and says, "Can I give you some non- medical advice?" "Sure, anything, Doc. I'm desperate! " "Are you religious? the doctor asks. "Not at all," says the patient. "Well," says the doctor, "I encourage you to join the Mormon church. Go to every service, get involved with every group and small organization you can and completely immerse yourself into that religion. I mean, EVERY aspect of it you can." The patient perks up and is feeling hopeful. "Will that extend my life?!" "No," says the doctor, "But it'll be the longest fucking 6 months you've ever had."
I went to the doctors for the first time in a long while. He told me I had a piece of lettuce hanging out of my ass
I told him it’s just the tip of the iceberg
I believe that it is time for all the world’s countries to come together and create one universal currency
I mean it's just common cents
They'll kill your dog
But hay, it’s in my jeans.
I would give it one star
Teach a redditor a joke, and they will repost it for a lifetime. It's cake and y'all know the rules!
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut up."
Now I've got two adult knees.
The dentist shit himself, though.
Which makes me an eighth theist.
Sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse. Slink down low at my desk. Pray to God nobody asked me any questions. I was the best teacher ever.
Asians invented it, Italians spread it.
since then, my mugging attempts have been much more successful.
My wife came home and said "Well, well, well…"
I was shocked
Me: Usually to avoid answering questions like these.