Associates vs. VPs of Engineering problems.
There’s a new reality show where flat-earthers are trying to find the edge of the world…
They’ll be so disappointed when the finale is not a cliffhanger…
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma.
6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby. Doc: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you! Woman: Oh god no, not my brother. He is an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doc: Denise. Woman: Well, that is not so bad. What did he call the boy? Doc: Denephew.
Wanna hear a joke about the ozone layer?
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Why was the fool left hanging?
No text found
I‘ve been trying to open the bra of my girlfriend for 20 minutes now…
I wish I had never put it on.
Why are redneck murders the hardest to solve?
All the DNA matches and there's no dental records.
Lost Wife
Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around a shopping mall when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?" The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a red halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?" The old guy says, "Doesn't matter – let's look for yours."
Why cant a penis be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot
Dude 1: “Bro can you pass me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure.”
Atheism
Is a non-prophet organization
I threw a firecracker towards a dart board.
It was bang on target.
Holocaust survivor dies
He goes before God and starts telling him holocaust jokes. God says “My son I don’t know what you’re doing, but this isn’t funny.” The man says”Oh well, I guess you had to be there.”
I couldn’t give a shit about what vegans eat. Cannibals on the other hand…
WHERE’S MY OTHER FUCKING HAND?
Anti vaxx joke
When little Timmy went to school and mastered one to nine, he thought the other kids were cool and every class Devine. He painted shapes red and blue and he drew in curves and bends. And when the day was over he made 100 friends! I’m Pals with Pete Mike and Max he told his pa with pride, but Timmy’s folks were anti-vaxx and then he fucking died.
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
No text found
I signed up for my company’s 401k but I have one concern
I’m not sure I can run that far
My dad had a stroke today and made a joke in the hostpital.
So today my dad had a stroke and while we were waiting for doctors to come back he grabbed all the cords to the ekg cords connected to him and said, "I feel like I'm behind the TV!" My dad always makes jokes in time of panic and pain. I guess that's where I get it from.
I poured root beer in a square glass.
Now I just have beer.
What did the the dog do when he lost his tail?
He went to the retail store
My girlfriend was shouting “Give it to me now! I’m so fucking wet!”
I simply told her “This umbrella is mine. Go get your own.”
A boy was upstairs playing on his computer when his grandad came in the room and sat down on the bed.
"What are you doing?", asked the grandad. "You're 18 years old and wasting your life. When I was 18 I went to Paris, I went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed on the barman and left without paying. Now that is how to have a good time." A week later, the grandfather comes to visit again. He finds the boy still in his room, but with a broken arm in plaster, 2 black eyes and missing all his front teeth. "What happened?", he asked. "Oh Grandfather!", replied the boy. "I did what you did. I went to Paris, went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed all over the barman, and he beat the crap out of me!" "Oh dear!", replied the grandad. "Who did you go with?" "Just some friends, why? Who did you go with?" "Oh!" replied the grandad. "The Third Panzer Division."
Why did the Mexican take Xanax ?
For Hispanic attacks
I’ve often heard that “icy” is the easiest word to spell
Looking at it now, I see why.
You know what happens every time I tell Dad Jokes?
He usually laughs.
What borders on stupidity?
Mexico and Canada.
Why does a chicken coup have 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors, it'd be a chicken sedan.
Doctor: “Alright, it looks like we’re ready to deliver the baby.”
Me: “Actually, we’d like him to keep his liver.”
How does Jesus make tea?
He brews it
I found a pen that writes underwater
It writes other words too
Yes
https://ift.tt/2Hh05xn
If police never did wrong, people would trust them
Nobody ever made a song called “Fuck The Fire Department” ….