Associates vs. VPs of Engineering problems.
Just got back from a job interview, where I was asked if can perform under pressure.
I said I wasn't too sure about that but I do a wicked Bohemian Rhapsody.
Did you hear about the monkeys Who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime mates.
5 y/o me when I heard that two people with both the same name are in a serious relationship…
https://ift.tt/3cR7gIM
Whats the hardest thing about having sex with a blind woman?
Getting her husband's voice juuust right
A husband died
A husband died. A few years later, his wife died. As she got to heaven she saw her husband and ran up to him with tears in her eyes. "Darling, oh how I've missed you!" The husband extends his arms, stopping her from embracing him and says, "Woah there woman. The contract was until death."
Why did Donald Trump’s hair not blow off in the wind?
Because he dodged the draft.
What has six wheels and flies?
A garbage truck
My wife didn’t think I’d give our daughter a silly name.
But I decided to call her Bluff.
Next time your wife is angry, give her a towel as cape.
Then say : now you are super angry! She might laugh.. you might die.
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
A guy gets hit by a car.
He wakes up in the hospital with the nurse right next to him. The guy asks if he'll be ok, and the nurse replies with yes. The nurse asks "You'll need to pay for your stay here, which comes to about 20 grand. Do you have enough money?" The guy replies "No, unfortunately, money is tight for me." The nurse asks "well do you have any relatives that could help you pay?" The guy says "No, my only living relative is my sister. She's an un-married nun." The nurse interrupts and says "Actually, nuns are married to God." The guys goes "Ok then, send the bill to my brother-in-law."
What do you call a cow in a band?
A moosician. This joke was proudly brought to you by a six year old. He’ll be a great dad one day.
Having gay parents must suck
You either have to live with twice the number of dad jokes or you get stuck in an infinite loop of "go ask your mum."
Two hats are hanging on a hat rack. One says to the other: you stay here
I'll go on ahead.
Two men are walking their dogs (a doberman and a chihuahua) when they see a restaurant.
They're pretty hungry, do they decide to head in for a bite to eat. Unfortunately, they see a sign out front that says "NO DOGS ALLOWED". The man with the doberman says "I know what to do, just follow my lead." He throws on a pair of sunglasses and walks in. The waiter tells him "I'm sorry sir, we don't allow dogs here." The man says "Oh, you don't understand. I'm blind and this is my guide dog." "A doberman for a guide dog?" The waiter asks, skeptical. "Yes." The man replies. "Dobermans are very loyal. They're easy to train and protective too. They're born for the job." The waiter sighs and leads the man to a table. The second man, excited by this idea, throws on his sunglasses and walks in. The waiter tells him "I'm sorry sir, we don't allow dogs here." The man says "Oh, you don't understand. I'm blind and this is my guide dog." "A chihuahua for a guide dog?" The waiter asks. "A chihuahua?" The man asks. "They gave me a chihuahua?!"
Why do HK police go to work early?
To beat the crowds.
Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news.
"You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live," the doc tells him. The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion. He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is in shock and asks if there's anything he should do. The doctor pauses a moment and says, "Can I give you some non- medical advice?" "Sure, anything, Doc. I'm desperate! " "Are you religious? the doctor asks. "Not at all," says the patient. "Well," says the doctor, "I encourage you to join the Mormon church. Go to every service, get involved with every group and small organization you can and completely immerse yourself into that religion. I mean, EVERY aspect of it you can." The patient perks up and is feeling hopeful. "Will that extend my life?!" "No," says the doctor, "But it'll be the longest fucking 6 months you've ever had."
I went to the doctors for the first time in a long while. He told me I had a piece of lettuce hanging out of my ass
I told him it’s just the tip of the iceberg
I believe that it is time for all the world’s countries to come together and create one universal currency
I mean it's just common cents
Police are like a box of chocolates
They'll kill your dog
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field.
But hay, it’s in my jeans.
If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, what is C for?
Plastic explosives.
If I had to rate the Solar System
I would give it one star
Teach a man a joke, and he will laugh for a day.
Teach a redditor a joke, and they will repost it for a lifetime. It's cake and y'all know the rules!
Teaching my 3 month baby girl C++, wanna make sure she gets OOP by the time she talks.
https://ift.tt/32pWaG8
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop…
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut up."
I was born with two kidneys,
Now I've got two adult knees.
My grandma died peacefully, 93, in the chair. Nice way to go.
The dentist shit himself, though.
What do you call an Elephant that doesn’t matter?
Irrelephant.
I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.
Which makes me an eighth theist.
I used to smoke weed and go to the class…
Sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse. Slink down low at my desk. Pray to God nobody asked me any questions. I was the best teacher ever.
COVID-19 is like Pasta
Asians invented it, Italians spread it.
I started carrying a knife on me after an attempted mugging three years ago.
since then, my mugging attempts have been much more successful.
I was bored so I dug three holes in my backyard.
My wife came home and said "Well, well, well…"
When I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof…
I was shocked
My son asked me “Dad, what are condoms used for?”
Me: Usually to avoid answering questions like these.
