Astounding
/u/username goes to get his weekly groceries.
Username checks out.
Are you a chiral carbon?
‘Cause I share a unique bond with you!
Wife: I need an anagram for “Nuclear”
Me: That's unclear.
Just read a book about the history of glue
I couldn’t put it down
The world’s leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.
He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.” “Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?” "That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones. He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?” The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track. Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds." The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track. The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage. "This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!" The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over. "What seems to be the problem, sir?" "This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!" The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly. "I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side."
How do billboards talk?
Sign language
I was diagnosed as colorblind yesterday
It came completely out of the purple
I’d like to thank my legs
For supporting me. My arms, for always being by my side. And my fingers, I could always count on them.
They should stock ATM’s better.
I went to 4 different ones and they all said insufficient funds!
I don’t get why people hate necromancers so much.
Can’t a guy just raise a family in peace?
My teenager took his driving test today and managed to get 8 out of 10.
The remaining 2 jumped out of the way.
Two blind pilots enter a plane.
They have sunglasses and white sticks. As the plane starts to move, the passengers are uncomfortable. The plane gains speed, but it stays on the ground. The remaining runway gets smaller and smaller, and the plane is rushing towards a fence. The passengers start shrieking and suddenly the plane lifts, avoiding the fence at the last second. All the passengers calm down, thinking it was a bad joke. In the pilot cabin, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says : "You know what? One day they're going to scream too late, and we're all going to die."
I wanted to tell a cashier joke.
But I didn't think it would register.
What does a house wear?
Address
I wasn’t allowed in a fraternity in college because I was circumcised.
Apparently you need to be a complete dick.
A guy walks into a library…
A guy walks into a library and asks the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?" The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet." The man replies, "Yeah that's the one."
I asked my friend nic if he had 5 cents,
But he was nicholas.
Frieeeeeeeend
Frieeeeeeeend
Humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2015 we ate over 74 million bananas and only 6 monkeys.
A man is walking through the woods…
when he come across a suitcase. Inside the suitcase he finds a fox and her cubs. He dials animal control to report his discovery. The woman on the other end exclaims, "That's horrible… are they moving? The man responds, "I don't know but that would explain the suitcase"
this ad….
https://ift.tt/2MOD46q
My friend said, “Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?” I replied, “The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus.” He laughed, “A miracle?!”
I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."
Ah yes… because boomers were the only ones that got injured from playing outside. 😌
https://ift.tt/340rTxe
I got fired from my job at a bank today
Some elderly lady asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over.
What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?
Rick O'Shea
I have written a book on Penguins
In hindsight, paper would have been better.
Do you know how to spot clickbait?
Obviously not
People who don’t eat gluten…
… are really going against the grain.
My wife is really mad that I don’t have a sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right!
It’s the Hindenburg
It’s the Hindenburg
John F Kennedy was just “John Kennedy” From May 29, 1917 To November 21, 1963
They only added the F after he died