At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.
Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he's too polite to say anything.
"When I tee off, " the singer explains, "I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim."
Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they play a round. When Tiger agrees, Stevie asks, "How about if we play for $10,000 a hole?" Tiger insists he couldn't possibly play him for money because of his sight handicap.
But Stevie argues and badgers Tiger until Tiger finally relents. Stevie says, "You pick the place and I'll pick the time?"
Tiger says, "Fine. Pebble Beach."
Stevie replies, "Midnight!"
The problem with Trump jokes:
Republicans don't think they're funny, and Democrats don't think they're jokes.
What is the definitions of a will?
You guys should know this one, it’s easy, a dead giveaway.
I cannot believe there’s no cure for obesity yet.
I thought it would be a walk in the park.
Dad cooks deer for dinner and doesn’t tell the kids…
He gives them a clue. “It’s what your mom calls me!”. The son yells, “it’s a fucking dick don’t eat it!”
Found on FB (of course)
Hmmmm…. I wonder…..
My Hungarian boss’ favorite joke
In the midst of the Cold War, the CIA sends its best spy into Russia. He has spent the last 10 years learning how to blend in with the locals. He speaks perfect Russian, he can dance the kalinka better than anyone, and he can drink an entire bottle of vodka without batting an eyelash. As soon as he's ready, a helicopter flies him by night to a remote Russian province and sets him down near a village. The spy knocks on the first door in the village, posing as a poor lost traveler. An old babushka answers the door. "Please madam," says our spy in perfect Russian, "I was lost in the forest, and I need somewhere to stay." "Well you can't stay here," says Babushka. "You are an American spy." Shocked that she guessed his secret, the spy nevertheless kept his cool. "You are mistaken, madam," he says. "I am from Russia. Otherwise, I would not know how to do this." And he dances his perfect kalinka. "You dance well," says Babushka. "But you are still an American spy." Getting nervous, the spy tries again. "You are mistaken, madam," he says. "I can prove it for certain." He pulls a bottle of vodka from his rucksack and chugs the whole thing. "You hold your vodka," says Babushka. "But you are still an American spy." "Alright," sighs the spy. "I give up. But I speak perfect Russian, danced the kalinka, and drank a whole bottle of vodka – how did you know I'm an American spy?" "You are black."
Is this real life
It’s all starting to make sense.
Programmer Translation Guide
I just found out that my friend has a secret life as a priest.
It’s his altar ego.
We did it
I give to you a joke I made up when I was seven: Why did the computer crash?
Because it had a bad driver! drops mic
I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall…
I thought “hmm, that’s a little condescending l”
I watched a documentary on mushrooms tonight.
I'll probably watch them all like that from now on.
Liveshot of Richmond, VA
He finally said something factual
My friend is a Jehova’s Witness.
He got pissed at me because he was trying to tell me a knock knock joke and I ignored him.
Sorry for the sloppy form
Yesterday I spotted an albino Dalmation.
It was the least I could have done for him.
To anyone suffering from paranoia…
You are not alone
I got a pet newt, and I named him Tiny
Because he's my newt
I asked a girl to rate me out of 10 the other day
She said "you're an 8 on a scale of 10" I still don't understand why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton
Take that salt ant
Another cow joke, proudly brought to you by a six year old:
What do you call a cow that’s fallen asleep at a construction site? A bulldozer.
Uhhhh, credit for trying I guess?
Halloween dad joke
why don't skeletons go trick or treating? Because they have nobody to go with haha
“Waiter, will my pizza be long?”
“No sir, your pizza will be round.”
The UI is super simple 😂😂
I’m to tired to write a witty caption
Rapid fire bonus round
My wife only eats one type of yogurt and refuses to try any other brand.
She discriminates against other cultures.
Things you don’t need to feel guilty about
When you die, which part of your body is the last to die?
Pupils. They dilate.
Literally bigbrain meme
A woman in labour suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
"Don't worry," said the doctor. "Those are just contractions."
Thank you stackoverflow
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”
Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy." Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special." Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.” Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!" Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman." Passenger: "How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife."
So I went to a poetry slam tonight…
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100
An absolute 10, but also imaginary.
Im so bored sitting at home that I decided to memorize six pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
Super Tuesday in one photo
Two priests were driving in a car and got pulled over.
The police officer said “Hello gentleman, we are looking for two child molesters” the two priests talk quietly to them selves for a moment the turn the the officer and one of them says “Alright Officer we will do it!”
I was just attacked by a man with a rack of spices!
It was a salt and peppery.
A little known fact…
Before the invention of the crowbar, crows had to do their drinking at home
Three construction workers are sitting down on a beam of a skyscraper to eat their lunch…
First guy says, "Tuna fish on rye again? I tell ya. If that bitch makes me tuna fish on rye again tomorrow, I'm just going to jump off this building and kill myself!" Second guy says, "Leftover meatloaf for the third day in a row! If I gotta eat this crap one more day, I'm just going to jump off this building and end it all!" Third guy says, "Bologna sandwiches again! Yuck! If I gotta eat this shit one more time, I'm just gonna jump." The next day, the first guy opens his lunch. He sees it's a tuna on rye, and he yells, "FUCK!!!" and he jumps off the building and splatters on the street below. The second guy opens his lunch box. "Goddamn meatloaf again! That's it!" And he leaps to his death as well. Splat! The third guy opens his lunch box. "FUCK!" he says. "Bologna! Goodbye, world!" And he steps off the girder too. A moment later, he splatters on the street below. At the funeral, the widows are sobbing and crying to the heavens. "Oh, Joe! If you'd only you'd told me you didn't like tuna fish! I would have made you something else!" And she breaks down, inconsolable. The second widow tears at her shirt. "Bill! Dear sweet Bill! Why didn't you tell me you hated meatloaf so much! I had a fridge full of cold cuts of all types!" And she collapses to the floor, heartbroken. Everybody looks at the third widow, sitting there knitting all by herself. She looks up and realizes they're staring. "Don't look at me," she says. "That idiot packed his own lunches."
2 Girls, 1 Cup isn’t for everyone.
But some people eat that shit up.
GOP Defending Trump
When the flutist found out she was making less money than the cellist was making…
She wondered what the bass salary is.
Me and my friend have an amputee foot fetish.
I know, it's gross, but we can only cum on prosthetic legs. Anyway, our last three-way with an amputee, we both prematurely came on her real toes! I had to politely ask the girl, "Can we start over? I feel like we got off on the wrong foot."
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Take off the ring and say goodbye to your house.
My wife says that she will have butt sex if this hits the front page by the morning.
Please don't upvote she is on a business trip until tuesday.
He should stop, right?
Two communists are sitting on a porch in a nudist colony. One says “Have you read Marx”?
The other says “Yes, i think it’s these wicker chairs”.
I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now.
Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter.
What’s your policy on code-reuse?
Sad music plays
Trying to buy an RTX 3080 be like…..
Yesterday a clown held a door open for me
I thought it was a nice jester
We need help
Here’s one my 5-year old made up: What does a cat wear at night?
PURRR-jamas! She'll be a pro dad joke designer in no time. #prouddad
My dad just got a tattoo of a Thermos on his palm…
Now whenever someone tries to shake his hand he says "Don't you dare touch my thermos tat!"
Facebook is a gold mine