at a ministop
I told her, “It doesn’t get Eddie Vedder than this.”
The horse, not able to understand human language, shits on the floor and leaves
r/dadjokes on you!
But every time I bring it up, she smoothly changes the topic.
…but his brother Frank was a monster.
Can't wait till this cruise is over.
[True story] My Grandma and Grandpa were arguing. My grandpa exclaimed, “I’m the King, and you’re nothing!” So my Grandma replied…
“Oh yeah? Then you’re the King of nothing!”
All three sit down at the bar. The bartender looks at the man and says, “What’ll ya have?” The man says, “Gimme a beer.” The ostrich says, “I’ll have one too.” The cat says, “I want two beers, but I’m only gonna pay half price.” The bartender serves up four beers, and tells the man, “that’ll be $12.67.” The man reaches in his pocket and without even looking sets exact change down on the bar. After they finish their beers, the bartender asks, “anything else?” The man says, “Gimme a shot of bourbon.” The ostrich says, “I’ll have one too.” The cat says, “I want a double bourbon, but I’m only gonna pay half price.” The bartender serves them and says, “That’s $14.03.” The man reaches into his pocket and without even looking again sets exact change on the bar. After that round, the bartender says, “What else will ya have?” The man says, “I need a Jack and Coke.” The ostrich says, “Me too!” The cat says, “I want two Jack and Cokes, and I’m only paying…” “Half price, I know,” says the bartender. He sets them up and says, “$16.38, please.” The man reaches in his pocket a third time, and again sets exact change on the bar without counting it out. The bartender asks the man, “How is it that every time you pay for your drink order, you can set exact change on the bar without looking?” The man says, “Well, some years ago I was walking on the beach in Egypt, and I found a magic lamp in the sand. I rubbed it, and a genie appeared and granted me three wishes for setting him free. So, with the first wish, I wished that no matter what I ever wanted to buy, I would always have exact change for it in my pocket.” The bartender says, “That’s brilliant! Most people would wish for a million or five million or whatever. This way, you’ll never run out of money, you don’t have to worry about carrying it, and you’ll never be robbed! Absolutely brilliant.” The man says, “I know, and thank you!” The bartender says, “So what did you ask for with your other two wishes?” The man said “A chick with long legs and a tight pussy.”
He acts like I don't exist, until he wants something.
5 beers please
“Everything is big in Texas,” says the bellhop. The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!” The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.” After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. “Second door to the right,” says the bartender. The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”
Three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder and he's so successful that he gave a friend a new home – for free." The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillac's." The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, "My son is a stock broker and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio." The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay. He is also amazing. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio."
And how did he get so many countries named after him?
I’m not sure what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
i don’t really know how to feel about that
His lawyer, a lawyer bird obviously, visited him. "How bad is it?" The crow asked. "Pretty bad." The lawyer bird replied. "They had a warrant to go through your phone." "So what?" The crow said. "I've got nothing to hide." "They found the texts to your friends." The lawyer bird said. "So now it's a crime to ask my fellow crows to hang?" The crow exclaimed. "They were all to busy anyway" "You're lucky they were." The lawyer bird replied "They've got you on attempted murder!"
Because it's a contact sport.
Nothing flashy, but it fits the bill.
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them
I’m bad at marketing.
I’m just in it for kicks.
“I’d like to buy some tomatoes.” The clerk says, “I’m sorry ma’am, but we’re all out of tomatoes, and won’t have any for a few days.” So the woman leaves. A few hours later, the same woman shows up and says, “I’d like to buy some tomatoes.” The clerk says, “I apologize miss, but we’ll be out of tomatoes for the next few days. Actually, weren’t you in earlier today also? How about you give me your number and we’ll call when our shipment comes in.” So she gives him the number and leaves again. Just before the market is getting ready to close, the same woman comes in again and says, “I’d like to buy some tomatoes” The clerk, exasperated, pulls the woman aside and asks her, “Lady, what would you get if you took the sun out of a sunflower? The woman, sort of confused thinks and then replies, “well, I guess you’d have just a flower.” He says, “Great. Now, what would you get if you took the orange out of orange juice?” The woman, proud of herself responds, “you’d have only juice.” “Okay, good job. Now, what do you get if you take the fuck out of tomatoes?” Perplexed, she finally responds, “wait a minute, there’s no fuck in tomatoes.” He yells in her face, “That’s right, there’s no fuckin’ tomatoes!!!”
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. “What’s your name?” he asked the new guy. “John,” the new guy replied. The manager scowled, “Look… I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don’t call anyone by his or her first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only … Smith, Jones, Baker .… That’s all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what’s your last name?” The new guy sighed, “Darling. My name is John Darling.” “Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . .”
For a bad altitude
😀 Because it puts a D right next to a colon.