At an interview they asked where I saw myself in five years
“Well, I think my greatest weakness is my poor listening skills.”
I said, "Take your phone off silent." That's when the fight started.
You console it.
One was as-salted
Nothing, it just waved.
I said selling fruit and vegetables is grocer
He sees a black man sitting casually at the side, and is disgusted by the sight of him. He then waves to the bartender and says, "I'd like to order a beer for everyone here except the black guy." As everyone else is treated to a beer, he looks back at the black man in hopes of getting a reaction out of him. The black man still sits casually, this time with a smile on his face. Confused and annoyed, the racist man waves again to the bartender and says, "another round for everyone except that same man." As everyone else enjoys their second beer, the racist man looks back again at the black man, who is still smiling. visibly angered, the racist man calls the bartender over a third time and orders a another round of beer for everyone except the black man. He then looks at the black man one more time, and sees him laughing. Furious, he rushes back to the bartender, points at the black man and asks, "Okay, what the hell is up with this guy?" The bartender then replies, "Oh, you didn't know? He owns this place."
One of them decides to start a conversation. “So what did you guys do to end up here? I came to the factory late and they accused me of slowing down the revolution.” The second man says: “I arrived at the factory to early and they accused me of trying to rush the revolution.” The third man says: “I arrived at the factory right on time and they accused me of having a western watch.”
Every time I walk by she says, “What an Ass.”
…Is sphere itself.
I said, "Hi, do you do deliveries?" He said, "Yes, sir. Of course." "Superb," I said, "I've got a Domino's Pizza ready to pick up."
No text found
he'll be born in may.
Because they always Ghana order Togo.
A. She is a prude and you have no future together. B. You two should spend more time together so she can get used to that level of openness. C. She should have sat somewhere else on the train?
Sometimes he laughs
I’m not sure what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
What genius decided to call it Erectile Dysfunction and not Ballzheimer's?
It takes screen shots.
And a Czech one too. And a Czech one too.
A very attractive female golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay?" "I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart. "Why don't you come up to my villa, rest for a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later.” I noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure. "That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it." "Oh, come on now", she insisted. She was so pretty and very, very persuasive. I was weak … "Well, okay," I finally agreed, "However, I'm sure my wife won't like it." After a couple of Scotch, I thanked her and said: "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. "Stay for a while, she won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still under the cart, I suppose."
A Rogue will pick the lock. A Monk will just use their Ki.
The Pencil has a point.
One of the old ladies had a stroke. The other two couldn't reach.
Mayo Neighs ..
Last night for example, I couldn't fall asleep, because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.
Because only thyme will tell.
They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all through the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so. St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" The Sister Responds "Well… there was this one time… that I kinda sorta… touched one with the tip of my pinky finger…" St. Peter says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted." and she did so. St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" "Well…. There was this one time… that I held one for a moment…" "Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so. Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun "Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!" Sister Susan responds "Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"
He said, “No. I still have two.”
…and says, “Bless me Father, for I have sinned. The priest replies, “Go ahead, my child.” “Well”, she says, “Last night I made love to me boyfriend… FIVE TIMES! And it was GLORIOUS, Father. He made me tingle all over, and I swear it was as though I was seein’ the stars in my passion. And, I think I may have wailed like a banshee. More than once. And me legs was all wibbly wobbly, even the next mornin’. But, I know that makin’ love to me boyfriend before marriage is a sin, and I’ve come seekin’ absolution. The priest sits back, rubs his forehead, and looks at the young lass and says, “Right. What I need for you to do is go down to Mr. O’Malley’s market and get four good sized lemons. Go home, cut them in half, and squeeze the juice into a nice tall glass and drink in down straight away.” The girl looks at the priest with a confused look and asks, “ Will that absolve me of me sin, Father?” “NO, but it’ll wipe the smile off yer face!”
They have two shifts.
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her. Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru? The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff….dad….I became a prostitute…." "Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family." "OK, dad– as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million." "For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club….(takes a breath)….and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and…." Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad. Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff….a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff." "Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug.
"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!" he continued. "Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!" "Actually," said the 80-year-old, "80 is the worst age of all!" "Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old. "No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all." "Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 70-year-old. "No, I crap every morning at 6:30." With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?" "I don't wake up until 7:00"
"Arrrr…it were on sail."
He'll be born in April
They looked at the reviews and we only have one star.
She said "Fuck you". So I'm pretty excited for 2019.