At first, I thought my haircut was too short.

I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schrodinger’s cat…

She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.

This feature would save so much time…

https://ift.tt/2Ty1YcN

My mother used to tell me this joke time and again when I was a child.

A mosquito got old enough to fly on his own, when he came back his mother was happily waiting for him. -"How was your first flight, my dear?" The mother asked. -"Amazing." He answered "Everyone thought I was doing great!" -"Oh yeah? What makes you think that?" -"Well, wherever I went people started clapping!"

Don’t forget the noise-cancelling headphones

https://ift.tt/2UQPyio

Bazinga meme!

π is gonna appear one way or another

https://ift.tt/2TBCoVc

What channel?

https://ift.tt/3554sEQ

“That’s weird”

https://ift.tt/3aHP7vy

ironic

There won’t be any fireworks

Why two? What was the need of it?

Someone has been a knotty boy

laughing for HOURS 😂😂

Trickle down at work

https://ift.tt/2XX2e8Q

Ho. Ly. Shit.

https://ift.tt/2RMqLu7

Please call an ambulance, his airways are restricted!!

Knight.

Good caption. Had to share

People say that I’m a plagiarist

Their words, not mine.

Why doesn’t America use the metric system?

They have a foot fetish

Souper Coolers

https://ift.tt/2KZScfB

There are two statues in a park, one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most." He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?" He asks her "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, lets! But lets change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head."

Trump suffered the greatest defeat in the history of the world.

https://ift.tt/2PQz3jT

A pirate walked into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants.

The bar tender asked, "do you know there's a steering wheel in your pants?" And the pirate said, "arrr it's driving me nuts!"

Sit down

True friend

Trump would gladly sacrifice thousands of innocent Americans for economic gain.

https://ift.tt/2xNZYGr

Comedy 100

That hat… :)

https://ift.tt/34a7Uwy

If your girl can cook Chinese. Marry her.

Very punny

I don’t trust elevators anymore.

They are always either up to something or letting you down.

Now all they can eat are rubber gloves.

https://ift.tt/3coTlZL

One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant . . .

In a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They must be saved. I will give 50,000 pounds to the fire department that brings them out intact." But the roaring flames held the fire-fighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now 100,000 pounds to the fire station who could bring out the company's secret files. But still the fire fighters could not get through. From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby rural township volunteer fire brigade, composed mainly of old men over 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to 200,000 pounds and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters. The local TV station caught the thank you on film and asked the chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?" "Well," said Paddy, the 70-year-old fire chief, "the first thing we're gonna do is fix the brakes on that bloody fire truck."

A man visits the council to apply for a job

During his job interview, the interviewer asks him "Are you allergic to anything?" to which the man replies "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee." "Ok, have you ever been in the military service before?" "Yes," he says. "I was in Iraq for one tour." The interviewer replies "That will give you 5 extra points towards employment." After this, he asks "Are you disabled in any way?" The applicant says "Yes, a bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles" After hearing this, the interviewer grimaces and then says "Okay. You have enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are 8am to 4pm. You can start tomorrow at 10am, and plan on starting at 10am every day" The man is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8am to 4pm, why don't you want me here until 10am?" "This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that"