At first, the alphabet only had 25 letters.
Nobody knew why.
My friend Ty came in first in the Beijing marathon, but was not given the gold medal.
The Chinese refuse to recognize Ty won.
A guy moves to Alaska to get away from it all…..
After 6 months of isolation, he is starting to get lonely. On Dec 26th, there is a knock of the door for the first time. He opens the door to find a large middle aged man with a big beard and plaid shirt. "I'm your neighbor from 11 miles down the road. I'm having a New Years Eve party and wondered if you'd like to come." Why sure, that sounds like fun! It's pretty lonely out here in the wilderness. "Ok, anytime after 9. Oh, and there's going to be some drinkin' going on." That's no problem, I like a drink myself. "OK, could be some fightin' too" Heh, well, I know how to take care of myself. I'll be careful. "And sure to be some sex too." Well, I've been pretty much alone for 6 months, so that sounds like just what I'm looking for! Any suggestion on what to wear to the party? "Wear? Wear what you want, it's just you and me."
RIP to his back. Looks like he got a tattoo of a bum who lives near a basketball court.
https://ift.tt/2GEHKrF
Where were the first French fries made?
…in grease
So my twin brother called me from prison
He said, "So you know how we finish each others' sentences?"
My wife hasn’t said a word to me in 6 days.
What's even better is, she thinks it's punishment.
The actor who played Bilbo is really upset that a supermarket opened up right next to his house.
Unexpected item in the Baggins area.
How do you get a guitar player to stop playing?
Put a piece of sheet music in front of him.
There are 3 types of people in the world:
1: The ones who can count 3: The ones who can’t
“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.”
“You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.” “Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”
I’m sorry if this is a repost but I found this posted seriously on an account I enjoy.
https://ift.tt/2QXZSDr
What’s similarity between playing a chess and having a dinner in Australian restaurant?
They both end with “Checkmate”.
They say you are what you eat.
Well, today I bought some ready to eat chicken, and sure enough, when I got home I was ready to eat chicken.
And the winner for best neckwear goes to…
Well, would you look at that. It’s a tie.
It’s easy to prevent women from eating tide pods…
…but it’s harder to deter gents
If a is for Apple and b is for banana….what is c for?
Plastic explosives
Apparently origami enthusiasts are bad at poker…
they're always folding. I'll see myself out. lol
What’s Irish and comes out in the spring?
Paddy O'Furniture
knock knock
who's there? The electrician to fix your doorbell
If I had a nickel for every time I didn’t know what was going on
I would be like… how did I get all these fucking nickels??
This panda is hurt!
Quick! Someone call the bamboolance.
This is a little long so get ready
So this dad likes to listen to his daughter's prayers every time she does them. One night when he is standing by her door, he overhears her say "God bless mom, God bless dad, God bless grandma, and goodbye grandpa." The dad is thinking "Ok that was pretty weird, but whatever." The next morning, he learns that the grandpa DIED. He remembers what his daughter said last night and thinks "Ok umm this could all just be a coincidence" and he thinks nothing of it. A month later and the daughter is doing the prayers again. "God bless mom, God bless dad, and goodbye grandma." Once again, the dad learns the next morning, that the grandma has died from a heart attack. Now he's a little freaked out and thinks "This definitely cannot be a coincidence now, but it still could be, so whatever." A few weeks later, he hears from his daughter's room, again, "God bless mom, and goodbye dad." Now he is totally freaking out because he thinks he's gonna die today. He spends all day being really cautious so he, you know, doesn't die. At 12:00am, he thinks "Yes! I made it! I didn't die!" Once he gets home from work, he goes over and he tells his wife, "Honey, I've had a really bad day today and-" The wife cuts in and says, "Yea me too! The mailman died on our porch!" ~this is my first post so ╮(─▽─)╭ ~
I got my friend a cake in the shape of Pac Man
At least that's what I told him when he saw it.
How to tell if your rich
When a cop pulls you over, he tells you a joke.
PETA is like a box of chocolates
They kill dogs
Have you ever tried eating a clock?
It's time consuming.
Did you hear about the new vegan parallel lines?
They never meat.