At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he thought that he’d be around for his 104th.
"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."
Did you hear that Julie Andrews will no longer be supporting cheap lipstick? It crumbles easily and makes her breath smell.
In a quote she said "The super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis".
I am addicted to brake fluid
But I can stop whenever I want.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set, so I threw the bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
Cremation isn’t free
You have to urn it
What’s the difference between a boner and a bonus?
Your wife will never refuse an opportunity to blow your bonus.
They say Kim Jong Un has read every single book
That must be why everyone calls him the 'supreme reader'.
“For God so loved the world that he sent his condom baby to whine for ‘our’ sins.”
https://ift.tt/2EQP7eT
I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
I was watching rc plane crashes the other day
They’re better than regular plane crashes, because there’s no loss of life. If you’re flying an rc plane, you never had a life to begin with.
We all know where the big apple is, but do you know where…
The Minneapolis?
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.
She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them. Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn’t know for sure they just continued to watch her. After a couple of weeks the wife asked, “Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?” He hadn’t and said so. Then she said, “Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she’s really doing.” Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. “Well, is she selling drugs?” she asked excitedly.” “No, she’s not.” he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. “Well, what is it, then?” his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said. “Her name is Sally and she’s selling batteries.” “Batteries?” cried the wife. “Yes,” he replied. “Sally sells C cells by the Seashore.”
Pizza clerk: We have a special today – buy one pizza, get the second one free
Dad: Then we'll just have the second one !
Most people know that Sin City is Vegas… But do they know what Den City is?
Mass divided by volume
I got in touch with my inner self today…
…that's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper
Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have his vengeance.
Any one can take my old batteries from me without paying
They’re free of charge
If Poly means many then…
Politics means Many Bloodsucking Insects
Why was power so tired?
Is was working overtime.
Two recruits were on the deck of a ship.
One turns to other and says "Its awfully quiet on deck tonight." Other recruit says "Everyone must be watching the band." "There is no band on this ship." "No, I definitely heard the captain say a band on ship."
A dumb kid walks into an ice cream shop…
Kid: “I’ll have a scoop of vanilla and a scoop of chocolate please.” Clerk: “Sorry kid, we're out of chocolate.” Kid: “OK. Make it a scoop of strawberry and a scoop of chocolate.” Clerk: “No, no, you don't understand, it’s chocolate we're out of,” Kid: “Ah, OK. Then gimme a scoop of raspberry, and a scoop of chocolate.” Clerk: “Listen kid, can you spell the VAN in vanilla?” Kid: “Sure! V-A-N.” Clerk: “Can you spell the STRAW in strawberry?” Kid: “Sure! S-T-R-A-W! Clerk: “Can you spell the FUCK in chocolate?” Kid: “There is no FUCK in chocolate!” Clerk: “THAT’S what I’m trying to tell you.”
I asked my mom “How much is a couple?”
"2 or 3" she replied. That probably explains why her marriage failed.
To the person who stole my glasses, I will find you.
I have contacts.
After my wide died, I couldn’t look at another woman for 18 years
But when i got out of prison, it was totally worth it
I’d tell you a joke about a roof…
But it would be over your head.
I met a man named Jim Apple the other day.
He has trouble introducing himself in France.
How do you tell the difference between a chemist and an electrician?
Ask them to pronounce "unionized"
A Joke from my little cousin
What do you call a bunch of monkeys all mixed up? An Orangatangle!
I saw a fat bird down the pub
And her T-shirt said – Watch out, I'm a maneater! I went up to her and said "Excuse me love, about your T-shirt slogan." She stopped me and angrily said "Oh let me guess, you want to know how many men I've eaten?! Well I can't help my size you know!" I said "Actually no, I wasn't going to say that at all." She looked happier and smiled as she said "Oh yes, what did you want to say then?." "That's not how you spell Manatee."
How do you make toast in the jungle?
Under the g(o)rill(a).
Fun(ny way put) Facts About DNA | Science Is Fun
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ozq9418Cs0o&feature=youtu.be
A teenager tells his father, “There’s water in my car’s carburetor.”
The father looks confused and says, “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous.” But the son insists, “I’m telling you, there’s water in the carburetor.” His father is starting to get a little nervous. “You don’t even know what a carburetor is” he says, “I’ll check it out. Where’s the car?” “In the pool.”
What snack will you always find at a KKK rally?
Salty Crackers.
“But they relate to my struggles!” screamed the temporarily embarrassed millionaire
https://ift.tt/2QFbJVP
What did the farmer do when he lost his wife?
He tractored down.
The question I have is which of these two’s photos has better meme potential?
The question I have is which of these two’s photos has better meme potential?
