At least it isn’t a cross road
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care
Years ago, my Mother-in-law began reading, “The Exorcist”. She said it was the most evil book she ever read. So evil in fact, she couldn’t finish it, took it to the ocean and threw it off the pier.
I went out, but another copy, ran it under the faucet, and left it beside her bed.
Two male deer are leaving a gay bar
One turns to the other and says, “I can’t believe I just blew 20 bucks.”
A dad walks in on his daughter having sex with her boyfriend. The girl, startled, says, “I’m sorry, Dad.”
Dad, to her: Hi Sorry, I’m Dad. Then he turns to the boyfriend and says, “Are you fucking sorry?”
A young lady, jobless and spurned by her lover, heads to the Manhattan docks to drown herself.
She has nothing, no friends, no family, she just wants to end it all. And as she's about to jump, a handsome young sailor shouts, "stop! Don't do it!!" And she says, "I've nothing in this world, I might as well end it!" And he says, "Listen, listen. It's a rotten world, sure. But never end the thing the lord gave us without changing everything first. I'm leaving tomorrow on a boat for Europe. I know one of the stevedores. I'll find you a place to stowaway, and we can start a new life over there. I'll make you happy. You'll make me happy. It doesn't have to be like this." And she agrees. That night they meet in darkness and he smuggles her aboard one of the lifeboats belowdeck. He brings her a blanket, and some food, and for three weeks they have this tryst. Each night he brings her a sandwich and they talk and make passionate love until the dawn. But. After the third week, the captain is doing a routine inspection belowdecks, and he hears a quiet rustling in one of the lifeboats And he pulls back the tarp and sees her, shaking in fear. "WHAT are you doing here, madam??" And she tells all, "I…I'm a stowaway! I have an…arrangement with one of the sailors on this ship. He's helping us get to Europe, and he lets me hide out in this lifeboat, smuggling me food." "And?" says the captain "And…well. He's screwing me." and the captain says, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry!"
A knife tried out for Varsity football
He didn't make the cut.
My wife and I just found out she’s pregnant with our first child.
To celebrate, we invited all the family and friends we could to my parents' house and then made the big announcement. Everyone was ecstatic and my father in particular was driven to tears. At a certain point during the night he pulled me aside and led me into his study, which I had never really been inside until this point. He opened a safe and produced cigars a bottle of whiskey and a large, beautifully bound book. "I could never have asked for a better son," my father said, lighting the cigars and pouring the whiskey. "I hope you think I was a good enough father to deserve you." "Of course, Dad," I said, "You were all I could've asked for and I wish my son admires me even half as much as I admire you." "Now I've shared with you nearly everything I know," he said, "But not this one thing. This is the Big Book of Dad Jokes. There are many like it but this one is special. My father gave it to me when your mother and I first found out she was pregnant with you, and I studied it and studied it, learning all the dad jokes I could and mastering book's secrets. I hope it serves you as well as it served me in being a father… No… I know it will serve you well. I love you, my son." "Dad… I don't know what to say… I'm honoured…" "Hi Honoured, I'm Dad."
What do you call a cube with many friends?
A platonic solid
What’s the difference between the worst political party and my penis?
One of them is left leaning, and the other one is right leaning.
I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it
If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
What do you call an unvaccinated toddler’s tantrum?
A mid-life crisis
We’ll, we’ll, we’ll…
if it isn't autocorrect.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives…
I replied, “No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.”
I left a bunch of barbed wire and posts out the front of my house in suggestive poses
I hope nobody takes a fence.
Can people stop making coronavirus jokes
I’m getting sick of them
A slice of apple pie is $2.00 in Jamaica, and $2.50 in the Bahamas.
These are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.
Did you hear about the actress who got stabbed?
I think her name was um.. Reese.. Reese…. “Reese Witherspoon?” No, with a knife.
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
Cause he Neverlands.
I can cut a log in half just by looking at it
It's not impossible, I saw it with my own two eyes.
Who is Stan?
And how did he get so many countries named after him?
I just drove my truck into a building!
Good thing I opened the garage door first.
Nurse: “My phone just died.”
Doctor: “Let’s call it.”
My dad always told me that I am special, that I’m the 1%.
Later in life, i learned that condoms only work 99% of the time.
A child asks his dad, what does a solar eclipse mean.
His dad replied, "no son".
Spoiler Alert!
https://imgur.com/0oRfgob
Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone in the room stopped to listen.
Man: Hello! Woman: Hi honey, its me. Are you at the club? Man: Yes. Woman: Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only $2000: is it OK if I buy it? Man: Sure, go ahead if you like that much. Woman: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one that I really liked. Man: How much? Woman: $90,000 Man: OK, but for that price I want it with all options. Woman: Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Jane and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on market. They are asking $980,000 for it. Man: Well, then go ahead and offer $900,000. They’ll probably take it. If not, we can go to the extra $80,000 if that’s what you really want. Woman: OK. See you later! I love you too much! Man: Bye, I love you too. The man hung up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. He turned and asked: Anyone knows whose phone is this?
What do you do when you are feeling rough?
Go to the dogtor!