At least it’s not another area 51 meme
The bar tender asked, "do you know there's a steering wheel in your pants?" And the pirate said, "arrr it's driving me nuts!"
While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him. So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. In all, he got more than 25 pictures of various women (some with clothes and some without). He then mailed them to his now-former girlfriend with the following note: "I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."
I was in Daniel…
But he said he couldn’t help as my garden was portrait.
They're the wurst
Because they are hill areas!
A law suit
I learned next to nothing.
"No we didn't.", replies the Chinese national. "But Taiwan just legalized same-sex marriage!" "No… Taiwan is not… uh… Yes, China is … uh…"
He's below c-level
Nature’s biggest fan
Because I stole it from my neighbor…
The police say they don't know what to make of it.
Nothing… They fast!
One says to the other," Does this taste a bit spoiled?"
A man’s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes, so he walks down to the store only to find it closed.
So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they’ve had their fun, he realizes its 3 a.m. and says, “Oh no, it’s so late, my wife’s going to kill me.” He takes his shoes outside and rubs them in the grass and mud, then proceeds home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed off. “Where the hell have you been?!?!” “Well, honey, it’s like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great-looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her.” She sees his shoes are covered with grass and says, “You lying bastard!!! You’ve been fishing again!!!” Edit: Thank you for the silver kind stranger, you like fishing huh?
But when I do, he usually laughs
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
Waitress: slaps me right across the face "The men I please are none of your damn business!"
Get your drunk ass off of the merry-go-round.
He told me, "Fine! Suit yourself!"
Joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea Mary, where DO babies come from?
Did you know that there are no canaries in the Canary Islands? And the same thing applies to the Virgin Islands;
There are no canaries there either.
He's always wanted to be a millionaire too.
You went from the ladle to the grave.
Keanu is breathtaking, the other one is breadtaking.
I’d be like, where the fuck do all these nickels keep coming from?
I taught my kid speed reading and I’m proud to say that he managed to finish “Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone” in an hour and a half.
I know it’s only six words, but it’s a start.
I asked for his autograph, but all he wrote was ‘thanks’…
That's the last time I use cheap toilet paper.
Coworker: "Yeah, of course I do." Me: "Well, how about getting laid more often."
It’s all in the delivery
You can't spell advertisements without semen between the tits.(edited)
He's my father in law