At least it’s not “technology bad”
It's a piece of cake.
Because Mario came down the wrong pipe.
As he was dying he kept insisting “be positive”but it’s hard without him.
You might think it be R, but his first love be the C.
During a party, a doctor is telling a lawyer that he is sick of his friends asking him for free medical advice. The lawyer says, "just do what I do, and leave a bill in their mailbox." The doctor decides he'll give that a try and thanks his lawyer friend. When the doctor gets home, he has a bill in his mailbox from the lawyer.
Wife calls her mother in-law and asks her “If your baby puked and pooped, who should it clean it up?” Mother in-law yells “the mother!”
Wife – "Then come clean up your drunk son!"
5 beers please
The bartender says, "I think there's a typo hare".
Facebook still thinks I have friends.
The doctor took one look at the woman and all of his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed. After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so, he asked her, 'Do you know what I am doing?' 'Yes,' she replied, 'You are checking for abrasions or Dermatological abnormalities.' 'That's right,' said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts. 'Do you know what I am doing now?' he asked. 'Yes,' she said, 'You are checking for lumps which might indicate breast cancer.' 'Correct,' replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient, and started having sexual-intercourse with her. He asked, 'Do you know what I am doing now?' 'Yes,' she said, 'You're getting herpes, which is why I came to see you in the first place.'
A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu: "Cheeseburger: $5 Fries: $3 Handjobs: $10." He walks up to the window and there is a beautiful blonde working behind the counter. "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?" he asks, handing her ten dollars. "Yes, I am," she replies seductively. "Well, wash your hands, I want two cheeseburgers."
A plasma gun
Two out of three little ones have no household.
If you have to force it, it’s probably shit.
After we broke up, she went fucking bananas.
The first person the grab a parachute is Brad Pitt and as he reachs for the door he says, "My family and my fans need me surely you will understand.", off he goes. The next person to grab one is Donald Trump: "Im the most intellegent president this nation ever saw i will do great things to this country" and he jumps out. Left in the plane is an old man and a young school boy. "Go on take the last one", the old man said, "I lifed a long and fulfilled life." Hearing that the school boy answered calmly, "Don't worry, we'll both be okay. Our most intelligent President yet just took my backpack."
He used praypal
The no-shit Sherlock!
Back in the day, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Now, everyone owns a car and the rich have horses…
My, how the stables have turned!!
Under the bed she found some serious bondage gear and other fetish material. Horrified, she asks the dad what should they do with him. Dad:"Well I'm no expert but I wouldn't fucking spank him."
"Supplies!" I'll see myself out
My son was rejected from Indiana University. Feeling persistent, he asked me if he should call one of the advisors and plead for admission.
I told him beggars can’t be Hoosiers.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!”
The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?” The robber says, “Don’t change the subject!"
I honestly can’t remember a single time I’ve ever forgotten anything.
She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is…purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.
So now we call him Dav
A whim away a whim away a whim away
I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."
A) No B) A little C) Señor
Just so whenever I have guests I can say "drinks are on the house".
Because it got mugged