At least it’s not “technology bad”
What’s Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination?
HAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNDDDD EYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
How easy is it to get reddit karma?
It's a piece of cake.
Why did Princess Peach choke?
Because Mario came down the wrong pipe.
My dad died last year when my family couldn’t remember his blood type for the blood transfusion
As he was dying he kept insisting “be positive”but it’s hard without him.
What is a pirate’s favorite letter?
You might think it be R, but his first love be the C.
A doctor and a lawyer
During a party, a doctor is telling a lawyer that he is sick of his friends asking him for free medical advice. The lawyer says, "just do what I do, and leave a bill in their mailbox." The doctor decides he'll give that a try and thanks his lawyer friend. When the doctor gets home, he has a bill in his mailbox from the lawyer.
Wife calls her mother in-law and asks her “If your baby puked and pooped, who should it clean it up?” Mother in-law yells “the mother!”
Wife – "Then come clean up your drunk son!"
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up 2 fingers and says…
5 beers please
A Priest, an Imam, and a Rabbit walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "I think there's a typo hare".
People say Facebook knows more about us than we do
Facebook still thinks I have friends.
A beautiful woman went to a gynecologist.
The doctor took one look at the woman and all of his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed. After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so, he asked her, 'Do you know what I am doing?' 'Yes,' she replied, 'You are checking for abrasions or Dermatological abnormalities.' 'That's right,' said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts. 'Do you know what I am doing now?' he asked. 'Yes,' she said, 'You are checking for lumps which might indicate breast cancer.' 'Correct,' replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient, and started having sexual-intercourse with her. He asked, 'Do you know what I am doing now?' 'Yes,' she said, 'You're getting herpes, which is why I came to see you in the first place.'
How would a stoner propose to another stoner?
Marriage-you-wanna?
Handjobs [nsfw]
A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu: "Cheeseburger: $5 Fries: $3 Handjobs: $10." He walks up to the window and there is a beautiful blonde working behind the counter. "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?" he asks, handing her ten dollars. "Yes, I am," she replies seductively. "Well, wash your hands, I want two cheeseburgers."
What do you call a super soaker that shoots blood?
A plasma gun
If you ever think times are tough, just imagine being a pig.
Two out of three little ones have no household.
Love is like a fart.
If you have to force it, it’s probably shit.
My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed.
After we broke up, she went fucking bananas.
4 people are on a crashing plane, but there are only 3 parachutes.
The first person the grab a parachute is Brad Pitt and as he reachs for the door he says, "My family and my fans need me surely you will understand.", off he goes. The next person to grab one is Donald Trump: "Im the most intellegent president this nation ever saw i will do great things to this country" and he jumps out. Left in the plane is an old man and a young school boy. "Go on take the last one", the old man said, "I lifed a long and fulfilled life." Hearing that the school boy answered calmly, "Don't worry, we'll both be okay. Our most intelligent President yet just took my backpack."
What’s blue and not very heavy?
Light blue
How did Jesus pay for our sins
He used praypal
What do you call a constipated Sherlock Holmes?
The no-shit Sherlock!
Back in the day, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Now, everyone owns a car and the rich have horses…
My, how the stables have turned!!
A mom was cleaning her twelve-year-old son’s bedroom.
Under the bed she found some serious bondage gear and other fetish material. Horrified, she asks the dad what should they do with him. Dad:"Well I'm no expert but I wouldn't fucking spank him."
What Did the Janitor Say When He Jumped Out of the Closet?
"Supplies!" I'll see myself out
My son was rejected from Indiana University. Feeling persistent, he asked me if he should call one of the advisors and plead for admission.
I told him beggars can’t be Hoosiers.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!”
The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?” The robber says, “Don’t change the subject!"
I have a perfect memory.
I honestly can’t remember a single time I’ve ever forgotten anything.
My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid.
She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is…purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.
My friend David got his id stolen
So now we call him Dav
The urge to sing the lion sleeps to night is just
A whim away a whim away a whim away
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?”
I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."
Do you speak Spanish?
A) No B) A little C) Señor
I got a bar installed into my roof.
Just so whenever I have guests I can say "drinks are on the house".
Why did the coffee go to the police
Because it got mugged
