At least it’s not “technology bad”
What has 50 pairs of eyes but only three teeth?
The front row at a Trump rally.
Too good to be true
The Man Who Stands Normal
Thanksgiving day, November 28th 1986
Jehovahs witnesses don’t celebrate halloween
I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming to their door
Be the bus driver!
Dont get mad at lazy people
They didn't do anything.
Its funny because he’s an alcoholic!
I asked my wife why she never tells me when she orgasms
She told me she doesn't want to bother me while I'm at work.
My dearest wish …
c’mon, Trump supporters.
Thank god Canada’s not the super power
or we’d all be sorry
Yup, she’s the one
Donnie, you’re out of your element.
My daughter asked for a Cinderella themed birthday party,..
So I made her and friends mop the floor and do the dishes.
Gotta be sortable
I was in a long McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.
“Take the high road,” I thought to myself. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own. The cashier must have told her what I'd done because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness. When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too. Now she has to go back to the end of the line to start all over. Don't honk your horn at old people.
Can you believe this ?
The animals on the Ark wanted to play cards but they couldn’t.
Noah was standing on the deck.
Legit Question, Anyone Care to Answer?
To the two criminals that stole my calendar:
I hope you both get six months.
My wife said, “I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for a hundred dollars and the thick ones went for two hundred dollars.” Chuckling, I asked, “How about the ones like mine?” She retorted, “Those, they gave away.”
Not to be outdone, I said, "I had a dream too. I dreamed they were auctioning off pussies. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the tight little ones went for two thousand." She quizzed, "And how much for the ones like mine?" To which I replied, "That's where they held the auction."
Modern day trolley problem
Problematic for sure.
A lot of puns
I didn't know why the baseball was getting bigger. And then it hit me. I'm know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know why. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. I didn't know where the boomerang went. And then it came to me. Did you hear about the guy who's left arm was cut off? He's all right now. I didn't like my beard. And then it grew on me. I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the blue. I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need. Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field. Nope. Unintended. Hope this made your day! If I get a lot of upvotes I'll make Part 2.
So there’s a farm. On this farm, there’s a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.
They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that." So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and he says to the guy on the phone, "Hey, listen. I wanna learn to play guitar." Guy on the phone says "no problem. Come on down." "No, there might be one problem. I'm a horse." "Naw, it ain't a problem. We'll get some attachments, I can teach you to play. Promise." So horse turns out to be a natural. He gets GOOD. And he calls over Cow and Chicken and he's like "LOOK WHAT I CAN DO" and he jams out like Jimi Hendrix. And Cow says "holy shit. That's awesome. I want to learn to do something like that too. What's like that?" And horse says "Bass. Learn to play bass." So Cow calls up Guitar Center, and she says "Hey, listen, I wanna learn to play bass guitar." Guy on the phone says "No problem, miss, come on down." "Eh, this might be a problem. I'm a cow." "Nah, no problem. I helped a horse recently, I can teach you to play too. Promise." So Cow learns to play the bass, and Cow is fucking amazing at it. So Cow and Horse are jamming, and Chicken gets a bit jealous. He says "Damn, I wanna learn something too. But not like that." Horse says "Well, I mean, we need a drummer around here." So Chicken calls up Guitar Center, and he says "Hey, listen, I wanna learn to play drums." Guy on the phone says "No problem, man. Come on down." "Eh, maybe a problem. I'm a chicken." "Naw. Ain't no thing. I taught a horse guitar and a cow bass. I can teach you drums." So chicken learns the drums, and he's fucking amazing. So Cow, Horse, and Chicken all start having jam sessions whenever the farmer's out. And one day they're playing, and a big record agent is driving down the road. And he hears them, and he's like "what the fuck? that sounds amazing." so he stops at the farm, and he finds them all playing in the barn. And he says "Holy shit. You guys sound AWESOME. I wanna represent you, make this a real band, make some music. You're gonna be HUGE." So Cow and Chicken and Horse take this guy's deal, and they move to the city, they cut albums, and they're big. REAL big. Top 10 hits, platinum albums, the works. They get set for their first tour. But there's a problem, see. Horse gets a phone call, his mom's real sick. Cow and Chicken, though, they're cool as hell. They say "Listen. Go see your mom. We'll delay the first show a couple of days, so fly back home, spend some time with her, and then jump on a plane and come meet us." Horse says "Thanks, guys. you're the best," and he takes off. Couple of days later, Horse's mom is just fine. Turned out to be a real bad cold, she gets over it, and he spends another night there. The following morning, he gets a call. It's his agent. Cow and Chicken's plane went down, they died in the crash. The band is done. he's lost his best friends. And horse, this breaks him, man. He's been through so much with them, and he feels real down in the dumps. So he takes a walk, and while he's on that walk, he just can't shake the blue, so he figures to himself "Alright, alright. One drink, just to get over it." So Horse walks into the local bar. Bartender looks at him and says "Hey. Why the long face?" EDIT: Thanks for the silver <3
My very first dad joke as an actual dad.
On the day my daughter was born Nurse: We're gonna have to give her a few shots in her heel. Me: Her heel?! She's not going to be able to walk for months!
So many people these days are too judgemental.
I can tell just by looking at them.
I was wondering why music was coming from my printer?
Apparently the paper was jamming.
reflect: rest: scale-up
Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.
It’s my longest running joke of the year.
As I got on the 51st floor, the elevator attendant said “see you later, son”. I said indignantly, “don’t call me ‘son’, you’re not my dad!”
… To which the lift attendant replied, "Maybe not, but I brought you up, didn't I?"
Google search auto complete
Yikes. Wife bad!
For the professor who flagged more than half to class.
A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason…
…details are sketchy.
Jogging While Black
If you are addicted to masturbation, talk to a priest.
He'll be happy to help you beat it.
I’m a professional programmer now!
An old wealthy jew is dying and decides to dictate his will
He bequeaths his vast fortune to his two sons. However, the sensible and hard-working Moshe only gets one tavern, while the dissolute drunkard Yasha gets everything else. The rabbi, who came to visit the dying man, tries to instruct him to the path of wisdom: "It's none of my business, of course… It's your money and your sons… But Yasha will drink away all your fortune in six months!!!" "Correct. But where would he drink it away if there is only one tavern in town?"
Why did Donald Trump take Xanax
For Hispanic attacks
I was about to tell a joke about unemployment
but it needs some work
Physics is full of problems
And chemistry is full of solutions
You can’t trust constipated people
They're full of shit.
Don’t need to say it. Didn’t want to spray it!
Do you know why dark is written with “k” and not with “c”?
Because you can't see in the dark
Yes, I am a very talented programmer.
I’m a man that knows my boundaries.
5 feet by 9 feet , unless the guards let me have a walk around.
Guilt By Association…
By legalizing cannabis and same sex marriage, we finally interpreted the Bible correctly.
" A man who lays with another man should be stoned. " (Leviticus 20: 13)
Who Did Princess Leia’s Hair? (My daughter’s joke)
Darth Braider (I know, I know. She's a kid though. Lol)
Son: “Dad, your clothes look gay.”
Dad: “I just got them out of the closet though.”
Why are there only 239 beans in a can?
If there’s one more, it would be too farty.
Don’t Be Like This Dick.
What did Yogi Bear’s sidekick call his injury?
Object scaled to actual size.
Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”
Patient: “OK.” Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.”
Why was the poor man selling yeast?
To raise some dough
My sister just asked me to help do some chores, but I refused.
I said, “I can’t be your brother and assister too.”
Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious, shove a foreign object up my ass and film the whole thing.
Or as my doctor insists on calling it, a colonoscopy
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar
The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a quarter of a beer and so on and so forth. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, "You guys should know your limits."
A man goes to the Super Bowl but his tickets are for the upper tier. He spots an open seat on the 50-yard line and grabs it.
The guy sitting next to him says, “Actually, this seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven’t been together since we got married in 1967.” “I’m sorry to hear that,” says the first man. “Couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?” “Nope,” replies the second guy. “Everyone’s at the funeral.”
I hope he doesn’t byte
What do the movies titanic and the six sense have in common
Icy dead people
The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.”
He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?” I said, “No, she’s an optician.”
Equal and opposite reaction I guess