At my school, they sold soda-
A guy walks into a bar…
notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?" "Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money…" The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?" "Pay first. Those are the rules," says the bartender. So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar. "O.K.," the bartender says. "Here's what you need to do: First, you have to drink an entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there is pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there's a 90 year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've got to make things right for her." The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then do those other things!" "Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is." As time goes on the man has a few drinks, then a few more, and he asks, "Where's zat tequila?" He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a few big slurps. Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then silence. Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body. "NOW," he says, "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"
Before my surgery my anesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle
It was an ether/oar situation
If I’m offering you my seat, you fucking take it.
I don't need this "omg i cant drive a train" shit
Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have his vengeance.
I hope Death is a woman.
That way it will never come for me.
Some motherfucker took a shit
When I got home from work I found two turds in my toilet. I know for a fact when I left there were three.
Got my first date of 2020 already lined up
I mean, its a court date but its still a date and I am getting dressed up
If you donโt know what to give your friend as a birthday present,
just give them a fridge, and watch their face light up as they open it.
The word โdiputseromneveโ may look ridiculous…
But backwards itโs even more stupid…
What does a pulse and an orgasm have in common?
I donโt care if she has one.
A dying mother talks to her son on her death bed
Mother: Before I die, I have to tell you something. You're ad- ado- Son: I'm adopted?! Mother: No, you're adorable Son: sniffs Thanks, mom Mother: That's why I chose you at the adoption center
There was a 6 fingered man that everyone kept calling Tommy. Why?
Because that's his name.
Why do they call it marijuana possession
And not joint custody
People ask me,โwhere do you get your jokes from?โ
I said โI reddit from somewhereโ
My kid damaged my iphone so I am giving it away
He is 3 years old, blue eyes, blue hair…
What do you call 100 rabbits in a line running backwards?
A receding hair line.
When does a joke become a โdadโ joke?
When the punchline is a parent.
When my dentist reminded me about my wifeโs sensitive gag reflex, we laughed and laughed about it for a while…
Then I remembered… Me and my wife have different dentistsโฆ
A man takes his seat at the NBA final. He looks over and notices there’s an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.
The man says, "Who would ever miss the NBA final?โ The guy replies, "Well that was my wifeโs seat. We have been to the last four NBA finals together, but sadly she passed away.โ The man says back, "Thatโs terrible, but couldnโt you get another close family member to come with you?โ The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."
3 gay sailors
Sailor: Captain! Captain! Captain: Yes Sailor? Sailor: I think we have 3 gay sailors on board! Captain: How would you even know that? Sailor: Well I sucked Jimmy's dick and it tasted like shit.
I just burnt my Hawaiian pizza
I guess I should have put it on aloha temperature
I poured root beer in a square glass.
Now I just have beer.
When you die which body part dies the last?
Your pupils, they dilate.
Why canโt you hear Pterodactyls go to the bathroom?
Because their P is silent
I used to think I understood the Dunning-Kruger effect…
but the more I look into it, the less sure I am.
If I had a nickel for every time I didnโt know what was going on
I would be like… how did I get all these fucking nickels??
Ole Blue
A young cowboy from Montana goes off to college. Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all his money …. he calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in University that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!" "That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue in that program?" "Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says "and I'll get him in the course." So, his father sends the dog and $1,000. About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. "So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his father asks. "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this — they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!" "Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?" "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives. But the young lad has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!" "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does". "Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?" The father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that lying dog before he talks to your Mother!" "I sure did, Dad!" "That's my boy!"
What do you call a stupid fish?
A dumBass
Sometimes I like to tuck my knees to my chest, and lean forward.
Thatโs just how I roll.
I once had a hen who could count her own eggs.
She was a mathemachicken.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Shop Worker: No, I think its aluminium Me: So there's no nickel in this cage? PSW: Don't do it Me: It's a nickeless cage PSW: LEAVE!
What do Mike and Sulley fill their pens with?
Monsters Ink
Sherlock Holmes and John Watson go on a camping trip
Sherlock Holmes and John Watson go on a camping trip. In the middle of the night, Sherlock wakes up John and says, "Watson, what do you see when you look up at the sky?" Watson looks up and says, "I see millions of stars." Sherlock says, "Well, what can you deduce from that?" After a moment's thought, Watson says, "Since there are so many stars,logically some of them must have planets orbiting them. And if some of those stars have planets, logically some must be able to support life. And if some could support life, logically some must. Therefore, I deduce that we are not alone in the universe. What do you think?" Sherlock says, "No, Watson, you idiot, it means somebody stole our tent."
My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code.
Last night for example, I couldn't fall asleep, because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.
Can February March?
Can February March? No, but April May.
They say criminals always return to the scene of the crime.
No wonder there are so many Australians in the UK.