At the airport waiting to embarrass Jimmy
The janitor lady just asked me to smoke some weed with her. I turned her down.
I don't like high maintenance women.
What’s the fastest way for Harry Potter to get down the mountain?
Running, jk rowling
My wife told me that if I bought her one more idiotic gift, she’ll just burn it.
So I bought her a candle.
I named my dog “Wifi”…
Because I stole it from my neighbor…
“Hi my name is David and i lost my ID…
… I guess you can call me Dav now."
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
My chickens got really upset when their home was destroyed.
But they'll recoup.
My daughter asked for a Cinderella themed birthday party,..
So I made her and friends mop the floor and do the dishes.
What’s Santa’s race?
North Polish
Only Anti-Vaxxers will get this
Measels
A blonde woman gets on a plane to Detroit and heads for a seat in first class, despite having an economy ticket…
A short while into the flight an air hostess notices she's in the wrong section of the plane and asks her to return to her allocated seat. The blond simply replied "no". Shocked and confused, the hostess insisted once more that she move, but the blond refused again. The hostess leaves to go get help from other attendants. Multiple women try their luck at explaining to the blond that she's in the wrong seat, but none prevail. Eventually, they seek the help of the Captain. "She's blonde, you say?" queried the Captain. The hostess' nod. "Shouldn't be an issue, my wife is blonde" The Captain gets up and approaches the woman – the hostess' watching from a distance. After a few seconds the blond quickly gathers her things and heads back to her seat. The Captain returns to the hostess'. Amazed, they ask how he did it. "It's simple, really" he said, "I just told her first class wasn't flying to Detroit" My mate told me this one when we were in 4th grade, I randomly just remembered it so I thought I'd share. It's not laugh-out-loud funny, but I think it warrants a short exhale out the nose <3
I get aroused when I erase pencil drawings
In fact, I think I'm gonna rub one out
What do you call two bananas on the floor?
A pair of slippers.
“This is your captain speaking”
"AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING."
A crow was caught recently breaking quarantine laws.
They charged him with attempted murder.
What’s a web developer’s favourite tea?
URL Grey.
How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a little boogie in it…
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
The Mechanical engineer says: – "It's a broken starter". The Electrical engineer says: – "Dead battery". The Chemical engineer says: – "Impurities in the Gasoline" The IT engineer says: – "Hey guys, i have an idea how about we all get out of the car and get back in".
So it turns out dogs can’t operate MRI scanners
Luckily for me, catscan
Studies show cows produce more Milk when the Farmer talks to them.
It’s a case of in one ear and out the udder
Today I actually saw a dwarf prisoner climbing down a wall
I thought to myself, “now that’s a little condescending”
The IRS decided to audit my Grandpa…
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.” “I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?” The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “OK. Go ahead.” Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.” The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.” Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops. Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.” The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. “Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.” The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. “Are you OK?” the auditor asks. “Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”