At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “Can you tell me what happened before The Big Bang?”
The professor replied, “Sorry. No Time.”
It’s okay if your phone autocorrects ‘fuck’ to ‘duck’
You’re still using fowl language.
My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion
He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
A man wanted to have sex with a nun
A man wanted to have sex with a nun he saw every day at the bus station. One day, when they got on the bus, he asked her to have sex with him, but she refused. The bus driver heard their conversation and after she got off the bis, he told the man " Every night, she goes to the cemetery to visit Father Martin's grave, who died a few years ago. If you want to have sex with her, go to the cemetery dressed in black with your face covered and say: Maria, it's me, Martin. I have come to have sex with you before i go to heaven." The man did just as he was told. When he goes to the cemetery, he sees the nun staying in front of a grave with her face covered. The man approached her and said he was Father Martin and wanted to have sex with her. She said: "Fine, but do it in the ass so i can stay a virgin." After the man had sex with her, he uncovered his face and said: "Ha! It was me the whole time!", but then the one he thought was the nun turned around and said: "Ha! It is me, the bus driver!"
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,
“You know, one would have been enough.”
Someone broke into my house and stole my limbo stick…
How low can you go?
Facebook is set to release its own webmail client…
…emails will be flagged as "Mark has read"
A farmer in a field had 198 sheep
But when he rounded them up he had 200
How does Harry Potter usually get down a hill?
By walking. JK. Rolling.
My wife: Honey, do you think our kids are spoiled?
Me: No, I think most of them smell that way.
6 was afraid of 7 because 7 8 9. But why did 7 eat 9?
It heard you were supposed to have three squared meals a day.
A couple is trying to have a kid
they haven't been able to have a child for over a year so they go see a doctor. He has them do all the tests, sperm, blood and so on. After a week they get a call from the doctor's office, the results are in. So they go. The doctor comes in and sits down. He looks at the lab results, looks at them. Looks back at the lab results and then back at them again. And then he says: "Gentlemen, you cannot be serious."
What did I say when greeting the fashion designer?
"Nice Jimmy Choo."
Three Irishmen walk out of a bar.
Yep. It can happen.
My girlfriend is a pornstar.
Should I let her know?
What do you get if you pour hot water down a rabbit hole?
Hot, cross bunnies.
It is very rare for a defibrillator to fail.
When it happens, though, nobody is shocked.
When I noticed “HI” in the alphabet, I thought someone was actually going to be my friend…
Then I saw the next two letters…
How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas?
He felt his presents.
As an Asian man, I have always wanted to know how it felt to be black. Today I finally accomplished that goal.
I sneezed and watched every one walk to the other side of the street.
Thank god this guy is going to have sex with a billionaire actress half his age.
https://ift.tt/2yRNP3u
What do you call the wife of a hippie?
Mississippi
A dad is lying on his deathbed with his son standing over him
Son: I’m really gonna miss you, Dad. The dad, with his dying breath, utters, “Hi Really Gonna Miss You, I’m Dad.” A single tear rolls down the son’s cheek
A guy and his friend are sitting on a sofa having a few beers. Guy #1 – “What would you do if we found out an asteroid was going to hit the earth in one hour?”
Guy #2 – “I would fuck the first thing that moved. What would you do?” Guy #1 – “I’d sit very fucking still for the next hour!”
My girlfriend has the weirdest way to start a conversation with me..
„Were you even listening to me?!“
My Dad told me he always struggled with three subjects in school;
Maths, and he couldn’t remember the other one.
My staircase was getting a lot of buzz, then it blew up
It’s gone spiral
Why shouldn’t you kiss someone on January 1st?
It’s only the first date.
I got a reversible jacket for Christmas,
can't wait to see how it turns out.
My wife is furious at me for throwing a snowball at my son.
On top of it, I’m also banned from the maternity ward.
I started carrying a knife after a mugging attempt a few months ago.
After that my mugging attempts have been very successful
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, “So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?” The Lone Ranger responds, “I’d like to speak to my horse.” The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver’s ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful,naked blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger’s Tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he’s impressed. “You have very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?” The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse’s ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief’s surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a naked brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger’s tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. “You are indeed a man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow. “What is your last request?” The Lone Ranger responds,” I’d like to speak to my horse….ALONE.” The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger’s tent. Once they’re alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says: “Listen very carefully, you fcuking dickhead, for the last time………. . BRING POSSE!!!!”
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.