At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “Can you tell me what happened before The Big Bang?”
The professor replied, “Sorry. No Time.”
I got chased by a mugger the other day trying to steal my wallet. Halfway through the terrifying ordeal, I couldn’t help but think to myself…
“He’s giving me a good run for my money.”
my wife asked me why i type everything in lower case.
i said i stopped giving a shift.
I used to be in a band called “The Hinges”
We opened for The Doors
What do you call a deaf gynecologist?
A lip reader.
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates…
The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."
The girlfriend and I just drove by a shoe in the road
GF: A shoe! Me: Bless you Was pretty proud of myself for a couple minutes.
A kiss might make her day.
But anal will make her hole weak.
What’s the difference between a sniper with bad vision, and a constipated owl?
One shoots but can't hit. The other hoots but can't shit
Why did Star Wars 4, 5, and 6 come before 1, 2 and 3?
Because in charge of the schedule Yoda was.
Bro, can you pass me that leaflet?
Brochure.
Engineer in Hell
An engineer dies and goes to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"
Carrots may be good for your eyes…
But whiskey will double your vision.
The biggest, toughest American soldier in the platoon in Eastern Europe limps in, badly injured.
His Captain yells, "Good Lord Corporal! What happened to you?" "Well Captain", he says, wiping blood from his face, "I was out on watch, and I looked across the road. And I saw this Russian soldier, real big bastard. And I looked at him, and he looked at me. So I started walking towards him, and he starting walking towards me. And we met in the middle of the road." "And I said to him 'Putin is an evil, murdering, election cheating tyrant!" "And he said to me, 'Trump is retarded, lying, spoiled rotten little baby!" "While we were standing there shaking hands, we got hit by a truck."
Cardi B and Bill Cosby walk into a bar…
I don’t remember the rest.
Took my mother-in-law out last night.
Loving my new sniper rifle.
A truck loaded with Vicks Vapour Rub crashed on the freeway today.
There was no congestion for 8 hours.
I always take an extra pair of socks when I go golfing
In case I get a hole in one
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs into two priests
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He goes over to the first priest and says: “Hey, I’m Jesus Christ!” The priest says: “No son, you’re not.” So the drunk goes over to the second priest and says: “Man, I’m Jesus Christ!” Then the priest says: “No son, you’re not.” Finally, the drunk gets fed up and says: “Here, I’ll prove it.” He walks back into the bar with both priests and the bartender looks up and sees the drunk and says: “Jesus Christ, you’re back again?!”
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That’s how I roll
My Wife is freaking out about this coronavirus. She made me promise I’d put the mask on before I left for work this morning……
Now I’m two hours late and I don’t even like Jim Carey
“Dad, how do you cast spells?”
"You just follow the instructions." "Which instructions?" "Yeah, they're the ones."
What’s the difference between COVID-19 and Romeo & Juliet?
One’s a Coronavirus and the other is a Verona crisis
Last night, I was lying in bed gazing up at the stars thinking
Where the fuck is my roof?
The hardest part about babysitting-
-is dealing with all the… spills!!!
Where do I store all of my dad jokes?
In my dad•a•base
Maybe if we all emailed the Constitution to each other…
…the NSA will finally read it.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer
I don’t know what he laced them with but I was trippin’ all day