At the parole hearing, the officer asked, “Tell me, why should you be released early?”
Inmate: It’s bec…
Officer: Yes?
Inmate: I think I have…
Officer: Go on.
Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence?!
Officer: Sure. Parole denied!
When does a bad joke become a dad joke
When you replace the b with a d
Knock knock, who’s there?
Smelmop Smelmop Who?
Me 2 weeks into 2024 (Tomorrow is March 1st)
Me 2 weeks into 2024 (Tomorrow is March 1st)
Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today.
Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today. Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today. Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today. Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today.
I was mugged by 6 dwarves last night
Not Happy
Whats the opposite of minimum?
maxidad
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they are so good at it.
I hate negative numbers.
I will stop at nothing to avoid them
A linguistics professor says during a lecture….
“In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.” But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”
I bought a wooden car today.
Wooden engine, wooden doors, wooden wheels, wooden seats, put the wooden key in the wooden ignition. Wooden start.
Me at age 10: “I wish I was a dog. They’re always happy, get to run around all day, and everyone loves them!”
Me at age 24: "I wish I was a dog. I'd have died by now."
Dad, I know how to stay awake for 8 days!
It's easy, I just sleep during the nights. *(disclaimer — this dadjoke was delivered deadpan by my daughter. She is truly becoming a master)
I went to the therapist after my phone died.
I just needed an outlet.
#871: Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He’d have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community…
If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave. The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate. On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other. The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The Rabbi pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy! Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue!" Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won. "I don't have a clue!!!" the Rabbi said. "First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here." "And then what?" asked a woman. "Who knows!!" said the Rabbi. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!"
It’s okay if your phone autocorrects “fuck” to “duck.”
You're still using fowl language.
Juggling seems fun
But I just don’t have the balls to do it
How do you get Trump to change a light bulb?
Tell him Obama put it in…
Have you heard about a the constipation movie?
It hasn’t come out yet!
I didn’t know why the baseball was getting bigger.
And then it hit me!
What’s blue and not very heavy?
Light blue
Saw this on a frozen pizza. Both funny and sad that they have to put a warning on it.
https://ift.tt/2PUdfDS
Why is “the mall” called “the mall?”
Because you don't just shop at one store, you shop at THEM-ALL
Who decided to call them “murder hornets”
and not “buzzkills”?
Do you want to know why I love this floor?
It's always been so supportive.
Her: I’m pregnant.
Me: Are you kidding?? Her: Technically, Yes.
Why can’t you breed a eel with and eagle?
It’s Eeleagle
Today I actually saw a dwarf prisoner climb down a wall.
I thought to myself, now thats a little condescending.
So the Pope is having a conversation with Aliens from Mars.
Pope: "Do you know Jesus?" Alien: "Oh, Jesus. Great guy. He comes to our planet twice every year." Pope: "Every year?! It's about two millenniums and we're still waiting for his second coming." Alien: "Maybe he didn't like your chocolate." Pope: "Chocolate?" Alien: "Every time he visits, we gather the best chocolate from each manufacturing plant and give them to him before he leaves. Why, what did you do the first time he came here?"
I feel like something is off but I just can’t put my head to it
I feel like something is off but I just can’t put my head to it
The Minotaur is really stubborn….
You can say he's bull-headed.
A man walks into a bar…
The bartender asks "Why the long face?" The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death." The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself." The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?" The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy." The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar. A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face. "Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously. "Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please."