At the Renaissance fair they accept all sorts of punny payments
Do you know what’s the difference between toilet paper and the shower curtain?
No? SO IT WAS YOU!!!
Did you hear about the antenna that got married?
The ceremony wasnt much but the reception was amazing!
Dad what is Mozart doing now?
He is de-composing.
The mirror told the echo…
The mirror: you should see yourself right now The echo: meh, I've heard it all before.
What do you call 5 black guys having sex in 1789?
A threesome.
I was beaten up by a busty women in an elevator.
I was staring at her boobs when she said “would you please press one?” So I did.
My friends star sign was cancer and it was quite ironic how he died really
He was attacked by a giant crab
I Can swear, I’ve seen someone who did the last one, and complained it didn’t work!😂
https://ift.tt/2NaXfvM
Why are tight pants like a cheap hotel?
No ballroom
Why do you never see hippos hiding in trees?
Because they're good at it
I heard my son’s first words today
"Dad where have you been?"
What has 12 Legs, 12 hands and 12 Eyes?
12 Pirates
I was warned not to steal kitchen utensils
But it's a whisk I am willing to take.
What did a cannibal get for being late for dinner?
a cold shoulder
A girl reached into my pants today and said
I know there is a joke here but I can't find it.
So, Schrodinger walks into a vet with his cat.
The nurse takes the cat, goes into the room, and comes out 10 minutes later. "Sir, we have good news and bad news."
My penis was in guinness book of world records…
..but then the librarian told me to remove it
A guy, a pig, and a dog are the only survivors of a terrible shipwreck, and they find themselves stranded on a desert island.
After being there for awhile, they get into a ritual of going to the beach every night to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle — in short, a perfect night for romance! Well, that pig started looking better and better, and pretty soon the guy rolled towards the pig and put his arm around it. The dog was not very happy with this, and growled fiercely at the guy until he moved his arm away. The three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there were no more efforts at cuddling. A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to good health.When she was completely well, they introduced her to their nightly beach ritual. Then came another gloriously beautiful evening — red sunset; delicate cirrus clouds; gentle, warm breeze — again, perfect for romance. The guy started getting "those ideas" again, so he leaned over to the girl, and said, "Um… would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
A husband and wife were having dinner…
…at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and asks, "Who the hell was that?" The husband answers "Oh, she's my mistress." The wife angrily says, "Well, that's the last straw, I've had enough, and I want a divorce." He replies, "I can understand that but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Rolls Royce’s and Ferrari's in the garage, and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm and the wife asks, "Who's that woman with Jim?" The husband tells her, "That's his mistress." The wife says, "Well, ours is prettier."…
Two antennae got married
The ceremony was alright but the reception was EXCELLENT!
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high
She looked surprised
I once swallowed a book of synonyms.
It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.
My friend in Alabama lost his Mom, his Sister, and his Wife in a car accident.
He really loved that woman.
I asked my wife to dress as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun
I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked, "Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed, "Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"
A farmer friend of mine
used his stimulus check to buy baby chickens. He got his money for nothing and his chicks for free.
I said to my Jamaican date…”Leafy…Stalky…Branchy…”
"What?" she asked, confused. I said, "You asked me to describe myself in tree words."
Two gay men are travelling…
…on a plane. Let's call them Steve and Bill. "Dude, what if we had sex?" asks Steve. "You crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it…" "Man, nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!" Steve stands up and asks loudly: "Could I have a pencil, please?" Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc. "They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Bill. So Steve and Bill have wild sex on the plane. Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth. "Sir, you should've asked for a bag!" "I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a pencil and he got fucked in the ass…"
My wife laughed when I said I had the body of a 20 year old
Then she looked in the freezer
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair,
until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting. He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it’s completely gone now. My hair can’t be saved. But look outside at the forest. It’s such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they’ll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair.” “What I want you to do,” the man continued, “is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family’s duty to keep this forest strong.” So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer
I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
I was appalled when the waiter told me it’s ‘nacho cheese’
I said i paid for it, it IS my cheese.
I’m an unapologetic Canadian
I'm sorry, I just am
If you pull a pin from a grenade, how do you put it back in?
Quick answers please.
I have an Irish friend with a great personality that always bounces off the walls.
His name is Rick O’Shea.
How do you sneak up on celery?
You stalk it.
My girlfriend gave me a handjob using Vaseline the other day.
I came three times in the shower trying to wash it off.
People don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks
We really need to raise the bar.
When I was a teen, my dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.
All the slides were just pictures of me.