(At the vet) “Doctor, my two pet birds seemed to be stuck together. What is going on?”
Vet: I have no idea. It’s toucan fusing.
I was going to share a joke about sodium on here…
…But then I thought, "Na, they've probably heard it before."
A man enters a cafetaria and is welcomed by a pretty girl behind the counter. While browsing through the menu, he notices that its last item reads: ‘handjob – $15’.
The girl asks: 'Can I help? 'Yes,' says the man, 'the handjob, are you the one giving them?' The lady winks and says: 'I sure am, handsome!' The man: 'Could you then wash your hands, I'd like to order a hamburger.'
I wrote a novel about a man who grows younger every time he masturbates.
It's a coming of age story.
Did you know there are no canaries on the Canary Islands? Same as with the Virgin Islands…
No canaries there either.
I recently became addicted to viagra..
My wife has been taking it really, really hard.
My friend changed his name from William to Lawrence
That’s how a Bill becomes a Law.
A man came home to discover that someone had stolen all his lamps.
He was delighted.
Why does listening to FM radio hurt?
Because Mega Hertz
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon Fresh.
I’ll let you know.
What does a house wear to a party?
Address.
Welcome to invisibility class
Disappointing to see so many of you here
I saw two guys walking around in same outfit with their dog, so I ask them if they were gay.
Those faggots arrested me.
A woman reported one of her coworkers for sexual harassment because he said he liked the way her hair smelled. The HR rep said that it wasn’t sexual harassment.
The woman replied, "But it was the midget".
I lent a girl my umbrella yesterday
now the amount of girls I made wet this year is -1. 🙁
Who called it breast transplants and not Boobles?
No text found
I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday.
It was a risk I was willing to take.
I saw a radio the other day on sale for $1. It had a note stuck on it saying, “Volume stuck on full”
I though, “I can’t turn that down”
Since it’s Fathers Day, my wife asked if I could tell dad jokes all day tomorrow.
I told her I don’t know anyone named Morrow.
I don’t like thin pancakes..
They just crepe me out.
I’m unhappy because my neighbor’s sheep aren’t clipped properly.
I can't stand that kind of shear incompetence.
What does Pac-Man eat with his chips?
Guacawakamole.
I found an origami porn channel.
But it's paper view only.
My job is to drill holes in things and then bolt them together…
At first it’s boring, but later on, it’s riveting…
I’m really pleased that our band has just signed a Jamaican triangle player.
Now every little ting is gonna be all right!
The lesbian couple across the street allowed me to see them have sex for my birthday.
It's a beautiful and very thoughtful experience, but I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
I hate it when my wife says “Are you listening to me?!”
Such a random way to start a conversation.
I love taking my blind daughter out for a drive.
Every time I hit a speed bump, I tell her it was a dog.
What genre are national anthems?
Country.